The Evening Chill

I could complain about the shutdown that is causing my whole system to feel cold, empty, and is extremely painful... but I want to be grateful instead.

It sucks to be in an autistic shutdown and it hurts even more to try to force myself to keep moving - yet, I have 2 little ones who needed supper and supper was what they got! :-)

Most people can relate to feeling like nothing you can do will get you warm... you know, that feeling that often accompanies a fever... but to have that sensation in your bones while your skin feels itchy and burning simultaneously... is a particularly horrible feeling. I am happy though - I can feel and I know that this isn't going to last forever.

I know what I need to do to help the shutdown last less time. I know that I should've listened to my body's warning signals before my brain started removing my access to what it apparently views as "extra systems" ... but I didn't because I have 2 little people depending on me for advocacy, needs, etc.

The first thing I did was inform myself that if I don't feel better in the morning, that I am canceling the social events that, while are important, are also very draining for me to attend.

The second thing I did was get food into my tummy while the kids were eating. I pushed myself the last couple of days and barely had enough to eat.

The third thing I did was allow myself to start writing. This isn't neat. This is messy... a rough draft... but I will just let it be what it is.

The fourth thing that I will be doing is... taking a hot shower or bath and just allowing myself to relax.

The fifth thing is to crawl into a bed with a heavy blanket and allow my body to finish the "reboot" process.

I am grateful for a body and mind as strong as mine are...

• the shutdown didn't come on Sunday when plans changed on such short notice and I didn't know if I was even going to have any help with a major project -- and help was provided!

• the shutdown didn't come on Monday when plans majorly shifted leaving me unsure of how the rest of the week was going to turn out as I prioritized my family's needs over mine -- and it worked out!

• the shutdown didn't come on Tuesday despite it being a very long day with extra travel, several unexpected changes, a lot of physical pain, and a lot of socialization -- and I had fun!

• the shutdown didn't come on Wednesday despite having the extra stress of back-to-back-to-back appointments and transitions while dealing with big emotions from little people as had been expected -- and my little ones were given a beautiful, wonderful gift of new beds!

• the shutdown didn't come on Thursday even though nothing went as planned and a truck almost hit me -- and I was able to hold steady during a massive joint storm (of sorts)!

• the shutdown didn't come on Friday until after the day's appointments were completed and groceries had been picked up -- and I was able to give myself grace!

These are all reasons for me to be thankful for God carrying me through... life's storms...

I just have to remember that I am not invincible - and that stopping isn't a weakness!

I remember 6 months ago, I was struggling with shutdowns or meltdowns of my own every few days.

It is amazing to me how much more that I am doing now than I had been doing 6 months ago - with fewer struggles - by simply being in a safe place!

Each day... I am improving a little bit.

Each day... I am blessed by another reminder to pray for my little family to have a peaceful life and praise that He is granting my prayers.

Tonight I had a shutdown... but He will use it for good!

What is going wrong right in your life this week?

Disclaimer:
This article reflects my personal experiences and perspectives and is not intended to provide medical, psychological, or mental health advice. I am not a licensed mental health professional. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance regarding your own circumstances.

To protect privacy, certain identifying details may be changed, combined, or omitted. This writing is about my own experiences and personal growth and is not intended to diagnose, characterize, communicate with, or make claims about any particular person. My experiences and life are my own and exist independently of any other individual.