It is very quite on my street at the moment, and it has been like that for a while now. Normally I am at the beach, out in town or meeting people and helping them with mental health problems. However, like many in this Covid-19 pandemic, I am staying at home, helping to save lives. My world is upside down and my mind is pretty chaotic. Going to the supermarket is stressful because there are markers and social distancing rules. Going outside is suddenly scary again.
2020 has got to be the weirdest year I've gone through. Most days this week (starting: 30th March) I've been thinking about how unbelievable this all is. It just doesn't seem possible that something like this is happening all around the world. Its starting to feel more and more like a bad dream, something this worldwide just can't be possible.
At times like this, it's easy to slip away. Self isolation can be hard, it's okay. When you're depressed, you self isolate on your own, in your own way. Even in a crowded room you can feel alone, but at least there's some distraction.
During my fight with depression, I had days where I felt that life has pretty much stopped completely. I may go a couple of weeks without showering. without eating. My apartment becomes a flipping disaster and the list goes on. Sometimes I can not manage to motivate myself to walk and fill my bottle of water to hydrate myself.
Every morning, she just opened her eyes and realized that a new day began, she was afraid. It’s a new day again … Go to work again, so as soon as you realize that a new day has come, you want to extend the night, lie in bed, shelter your head with a blanket and that this new day does not begin. No, she wants to work, she likes to do flowers, collect bouquets and gifts, invent new inscriptions for cozy blankets and multicolored mugs. Several times she was affected by the sickness.
Its day 6 of lock-down and I’m still in a state of shock, it’s hard to imagine that it was only a few weeks ago we was all getting on with our lives, I was just coming back from a course in wales, walking to the local pub to meet my daughters and planning with them our 4 day holiday in April, now everything is on hold, life has simply stopped.
When I was 19 years' old, I was told I had gone partially blind.
This is a very personal piece and please read it but don't take anything I say for granted without checking and choose your own precautions.
I consider myself to be a pretty strong, independent, and resilient woman. I like to accomplish things on my own and find it difficult to ask others for help. Asking someone for help was viewed as a weakness to me for most of my life. It was quite normal for me to say "I'm fine" regardless of the chaos that was occuring in my mind. It took me a long time to realize that pretending to be ok all time was making me sick. It would manifest itself into some very physical ailments due to my constant anxiety that people were going to find out that I wasn't fine at all. For many years I experienced chronic stomach pain, IBS, nausea, rashes, and eczema. I was always tired and wanted to sleep all the time. I was clinically depressed, but I truly believed that I just needed to "suck it up" and take care of my obligations. I felt a great deal of anxiety and shame because I couldn't seem to snap out of it and stop being such a downer. When you are in the midst of a depressive episode, telling yourself to "get over it" is pretty counterproductive as it just seems to pick away at your feelings of self-worth.
When reports about COVID-19 began to circulate in the United States, I wasn't alarmed whatsoever. There was no valid reason for me to panic. But as weeks passed, I began to worry as a result of the pandemic status. Also, the disease having made its way into the states after having been carried by individuals who were affected.
You know, it's funny. I remember way back when I was pushing sixteen and in this stupidly exaggerated bubble of false optimism. Like a hippie would think, I truly believed the world was kind-spirited and generous beyond belief. I didn't believe in lies, unfaithful partners or corrupt politicians. I thought we were all equal; beautiful and entwined. And, honestly, that's all I ever wanted to believe as I progressed through this manic life. But you know how things are; one big dramatic event can change the way you think or act. And, it's that one certain moment I speak of that managed to make me drop the flower and pick up a deep, perplexing anger that would eventually destroy me. It's that moment that made me question myself and speak only one eye-opening line.