Living with a mood disorder has been the hardest "obstacle" in my life; I say obstacle because that is exactly what it is. My disorder blocks my way and prevents me from making progress within. Throughout my teenage years I always had a gut-wrenching feeling that something was wrong with me, I didn't believe my thoughts were normal and it scared me; my mindset was in shambles and I had no idea how to cope.

2019 was supposed to be the best year yet. At least that’s what I told myself when it started. So far, I have experienced more loss in my life than any year I’ve lived before. I lost my aunt to brain cancer a week after being diagnosed. I lost both my oldest and youngest dogs—13 years old, and two and a half years old—a week apart from each other.

October 14, 2019 marked five years from when I slipped into psychosis, lost majority of my memory, and had to go back to one of the facilities I spent my teenage years in. So, for today’s blogging challenge I thought I’d share my experience along with some helpful advice to others who may have experienced this frightening event. As well help others find ways to help a loved one if they ever find themselves in this type of situation.

Hello everyone. After long contemplation and a lot of self-analysis I have finally decided to present, in full detail, my personal experience of living on the brink of insanity. Before we get into the How's and the Why's, I want to talk about what the brink of insanity is.

For months now it has felt like my thoughts have been going around and around in circles. Day after day, doing the same thing, going no where. I hit my crash point a few weeks back. Miserable, depressed, sitting around feeling sorry for myself, sulking, I felt like I was grieving something without really knowing what. I reached the point of breaking, I walked out on my partner, left the run down, falling apart house, left the car just about to run out of rego and needed serious repair to keep it on the road, I left all of it and just started walking. I walked an entire day and found a motel to stay in.

The modern world is full of messages. From work emails to text messages, digital communication is everywhere. Because of this, you could be forgiven for thinking the art of letter writing had been forgotten. But you’d be wrong.

I sincerely feel like I am never going to be one way, one kind of person. I am always spiraling downward, before forcing myself back up, taking a few steps, and then finding myself on my knees again. I look at people that are always walking forward, never sitting down, never falling, and I just feel purely envious of their absolute and unbreakable strength.

Today was the first day in over a week I got up and actually got stuck in on some housework. I'd overslept. Again. Not so much tired, as unwilling to face the world just yet. A feeling compounded by my little pickle having snuck in during night, her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and tiny face muzzled in my chest made the prospect of getting up that much less appealing. Add to that fact, I knew exactly what was waiting for me when I threw off that duvet. Pots and pans left to "soak" for a week, laundry piles so high it was questionable if I even have clean pants in the drawer, and a general swirl of clutter, both as a result of, and a reminder that I have been feeling less than great lately. I haven't been feeling on top of the world for a few months in fact, but this last week or so has seen a clear and undeniable decline in my wellness. It always starts the same; a general feeling of tiredness or fatigue. That in itself leads to a development in procrastination. As the to do list grows, so does my sense of avoidance. The avoidance allows the piles of washing up and laundry to grow, only driving my feelings of failure and hopelessness to a more resolute position in my mind. The feeling of hopelessness whirling around in my head, draining me of my energy, creates more of the same fatigue that brought me here.

Having anxiety or depression is hard, but living with both represents a constant battle. It is as if you are in a constant battle with yourself; your brain is trying to process so many things you feel it is on fire and is about to explode due to this increase of messages, memories, thoughts, etc. That's ok because there is hope in tomorrow. If no one has advised you before, then I will; you can live an enjoyable life with depression and anxiety. You can wake up with unspeakable comfort, sincerely appreciating that from this precise moment forth I have control.

Coping skills are, in my opinion, the key to beating mental illness. The best way to learn coping skills is by talking to a qualified therapist who knows your condition. I have not always been an advocate for therapy, but after spending time with a few good ones, I now realize their importance in recovery and maybe, a significant reduction of your symptoms.

Pretty much everyone will experience at least one traumatic event in their lives. But sadly, most of us will experience at least three or more. And these events can leave us with feelings of fear, sadness, anger, and confusion. These emotions can last a long time, and if they aren’t processed properly, they can interfere with our daily lives. 

Suicide. Just the sound of the word is enough to make people feel awkward. Nobody wants to talk about that! Nobody wants to talk about someone ending their own life. And that’s part of the problem. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are really common, but if you try to bring it up with anyone, sometimes even the people closest to you, they shut down.