Life presents variables; learning how to cope in order to master, minimize, or tolerate what has come to pass.
Monarch Butterfly Effect
She landed on the windowsill gently, as if clockwork each year. I pulled on my strewn about clothes and rested my head on the windowsill. She never moved until I took my eyes off her, always reminding me of a day I had not seen.
A Lifetime of Judgment ~ Convicted Without a Trial
I am strapped with the unusual ability to attract judgment. The reason I find this unusual is because I easily attract the direct and opposite energy from who I am and how I live.
For years I worked through both Masonry and the Shrine giving to improve our collective world freely, from my heart. My challenges are all born from out of that particular perspective.
Stitching Stories of Me
When the gray skies roll in and my soul feels torn and incomplete, I go for a run. As I climb up the hills and see the side of the slopes there is a feeling of breaking through a web of negative thoughts and feelings. The ascent reminds me of flying out of my dark past and into the light.
Melting away my past
Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary friends, I’d like to introduce myself to you, as a woman who deals with devastating nightmares and alluring dreams. I long for a version of myself that is embarrassingly happy, fighting for those I love and forcing conversation where it intentionally disregards me. I’m so incredibly embarrassed of my past and the life I existed in, which merely used up space. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of the bad parts, I won’t even tell you what happened near the end, though I’m sure you can guess.
Gymnastics is an Abusive Sport
My parents enrolled me in a gymnastics class at the age of five. An earnest desire on their part to support my growth and development quickly became the backdrop to my most traumatic experiences as a child.
A cut, a slash and a carve
What do you see when you look at the blank sheet of paper? An origami to be made? A beautiful painting yet to manifest? Maybe you see the words of a thrilling adventure novel fall in lines, eager to be written. Me- I see a story. Stories have accompanied me through childhood into present day. I visualized them, drew them, wrote them and one day I started carving them into paper. I don't remember my "AHA" moment, the realization that the knife was needed or how I should do it. I remember that I was anxious, a swarm of thoughts and ideas buzzing restlessly in my mind, looking for a way out. I bought the tool - a small handle with interchangeable blade heads, each one perfect for a specific mission, I bought a stack of thick paper in array of colors. And as soon as my blade touched the paper- my thoughts have found their relief.
I stared out over the shimmering waters of the pond as I had thousands of times as a child. Watching the ripples from a recent fish jump slowly march across the unimpressive girth of the water. It was a small pond, outside a small town in the middle of nowhere. Absolutely nothing has changed in the twenty years since I last sat in this spot. Nothing but me. I had exchanged my small posture for a few a few additional feet of height and a hundred pounds of mostly muscle. My smooth face has been covered with a well trimmed beard. And my eyes, previously filled with joy and wonder, were now vacant.
Anxiety of a Perfectionist
The trick in life is learning how to deal with it.--Helen Mirren Life is full of uncertainties. Dealing with the unknown future is what categorizes what it means to live as a human being. Bad times are intermixed with good times and sometimes conquering those adversities make one stronger. However, sometimes enough is enough. Do you remember having those days that no matter what you do or how hard you work nothing goes your way? Or you do everything right but still everything turns 180 on you? I am sure majority of us had those days--hopefully not too often. Now let us take that and consider people who have the tendency to continuously beat themselves up. For someone who is a perfectionist, insomnia and anxiety could be his constant companion when everything goes awry. Consider though, how productive is that? You worry about what the future might bring as a result of the past. You lose sleep due to that thought, then you perform even worse because you lost sleep. Seems self-defeating, doesn't it? Well, it is. What can you do to take your mind off the loop of self-reprimand or worrying?
The last few years of my life have been rocky. I could unpack grief, past trauma, family issues, mental health issues (survivor of PTSD, diagnosed with OCD and GAD), or even general work stress, but that's not why I'm here.
The California Room
We call it "The California Room" because I've had nothing but bad experiences in the State of Florida - but that's another story. Also, I'm from California, so naturally, I'm biased.
Social Isolation and FOMO
Monday, 25th May 2021. Here I was sitting and bawling my eyes off on a fine Monday evening. Why? Well, so many things were running through my head, and I typed out some of the things I learnt /realized in the past 1.5 years as reassurance. It did take me a bit to come to terms with all of this, but when I reminded myself of the bigger picture of life, I knew that all I was going through at that point in time was child's play.