The Dark

Following todays tragic death of British celebrity Caroline Flack I want to update a piece I wrote elsewhere. In my other piece I talked about celebrity suicides where there was no obvious reason behind it, think Kurt Kobain or Chester Bennington. both massively successful people with millions of fans, a lot of money and a seemingly perfect life. Think more recently of Keith Flint of Prodigy, in the middle of a successful tour and again with millions of fans. In each case there was a reason they took their decision, theories for all but only 3 people know why.

Even towards the end she was mocked.

My son is Autistic. He is mentally challenged. The first time I had to tell someone this was when he was five years old. And I cried. I cried because in 1995 no one knew what Autism was really.

I moved to San Francisco State in August 2004, and I was a transfer student at that. My roommates struck me in the immediate present as gaslighting bullies. One was messing around with her perception of race, and didn't bother to correct me as I see now she was looking for an excuse to criticize an innocent person. They did turn out to be very abusive. But at first, I tried to be the one to help them get along although the roommate I met first was the sort of person who liked messing around with people, and like I said, I imagined I had wronged her by not guessing her race right. I'm sorry, hun, I didn't know any better, and remember I was in my mid-twenties so therefore, learning new things?

An Open Letter to Lady Gaga -

“No one is going to hold your hand if it looks like that,” I remember the first time that you told me that. Eight years old, I had chewed my nail and picked the cuticle so badly I was bleeding. “I just need a bandaid,” half embarrassed, with zero understanding of how anxiety can manifest itself.

Who is Patrick Bateman?

The physical health of Europeans is improving, yet the same cannot be said for mental health. Whereas public health has been a priority, it is mostly focused on physical health and disease prevention, with mental health being secondary. Nonetheless, suicide accounts for 1.4 percent of deaths worldwide and is the second most prominent cause of death amongst young people. The act of suicide should not be considered an individual issue, but rather one that affects that person’s family, their surroundings and society in general.

I was fairly late to the anxiety party, I can't say it was one I particularly wanted to be invited to after hanging around the depression get-togethers for too long.

There was something wrong with me.

When the topic of addiction comes up, we often think about the damage done to an individual's personal relationships, finances, and mental health. Beyond all of these consequences, however, there are also the physical problems caused by repeated drug use. One of the most impacted areas caused by substance abuse is the mouth, especially since this is the entry point for many substances. If you are currently addicted to a substance and are concerned about your health, let's take a closer look at exactly how drugs impact dental health and what you can do to overcome your addiction.

Before my mouth wrapped itself around the pipe that had the crystal methamphetamine (ice) in it, I was already hiding alcohol in my cupboard, taking pills, MDMA and smoking weed every day. From memory, I was sober maybe once or twice a week. I was 15. They say drinking and small drugs like weed are gateways to others and they aren’t wrong. It is a domino effect.

In the interest of full disclosure, there are links to Amazon books. Opening will benefit the author financially.

„Our unconsciuos mind tends to repeat situations in which trauma appeared in the past, in order to give us continuous opportunities to resolve it. Stirring up pain leads to healing.

Problems and solutions, two seperate islands that seem to be out of touch and opposites from eachother. We all want to be able to embark on our journey of finding that island of solutions to many aspects in life. That utopia where the poeple we care about thrive and the dreams we have are finally accomplished. A place where we can feel joy and freedom with ourselves, not having to worry or carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. An answer to what to do next, and to ultimatley be okay with the result as Florence + The Machine puts it in her song, "The Dog Days are Over." Celebrating a release of what used to keep us confined and trapped to truly embrace happiness.

Anxiety is a burden and it can come out of nowhere. I suffer from anxiety and sometimes it can feel like your whole world is just crashing down and there is nothing you can do. Anxiety is scary but whenever I feel any type of anxiety coming on, I turn to these affirmations to get me through it. From my experience, the best way to calm down an anxiety attack is to ground yourself and affirmations are a great way to do that. Affirmations have a calming effect & can help you change any negative beliefs you may be having. They can also serve as a distraction. I pick 3 or more & continuously repeat them to myself until I start to calm down.

This article doesn’t offer a scientific explanation of what anxiety is, nor does it go over the common physical symptoms, simply because the majority of people know that information already. What they may not know, is everything that goes through the mind of someone with anxiety on a daily basis and thus, this is meant to describe exactly what an anxious person is thinking in everyday situations, and the consequences of those thoughts. It’s important to know what is going on inside their mind to be able to better understand their emotions and actions. To the millions out there with these same experiences, you’re not alone!

Thinking back, I really did have a wonderful childhood. My family was loving and supportive. I lived in a beautiful small town nestled in nature. I had a few close friendships throughout my school years. Despite all of these things, I struggled as a child and adolescent, even through my twenties.

This journey starts long before I was diagnosed. As a teenager, I had always felt off. Not bad or crazy - just off. I felt like I was on the outskirts of society. Friends did not come easy to me. I didn't seem to be able to communicate well. It was like my mind and my mouth just wouldn't line up. I had so many emotions all the time. Anxiety, depression, paranoia. I couldn't seem to distinguish them. All my emotions would hit me at once. I just didn't know how to handle them. This sensation continued throughout high school and past graduation. Even though I had trouble with friends, I enjoyed a very close relationship with my family. I am the oldest of four children and have two wonderful parents. So when I graduated, I decided to attend college close to my home. I thought that life would be different at college. I was sure I would "find myself". Things were different but just not how I had thought. I had a wonderful roommate and it seemed my luck with friends was changing. So I felt that I could do anything because I now had friends. Now what I found out was my roommate had connections....connections to parties. So I started drinking. At first it was just for fun. Then I realized that drinking numbed my thoughts and emotions. I didn't have to fight my feelings when I was drinking. So it became a lifestyle. I would start the day with beer and end it with shots. I didn't realize I was becoming an alcoholic. Then drinking led to other things. Smoking, drugs and eventually petty theft. (I am not saying that all drinking is bad, nor am I saying that drinking always leads to more. This is just what happened to me in the mental state I was in.) I thought this was great. I was enjoying myself and not fighting my emotions. The thing was, deep inside, I knew something was wrong. I started distancing myself from my family. I wasn't attending any of my classes. So started the spiral. I didn't like what I was doing but I couldn't stop. If I stopped drinking and getting high, then I would have to fight all the thoughts and emotions flying through my head. So I kept going with this lifestyle but started to not enjoy it. I started hating myself and everything I did. I....just....couldn't.....stop. Then came the night it all fell apart. I was laying in bed, in the dark, crying. Nothing was right. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to go. My parents could have helped but I had completely alienated them. So I thought I found the answer. A dull razor blade. I laid there trying to cut myself with an old razor blade. Then my roommate came in. She saw what I was doing and ran to find someone to help. When she left, I ran. I went out a back door of the dorm and ran. Unfortunately it was raining and I was in my pajamas. I heard police sirens coming and decided I needed to hide. I thought if I just hid for a while, everyone would forget about me and leave. I obviously was not thinking straight. I had also lost the blade in my rush to leave. I found a small back porch on one of the dorms. It was wooden slats with a small staircase. It didn't keep the rain off of me completely but at least it was somewhere to hide. I spent most of that night under those stairs in the mud. I couldn't even end my life successfully. As it was nearing dawn, things seemed to quiet down. I took a look around and couldn't see any people or police cars. So I made my way back to my dorm. As I entered the lobby it was very quiet. I thought I was safe now. I could go back to my dorm and act like nothing happened. Then off to my right I saw movement. It was my roommate and a police officer. There was nowhere to go. I was too tired to run again and just didn't have any fight left in me. They took me to the hospital to be evaluated. Once it was determined I was okay, I thought this was the end of it and I could go back. Like I said my mind was out of control at this point. They gave me two options. They would either admit my to the psychiatric hospital, or I could call my parents and go home with them. This was a very difficult decision. Obviously I did not want to go into a hospital but I had distanced myself from my family. In the end, I always knew I could go home. So I called my Dad. I just told him I was okay but needed to be picked up at the hospital. So he came. I couldn't say anything, I just showed him my wrist. He cried and hugged me. It was obvious that he didn't know what to say or do. He drove me home and the ride was very quiet. He must have been embarrassed somewhat because he didn't tell my Mom what happened. I went to bed and He told my Mom I was sick. Later that week my parents went back to the dorm and got all my things. I spent a week in bed. I just slept. This is the beginning of my journey but it is not the end. This was the first time I tried to end my life but it would not be the last.......

When I was a child, I was extremely happy and energetic. My mom and grandmother will tell you that I bounced all over the place. I loved to read, I loved to play, and I loved watching and helping my grandmother in the kitchen. I had my ups and downs, but who doesn’t? Nothing ever seemed out of the ordinary. In middle school, though, things seemed to change a little bit. I went to a different school than my friends, and these new kids were not as nice or as kind to me. The way I had made friends in the past didn’t seem to work as well as it had before. It threw me for a loop, but I kept working and getting good grades.

The Dark

I moved to San Francisco State in August 2004, and I was a transfer student at that. My roommates struck me in the immediate present as gaslighting bullies. One was messing around with her perception of race, and didn't bother to correct me as I see now she was looking for an excuse to criticize an innocent person. They did turn out to be very abusive. But at first, I tried to be the one to help them get along although the roommate I met first was the sort of person who liked messing around with people, and like I said, I imagined I had wronged her by not guessing her race right. I'm sorry, hun, I didn't know any better, and remember I was in my mid-twenties so therefore, learning new things?

Days go by, boring, monotonous, chill and uneventful. These days go by and I take them for granted. I tend to forget for a few blissful moments that I am free from what really lurks in my mind. I don't focus on the fact that there are tons of ways that I could screw up my life at any moment with just a few words.

Four days....it’s been four days Isiah tells me, since I’ve been fully present, coming up for air through the foamy churn. After a self-induced break from psychotropics he had surreptitiously reintroduced my medication slowly, gently, by coming in at regular intervals and handing me tablets and water before leaving me to sleep away the grubbiness and dead feeling inside me. I arch hesitantly, flexing the sinews, creating space between muscle and bone. Looking for points of pain like running a tongue around a gritty cavity. Usually I can maintain some degree of functionality. Get up, go to work, come home, chuck some washing on, feed the dog, drink more coffee, wine, whatever, smoke, crash. Rinse and repeat. All conducted through a heavy, aching fog. A cotton wool, asbestos fibered glaze.

Let me start off by telling you why I am writing this: when I tell people I am depressed or I’m having trouble with my mental health, they think I’m ‘lazy’ and they tell me to ‘get over it’ I want to try and get people who do not suffer from mental health to understand what it’s like, so maybe when people like me do need to talk to someone they’re not scared to because they don’t want to be judged. So, this will be kind of like my own life story but I’m not going to leave out the bad parts; in fact, those are going to be the parts I want you to pay most attention to.

Nutrition is one of the most overlooked aspects of mental health. There are many people who don’t realize or acknowledge the huge role that food plays in physical, emotional, and mental health. If you are struggling with depression, it may feel overwhelming to even think about eating the right foods. However, making a few small changes in your diet can help to reduce symptoms of depression and have a positive impact on your day to day life.

Context note: There will be discussion of death, suicidality, body image, derealization, and other health concerns related to PMDD. Please read with caution.

I have CPTSD, which means I flashback to trauma on a regular basis but wind up using my very basic EMDR knowledge to ease the pain. I have learned however, not to repeat the trauma by dumping people who do not help me. As I write and as you read, I'm working on listening to Youtube videos about CPTSD. CPTSD gives you many a panic attack/flashback at the same time. Your perceptions are pretty much distorted because you have a high stress existence. I do show good judgment often enough with my way of doing things, including my need to take my medication daily. I had to get around my family's "you can't see a psychiatrist" rule in my 20s. Then at 28, I was like, wait a minute, I have control over my medical care, they hate it, and so off I went to see a psychiatrist.

Bulimia and binge-eating disorders can be potentially life-threatening or life-limiting for anyone caught in the grips of the disease. People who binge-eat lose control of what and how much they eat and the intervals they leave between meals. This can lead to purging by excessive exercise, use of laxatives and diuretics and forced vomiting. [1]

Okay the other day was the first time I have made anything with gluten free sliced bread. (Recipe on my profile) Bread has always been a favorite of mine and I was scared to try gluten free bread in worry some that it would send me into a binge eating cycle or make me fall back from my diet causing me to eat regular white gluten filled bread. And let’s be real, it’s pretty hard to go from red lobster biscuits, to gluten free. I am happy to say I only ate 1 piece of toast though! Lets talk about that because this is definitely huge for me and hasn’t been that easy if I’m honest.

Most of us have seen that movie. You know, the one where the girl goes to live at a psychiatric hospital, she doesn't really pay attention to anything around her, she makes friends with some different kinds of people, and just tries to survive. That movie is called Girl Interrupted, and it shows only a small portion of what living with the mental disorder Borderline Personality is like. Movies often poke fun of or romanticize mental illnesses, but that just leads to the audience not really and truly understanding it.

“We Are Inherently Abusive.”

As a Leonardo da Vinci enthusiast, artist and ferocious reader, I have collected books and read countless biographies on him, visited museums with his collections, studied his works online, and emulated many of his artworks in various media. And after all this time, I cannot shake off the feeling that this extraordinary Renaissance man, who was prolific in so many fields might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

“You look sick”

Please allow me to be open and honest. I am an African American male in my 40s, and I suffer from a mental health illness. I have depression, anxiety, and at one point in my life, I tried to commit suicide.

Have you ever wondered if you had a Mental Health Disorder?

My friends and family maybe want to know why I kept fucking up time and time again this past year. And why, now that it’s over I can’t go back to being my old self. You see, my old self has been changed. I’m never going to be the same. My old self is gone.

A few posts back I wrote about not being able to remember myself before having had cancer. About how my old bedroom was a mausoleum to who I was pre-illness, and sometimes I just wish I could live one day without the weight of cancer survivorship pressing somewhere on my soul.

Readers discretion.... There can be some triggering stuff in here. Sexual assault..

Why Cyclothymia is relevant to me?

What a word, suicide. There are so many of us people who think about this time and again. I know that it has crossed my mind a few times during my life so far. I think that most just talk about it to get attention from people. The thing about it is to me it is an easy way out. I have had three friends do it and getting over it is something that is hard. The many questions like could I have done something to stop it and when it happens we feel guilty. If you have never had to deal with it you can’t imagine what it is like.

Today was day one back from holidays and it was a busy start. With 8 clients scheduled in and a phone that rang or received frequent texts for new appointment requests. I have been a Psychologist for nearly 20 years now and everyday my practice gets busier. Humans are struggling and the demand is growing.