In October 2019, I spent two weeks on a psychiatric ward.

In my last post, I spoke about my struggles with depression and how I am on the lighter end of the spectrum as of now. Do you know what it takes to make sure you remain on that end? You can do this by protecting your energies. Actively choose and decide who you will give your energy too and do it diligently because before you know it, you will feel drained and your inner peace will be destroyed.
I recently began dating this young man after going on a five year hiatus of not dating and focusing on my career and school. When I met this guy I literally dove head first into this relationship. I said to myself this was it, this is what I want. I showed him my complete and utter devotion and loyalty I had for the relationship and that I didn't take it for granted. Whenever he needed me I was there hand and feet. Boy did he need, but I kept telling myself that if I hold on and show him that I'm in this and I'm not like other women and show him that he can rely on me that he will fill In the gap that he has failed to put his efforts into.
Being the vocal individual that I am, I told him how I was feeling and he would give me the I'm sorry and whatever excuse he could fester up. He knew just what to say to keep me holding on... They always do... With anyone rather it's a friend, family member or in my case, a significant other you have to know when to let that person go.
I found myself randomly crying and in the most horrible mood. I mean the emotions I was feeling gave depression a run for it's money. This feeling was and still is a mix of rage and sadness with a sprinkle of self worthlessness. I keep wondering what am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough for him? I have no proof of transgressions but I have proof of the lack of respect for me he and what he has for the relationship and I realized that l, that alone was enough.
Last week I decided to take a mental health weekend from everyone and it wasn't hard being that a hurricane was coming so it was easy to just disappear in the anticlimactic chaos. During that time alone I was going through so many highs and lows back to back fighting with what was good and what was bad and what I could put up with and what I shouldn't. It got to a point when I was like why am I doing this to myself. By Sunday my eyes were swollen and blood shot, I was emotionally exhausted and decided that this person is really disrupting my peace. No one who claims to love you should have that power or if they do decide to even do so. If anything they should be protecting you and I felt like I was left out to rot and rust. I realize that it wasn't that I was mad at him but that he was breaking my heart, the feelings I was going through was a actual heart break. The last time I ever felt this way was five years ago where I allowed someone to disrupt my peace and that's when I began to experience depression. That's when I didn't allow myself to love or be loved and became selfish and only cared about myself. I don't want to be that person again. I don't want to miss out on any blessings that could come in the form of my potential life partner, my soulmate, my husband. I couldn't allow him to ruin me to the point that I didn't want to give my energy away again.
There is nothing wrong with giving your energies away as long as it is for the right people but when it comes to a point that your peace is being defecated on, you have to let go. Just let go.


To understand how someone becomes who they are, one must be able to observe the way they develop their social interactions. Looking back on my own social development creates a realization that without the social interactions and my own reactions I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Humans are social beings, that is why the individuals that make up their social groups, whether it is their parents, siblings, teachers, or school mates, helps create who they become and why they become that. I remember when everything was new and I also remember when I began testing the limitations with my parents and teachers to determine what I could get away with and what I can realistically do. As a toddler I only took the amount of cookies given to me by my mom but as I reached the age of six or so, I began getting my own cookies as a snack after school. Though I knew I was only allowed three, I began taking four or five because I realized I could sneak the extras when my parents weren’t home or not paying attention. I did this until I was caught and I received a punishment. This set a limitation in my mind that I can only take cookies I’m allowed to or else suffer the consequences.

Having a family member who is addicted to anything can be incredibly difficult. You have to sit back and watch someone you love make decisions that you don’t think are the best for them. And the whole time you feel completely helpless.

Our world is characterized by competition and pressure to perform. Knowledge has become the most crucial resource in modern societies. Increasing pressure to perform and the ever more rapid change in what one can and must know lead many people to a feeling of permanent overload.

Savage warmongers or animal-loving pacifists? Uncivilized beasts or trainable inferiors? Early settlers of North America perhaps debated these questions amongst themselves when encountering the indigenous peoples of The New World. Regardless of the discussions that took place, one thing is certain: the decimation of Native American (NA) populations is a black mark forever ingrained in United States history.

Dear (Suburban) Black Girl,

On February 15th a 40 year old woman took her own life. I may not have known her, but she was one of the 7 billion+ humans I share this planet I call home with. She had a life to live, family and friends who loved her, and so much left to add to the shared experience we are all living through. But n0w she's gone. And though I didn't know her, I can't help but feel pangs of genuine anger and sadness.

An Open Letter to Lady Gaga -

“No one is going to hold your hand if it looks like that,” I remember the first time that you told me that. Eight years old, I had chewed my nail and picked the cuticle so badly I was bleeding. “I just need a bandaid,” half embarrassed, with zero understanding of how anxiety can manifest itself.

Who is Patrick Bateman?

I release you to your addiction, and I willingly replace my love with silence.

After Addiction Road to Happiness

If you’ve been affected by suicide, then there are people you can get in touch with. You can contact an organisation such as Cruse Bereavement Care or Survivors Of Bereavement By Suicide (SOBS)

It’s sad to say that we’re all going to get hurt in life. We have very different ways of dealing with that hurt. Weather it’s physical, mental, or emotional hurt. What we don’t realize is that we hurt ourselves more by keeping all that hurt locked up inside. So I’m going to tell you a story about Delilah.

I first experienced mental health issues when I was a teenager. It's hard to tell exactly when it started because it gradually happened. It wasn't an overnight change. But I think teens have dark and destructive thoughts much earlier than their parents like to think. I first harmed myself at 13 and I felt in the moment that it had been a long time coming.

In my last post, I spoke about my struggles with depression and how I am on the lighter end of the spectrum as of now. Do you know what it takes to make sure you remain on that end? You can do this by protecting your energies. Actively choose and decide who you will give your energy too and do it diligently because before you know it, you will feel drained and your inner peace will be destroyed.
I recently began dating this young man after going on a five year hiatus of not dating and focusing on my career and school. When I met this guy I literally dove head first into this relationship. I said to myself this was it, this is what I want. I showed him my complete and utter devotion and loyalty I had for the relationship and that I didn't take it for granted. Whenever he needed me I was there hand and feet. Boy did he need, but I kept telling myself that if I hold on and show him that I'm in this and I'm not like other women and show him that he can rely on me that he will fill In the gap that he has failed to put his efforts into.
Being the vocal individual that I am, I told him how I was feeling and he would give me the I'm sorry and whatever excuse he could fester up. He knew just what to say to keep me holding on... They always do... With anyone rather it's a friend, family member or in my case, a significant other you have to know when to let that person go.
I found myself randomly crying and in the most horrible mood. I mean the emotions I was feeling gave depression a run for it's money. This feeling was and still is a mix of rage and sadness with a sprinkle of self worthlessness. I keep wondering what am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough for him? I have no proof of transgressions but I have proof of the lack of respect for me he and what he has for the relationship and I realized that l, that alone was enough.
Last week I decided to take a mental health weekend from everyone and it wasn't hard being that a hurricane was coming so it was easy to just disappear in the anticlimactic chaos. During that time alone I was going through so many highs and lows back to back fighting with what was good and what was bad and what I could put up with and what I shouldn't. It got to a point when I was like why am I doing this to myself. By Sunday my eyes were swollen and blood shot, I was emotionally exhausted and decided that this person is really disrupting my peace. No one who claims to love you should have that power or if they do decide to even do so. If anything they should be protecting you and I felt like I was left out to rot and rust. I realize that it wasn't that I was mad at him but that he was breaking my heart, the feelings I was going through was a actual heart break. The last time I ever felt this way was five years ago where I allowed someone to disrupt my peace and that's when I began to experience depression. That's when I didn't allow myself to love or be loved and became selfish and only cared about myself. I don't want to be that person again. I don't want to miss out on any blessings that could come in the form of my potential life partner, my soulmate, my husband. I couldn't allow him to ruin me to the point that I didn't want to give my energy away again.
There is nothing wrong with giving your energies away as long as it is for the right people but when it comes to a point that your peace is being defecated on, you have to let go. Just let go.


Assume that every moment people everywhere are talking about you. The whispers and stares that people give are meant for you. This is how people with social anxiety disorder, or social phobia, feel whenever they are vulnerable and exposed to others. It is a terrible ordeal for those who suffer from this because it interrupts and restrains them for functioning properly in their daily lives. This raises a question of how something like this comes about. What are some possible causes of this and how can one overcome this? There are many apparent studies done that used social and physiological factors as possible causes of social phobia.

If you suffer with anxiety, then you’ll know how even the smallest things can set it off. So something like a global pandemic is bound to bring about a massive spike in your anxiety levels. The world is changing and change is scary.

I wake up in the morning and find myself shining with a ray of hope for the day. I am ready to take on the world. No army can assuage me. I make some eggs since that seems to be all I can afford to eat for breakfast right now. Then my typical morning starts. I have a cigarette where my pains burn away in the cherry. I taste the sweet coating and burn of a Camel Crush Menthol and try to say, "Fuck it all", as I blow out the smoke. I feel my heart start to burn with passion and ambition and put on my favorite song Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson to get myself going for the day. That's when I get sucked into the rabbit hole by daydreaming of what could've happened and what could've been in the past.

Living with a mental illness is the most difficult journey one can have. Because it is not visible you can't show your wounds if you like. You can look absolutely normal and speak normally but inside you are crying and hurting all the time. I'm writing this article to let the people who might be suffering but afraid to go and see the doctor. It is exactly what happened to me, it feels as if you are going through a bereavement. I didn't pay attention to myself for years, because I was an extremely busy woman with two small children, numerous projects, work, university. Sometimes I would read science books to the point that I couldn't switch off. My mind was constantly racing and it was difficult to rest in that moment of my life. I remember smiling but sometimes inside I was feeling sad. The moments of euphoria was when I would listen to my favourite tunes or exercised. There were the days when I felt on top of the world. I would describe this feeling to my friends.

My name is Olga and I suffer with Bipolar disorder. I am writing this article to help others in understanding what Bipolar disorder is, how its started and what I have been doing so far to manage my condition. In this article I will explain giving examples from my own experience so its easy to understand when it comes in detecting the Bipolar disorder and therefore getting the right help at the right time before it escalates into more severe form of illness that requires hospitalization.

Imagine waking up in pain every single day. Think about how horrendous that would make you feel. Imagine the kind of effect it would have on your mood and your general outlook on life.

This is the unfortunate love story between Depression and Twitter.

Have you ever felt like you were trying so hard to move forward in life only to find yourself stuck in the same place? You may have been like me. It all started with The Locus of Control a concept that was extremely difficult for me to grasp in my psych 101 class. There is the Internal Locus of Control and External Locus of Control. The internal one focus on you believing that you have the ability to change how your life will go while the external one is about things outside of your control are responsible for why something didn’t happen for you. I hadn’t realized that I was living by the external control of things, I had thought I was the one in control of my life until I realized(after long hours of questioning myself) I was blaming my upbringing(you can insert what is blocking you) for why I couldn’t get better in my life, and when I thought I was moving forward I was really taking 10 steps back; I would end up back in the same place I was before. The problem was I didn’t really want to be responsible for myself, secretly I had been wanting someone else to sweep me away and take control of my actions, but deep down I wanted that control. So after many hours and months and years of research I came across the answer, resilience, the power of your accord. I will tell you it is not easy. It is a complete transformation of yourself, but the end result is worth it. You will be happier and healthier because of it. So, below are the principles of resilience which focus on the Internal Locus of Control —taking personal responsibility for yourself to overcome the hard times that enter your life. It has helped change my life and I hope it can shed some light on possibly some areas you might be going through as well. To those who already use this pat yourself on the back.

When you were just three years old, your mother decided she no longer wanted to be a parent anymore. She wrapped you up in ill-fitting clothes and dropped you off on the steps of her brother. For three to four years, you believed you had a family. That was until you stepped off the yellow school bus on your eighth birthday and met with red, white, and blue lights of a cop car. They removed you from the only family home you could remember under false pretenses. They told you that you were going on a field trip for the weekend. It was not until you arrived at your first foster home a couple of weeks later that you learned just how not right things were. They tell you that the one person you trusted not to leave or hurt you was a monster just like the rest of them. You don’t want to believe them, but you still have nightmares about all the unspeakable acts that happened behind closed doors and the events that occurred out in the open.

I have been a counsellor for the past 2 years and I offer a free online email counselling service. Some of my clients have kindly agreed to share their details so that they might help someone else going through the same thing they are. They have given full written permission for their problems to be shared.

10 ways that will help you when your suffering from depression.

Living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) must be hellish no matter what your trigger is. But living with contamination triggered OCD during a global pandemic must be some kind of living nightmare. There is no escaping it at the moment. Everywhere you turn there is talk of germs. Washing hands, sanitising surfaces and wiping down groceries are all things you did anyway. But now you’ve gone into full-on hyper-drive. And the threat that you perceived anyway has just suddenly become even more real. So how can you stop yourself spiralling out of control and letting the OCD take over your life even more? 

Hello, I have Emetophobia.

So recently there has been Ted talks that focused on the idea of pedophilia being normal or looked at as the same as being gay. Of course parents and those of us who aren't pedophiles can see why this will never happen or at least shouldn't happen. I will warn you now this may be a little on the ramble side.

In the past 20 years, the need to be connected to everyone, everywhere, all the time has increased tenfold. With the development of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Tumblr, everyone feels the pressure of social media.

The current diet culture created a general obsession with weight that has made many people sick and can lead to eating disorders. Relentless focus on food and weight can seep into your psyche, resulting in unhealthy fixations.

It’s said that narcissist personality disorder is just that, a dysfunctional personality disorder however I see it as much more. There is so much more going on then just how someone acts towards others.

The 9 big signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), identity disturbance, chronic feelings of emptiness, stress-related paranoid ideation, impulsivity in two areas, suicidal or self-mutilative behavior, affective instability, inappropriate anger, and avoidance of abandonment are divided into three larger categories; disturbed relatedness, behavior dysregulation, and affective dysregulation.

What is BPD? Border line personality disorder. I’m not going to bore you with my diagnoses. I’m going to paint you a vivid picture. It’s getting into recovery but the symptoms and feelings still exist as if you were a little girl still. The fear of abandonment, feeling unloved, feeling like I’m not good enough and invalidated. That my friends and family are better off without me. That I’m broken. Like physically broken because my brain is broken. It doesn’t function properly. Life in recovery for me in minimizing my BPD episodes. However they will always exist. So it’s more about how I should cope with them. I was triggered a few days ago when my oldest brother made a comment that he’s never been my actual Dad. As you know as I just told you brings up the feelings of being invalidated, unloved and not good enough. Living with a loved one who has BPD it’s important you learn how to specifically word everything you say. It’s not so much about the things you say it’s how you say them. My brother could’ve said “I love that you feel I was there you like a dad because I know your dad wasn’t, I’ve just always felt like an older brother who loves you very much.” Saying the same thing but one triggers an episode and one doesn’t. For us borderliners we have that one or few people who we can call to at least subside the depressive episode because it’s hard to make it fully stop. My brother whose 5 years older than I am is my life line. I often feel he’s my IV when I’ve lost blood. Or my oxygen tube when I can’t breathe. Meaning he’s saved my life. My only proof that there are amazing kind hearted loyal men in this world is because my brother exists. He’s the most amazing male figure I’ve ever known. In my episodes I feel like I don’t deserve him. Just ten minutes on the phone with my one brother he pulled me out of falling into a deep depressive episode. Truthfully I question if I really deserve him. Im so broken sometimes that I start to feel that he may get tired of putting me back together. I don’t know how he makes my illnesses a priority. How he does it with a wife, kid and two jobs. And with all that in my life my brother is the only human in my life who has never triggered me. I think it’s because he knows me the best out of everybody because he experiences my episodes with me. I know I rely on him a lot and sometimes I feel guilty about it because I know I could never completely return the favor to him. He doesn’t need me to save his life. Not sure how people like my brother exist. But he does. And I’m so grateful because he helps make my episodes manageable and sometimes can pull me out. I felt much better after I spoke to him as I ate something and laughed just minutes after. Then that night my ex happens. He’s the biggest trigger I’ve ever had in my life. Every single trigger that I’ve mentioned with BPD he hits all of them consistently. He’s a selfish heroin addict and quite honestly my severe illness has never mattered at all to him. It’s not that I love somebody because they are unavailable bc of drugs. What nobody understands is I love him because he’s the only man that’s loved me as much as my brother does. It’s the passion and the love he feels so strongly for me that makes it hard to leave. Even though he can’t present the love in the right way because he’s unhealthy. Because of drugs his love is toxic. But I see his core personality all the time before the drugs take over him. And the person he is in his core is somebody I’m devestayed that I have no choice but to stay away from. He never completely understands that I am just as sick as he is. He minimizing my struggles. So he then triggers me just a few hours before I just was. He doesn’t show up to see me when he knew I really needed him after he had recently told me loves me but then took it back and said he loved drugs and being with other girls more. So it checks off everything. He made me feel abandoned, unloved and not good enough. The second we feel this way the depressive episode spirals. You know you’re very susceptible to fall into an episode when you’ve been self medicating a lot. My ex was deeply stressing me out and for a week and I was taking my sleeping pill and drinking myself to sleep. The worst part of it is knowing how sick he’s making me because he won’t better himself and how hard it is to leave him when they are those loving passionate times his core personality exists. So the episode starts as I was already close to my breaking point. All it took was two triggers. But the triggers from my ex hit harder than other people. His triggers have me stuck in episodes for days. When they honestly can be as short as 30 minutes. Immediately I feel actual emptiness in my chest. With BPD we have chronic feelings of emptiness. My chest physically hurt. And when it does I have a hard time sleeping. I feel alone. Hollowed out. And really just empty. The emptiness hurts to much to sleep. Especially in an less familiar place. Not your safe space. It was 4 AM but I told my cousin I needed to be home. I’d never get out of my episode if I didn’t try and heal. Which means sleeping in my safe space. That’s how we heal from episodes. Only thing you can do is sleep in a place that always makes us feel secure. That night a young male driver drove me home. I purposely kissed him in a way I knew would drive him crazy and make him utterly obsessed with me. And then ghost him. I do this a lot. It’s to make me feel powerful and sadly feel better about myself. That they fall in love with me after one kiss and I run inside and block them on everything after they declare their obsession for me. And I know they’ll spend days even weeks to months thinking about that one kiss with me. My friends say I’m the definition of a male player. I think I’m just fucked up in the head. I went to sleep and felt that I was better. I did a few things to heal. Made sure to get out of my bed. Watch a show I love. Showered twice. Listen to rock music and go for a drive. Get my favorite Gatorade. Get some sun. Call my brother to say hi. But I barely ate that day maybe 400 calories. I wake up again the next day having convinced myself I was fine. However still haven’t eaten anything and it’s 9:00 PM. I realize my hunger pains is a way I self harm in my depressive episodes now that I’ve overcome bulimia and don’t binge and purge. My closest friend knows when I’m in the episode. My voice is completely flat. I sound lifeless. And my cute giggle is nonexistent. I actually can barely smile or laugh. My mom is worried because I won’t eat. And she’s nervous I won’t wake up all day. My closest friend feels helpless because she wishes she could pull me out but she knows there’s nothing she can do. A lot of times during the episode you can’t really sleep. Sad thing is I can’t even pull my self out of the episode. I just use my healthy coping mechanisms, like right now writing this article. And sleep to heal and pray I wake up and the episode is done and I have my appetite and life back to my body, voice and facial expressions. At this point it’s a few days into my depressive episode. Life is actually great. I finally met someone where the feelings are mutual. Had two real estate closings. My modeling is going really well. And contracts are being signed on my first flip property. I’m even consistently losing weight. There’s no rationality behind the episodes sometimes. Someone who holds power over us triggers us and it’s hard to pull ourselves out. Today I am not experiencing chronic feelings of emptiness. I feel more lifeless and drained. I only hate 600 calories all day because the hunger pains make me feel better. It’s my “healthy” way to self harm in recovery. Instead of impulsive dangerous behaviors that could leave me in jail or dead. I listen to sad songs and cry instantly after thinking I was just okay. I can’t hold back tears. The thing that sent me in the episode haunts me until it’s over. My most used coping mechanism is driving blasting emo music. Which is rock, alternative rock, hard rock, punk rock. The music actually pulses through my veins, it penetrates my skin and the screaming words of depression and suicidal ideation with loud beating drums and electric guitar numb the sadness and speak to me on a level that I know these bands deeply understand what I’m feeling. I don’t always experience suicidal ideation. This episode I haven’t felt like the world would be a better place without me or that I’m a failure. This episode has mainly been strong feelings of sadness and the inability to feel anything other than morose. Even with all the good around me. I’m stuck in a bubble where there’s a gray rain cloud showering on me all day and night. Even though outside my bubble a few feet from me the sun is beating down. All that I can do now at 3:00 AM is try to sleep. All I can hope is that I heal this time I sleep and wake up out of the episode. Sometimes we have to walk away from people just to save ourselves. Even the ones we love the most.

The term mental illness can be daunting. It can be scary and bring an uneasy feeling. Discussing mental illness in public is frowned upon by some. But why? What made society believe that talking about mental illness is bad? Why are we afraid to discuss the seriousness of mental illness? Why are some people afraid of people with mental disorders? Is it their “unpredictability?” Or is it our inability to fully understand their illness?

Growing up isn’t always easy. Learning about life & fighting the everyday struggles. Approaching someone new, you hear their words & you question their intent. Overtime you grow to find interest, but they start to ask for favors. You worry their intentions are more self reliant.

I want to start by saying that any kind of sexual abuse is NEVER the survivor’s fault. There is no excuse for it and there are no “factors” that play a part. Childhood sexual abuse is a crime, plain and simple. Only, for the survivor’s, it’s not plain or simple.

Please note that this story contains descriptions of domestic violence.

One day during probably one of the worst times I struggled with trauma, I had a daydream. I saw myself as a young child, maybe 7 years old. I was in a dark well. It looked like I had fallen so deep into the well that I couldn't see the light of day anymore. _Was it day or night?_ I wasn't sure. It was just total darkness. I sobbed and cried but nobody could hear me. I screamed for help and not a soul could hear. Nobody would come. My throat was tight, and my lips were dry and cracked. I was parched. I said and pulled my knees close into my chest. It just felt better to be crumpled up into a ball. It allowed me some body heat or at least the idea of it.

One in Five Canadians will experience a mental health issue at some point in their lifetime, so why is it that average “wait times for outpatient services are six to nine months”?(CBC News, 2015). Mental Illness is a common, yet often unacknowledged reality for many individuals; it’s imperative that medical concerns are treated quickly and efficiently no matter what the concern is. However most Canadians struggling with mental health issues, do not have that quick and efficient treatment for something that could potentially be unnoticeably life threatening. Despite there having been “a 30-per-cent jump from the same month the previous year.” (CBC News, 2011) in ER visits at one hospital alone.

Some people claim that vitamins and minerals can cure serious mental illness. That's not what I'm talking about here. While in general, there's not a ton of research funding for supplements and herbal products, there are a number of supplements that do have some research evidence to support their effectiveness in depression.

One of the things I talk about in my new book Managing the Depression Puzzle is the idea of differentiating between illness treatment strategies and wellness promotion strategies. I think it’s a distinction that applies to mental illness in general. So what’s the difference?