Life presents variables; learning how to cope in order to master, minimize, or tolerate what has come to pass.
Lost, and Six Months Alone
I, like most people, had one of the worst years imaginable in 2020. The pandemic is a given, naturally. But then I lost my sister, a beloved dog, and an Aunt in a matter of four months. I struggled with crippling depression throughout the year. Then a week shy of the anniversary of what I consider the start of the worst year ever (March 12th), and the day after I received my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine, my ex sat me down and broke up with me, then moved out the next day. So this year, 2021, hasn't been much better in many ways.
My September Awareness Story
Hi, My name is Sarah and in light of this months awareness of Suicide Prevention Month I thought it would be a good time to tell my own.
Bombshell noun : one that is stunning, amazing, or devastating : something or someone having a sudden and sensational effect
Suicide, Not an Answer
I've thought about suicide more times than I can count and I've attempted it several times. Obviously I've never been successful with it but doesn't change the feeling I have of not wanting to be here anymore. I don't believe in an afterlife or religion, for that matter. I was raised by the Bible and went to church every Sunday. But traumatic events have opened my eyes that there's no such thing as God or an afterlife.
Life is ruff
So life is rough. Um, so my sister is saying she is gonna refuse to go to our dad's this Friday. Last may I tried to do that but I ended up going. I do not blame her for not wanting to go but there is some stuff. For one. He has gotten somewhat better. Two, It is going to stress me out so much. Three, he will call the cops and I am not sure how it will go. And finally, she has less than three years left of going. I have five. I just want to endure it and not make things worse. If she ends up not going I will probably still have to go. I will not fight it. That is just too hard to do right now. I want to make others' lives easier, not harder.
As I write this, my mind is dashing from one idea to the next - "this is stupid, no one will read it" to "but I'm not writing it to be read, I'm writing to get it out" to "you're wasting time, you know you should be working" to "but I can't work when I can't think clearly, so I write."
Not all is lost when the darkness sets in, nature has a way of creating a none contact shield from this burden maker. Walking through the woods by yourself or with people who care about you, breathing in the air, watching the stream and the birds tweeting. This allows you some freedom away from the stresses of modern life, here in the woods there is no hate, no judgement, no work, only freedom to do as you like and be who you want to be. The freedom to be yourself. Sadly, we all need to come back to modern stresses of life.
THIS is for Me, Not You
I've tried to avoid doing this so many times. I try to stay busy doing something, Anything to not let my thoughts drift to you. Really I can't believe I’m writing this. I thought I was over it, over you. I have so many other things going on in my life that I push this issue on the back burner, but not anymore. I've never hurt like this before and can't ignore it anymore. I still love and miss you, the person that hurt me more than I've ever been hurt..Ever. I can't make sense of it..sounds absurd. I know I can't go back, but I also can't move completely forward..but maybe these suppressed feelings are keeping me from doing just that. You can't help who you love. People ask me all the time..Really..him? Yea..him..because once upon a time you were my best friend, my everything. I quickly found out you had a very evil side. I've been. through, seen, and heard things that will haunt my memories forever. I honestly Never knew that kind of evil existed. But for some reason..i would force myself to remember the good, because as Crazy as it sounds...how do I even put this..it was the best and worst relationship I've ever been in. I remember we were inseparable..the whole relationship..in the beginning because we couldnt get enough of each other, and than it was because of your possessive ways. I felt so loved at first and feelings id never had before. I opened up to you about traumatic experiences from my past and you told me horrible stories of your childhood that made me angry at a person that's no longer living..i never even knew. I just don't understand..you went from brushing my hair and painting my nails and pampering me to hurting me..in every way. I lost so much of myself making sure you were satisfied to just being physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. The first time you ever hit me was Valentines day..our first one together..what a nice way to remember. Afterwards you cried. Here I am with the beginnings of a black eye but I'm consoling you because..its not your fault..thats all you knew growing up. And..that became the pattern. You'd even give me pointers on how to cover my many many black eyes and told me once.." my mom could cover hers where you couldnt tell at all" How sad I thought, how that was just a normal thing for you..and there again..i told myself.."Ill fix him and show him how to love. I tried so hard and at times I felt you did too, but unfortunately there was no uprooting that seed you had planted at an early age. And of course it just got worse. I gave up once. You were hitting me in the temple repeatedly and as I was going in and out of consciousness i just accepted my fate, but you always seemed to know just how far to take it and stop right before there was no turning back. I remember that day I just laid there and wanted you to succeed. I wanted my life to end. I mean what was my purpose..i lost everything..my family, my boys, myself because I always chose you. In some sick way i felt like I needed you, but after all that was the plan huh..isolate me from everyone and everything so id always need you and never leave. I'm ashamed of myself..how could I be so blind and naive? I used to get compliments from everyone on my spark and personality and how I could make anyone laugh and than just like that diminished to a shell of myself. Well, I'm slowly getting that girl back..but it's a process. People that knew me before sometimes ask.."why are you so quiet?..or loosen up..im trying and Will overcome this. I still have to remind myself..its ok to relax..hes not here analyzing your every move anymore. The real kicker here is we both had an abusive childhood. Your the way you are, because you watched your father and I'm how I am, because I also watched my (step)father. All about perspective. There comes a point in life where we can’t blame our past and misfortunes on our present. Its Always been about You, but not this time! I’m forgiving you, but it’s for me..not you! I finally realized if I keep letting this define me, that your still controlling me and it’s time I heal and embrace life again. Why should I keep punishing myself? Even after all the hell you've put me through..i will still always love you, but Finally realized I love myself more.
Life, it's both amazing and incredibly cruel. Some of the most amazing memories I have had have been with my best friend, just walking in the woods, taking in the air, the freedom. The intense moments are often free of cost, certainly financially. Life is best spent with those who truly care about you, those people who would do anything for you without the any strings attached, no favours, no "I'll do this, if you do that" business. However, life doesn't come without its costs, the mourning of a loved one, financial loses, the irrational hatred to another person or animal, just because they are different.
My brother lived in Brooklyn in September 2001, and had an uninterrupted view of Manhattan, where his husband was working, on the eleventh. Fortunately, my brother's husband made it home by the end of the day, unscathed in body.
How To Not Hate People.
I was on the bus yesterday, ready to murder the man standing next to me with his mask down by his chin. You’ve found yourself in something similar; consumed by anger at how stupid someone can be. You’ve followed rules your whole life and just can’t help but feel vitriol when you see someone breaking them, as though they are somehow above these rules.
Coping With Depression
By the time I was eleven, I started showing signs that something might not have been alright for me. Although my mom did usually catch when I was feeling not myself in these early stages, everyone else would just crack multiple jokes about how I was "just starting puberty".. so that's what I would constantly remind myself.