Context note: There will be discussion of death, suicidality, body image, derealization, and other health concerns related to PMDD. Please read with caution.
I have CPTSD, which means I flashback to trauma on a regular basis but wind up using my very basic EMDR knowledge to ease the pain. I have learned however, not to repeat the trauma by dumping people who do not help me. As I write and as you read, I'm working on listening to Youtube videos about CPTSD. CPTSD gives you many a panic attack/flashback at the same time. Your perceptions are pretty much distorted because you have a high stress existence. I do show good judgment often enough with my way of doing things, including my need to take my medication daily. I had to get around my family's "you can't see a psychiatrist" rule in my 20s. Then at 28, I was like, wait a minute, I have control over my medical care, they hate it, and so off I went to see a psychiatrist.
When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I scoured the internet for answers. I looked through every forum, every social media, and every support group for answers. Why am I like this? Was I always like this? Did my trauma cause this? I certainly got a few answers, but one that surprised me was to a question that I didn’t even ask. This was the discovery of the “favorite person”, the awareness of which made everything about my past relationships fall perfectly into place.
Hello Dear readers. I have been breaking with convention a bit and posting things of a slightly different nature as you may know. There have been a couple of things going on, one of them is that I have been experiencing a fair bit of stress lately. The funny thing is that the stress seems to stay in my blankets. Namely, I feel stressed about facing the world but if I can get up and get dressed I stand a much better chance of facing my problems and at the very least leaving the house to try and do them. Last night was kind of a special night for me because I love to participate in 5-minute live story readings for cash prizes, and the theme for the story was 'disability'. I couldn't have picked a more perfect theme, I loved the idea of talking about my illness and where it took me. The main problem was that I had to make it as though I were telling a story, even though my story was pretty much completely non-fiction. I won't go too much further into it, I thought I would try and post a relevant photo first and then paste in the text of the story I wrote in case any of my readers would like it. Once again I strongly encourage any regular readers to write me with any questions, I can even keep the responses anonymous, and I have no problem even doing some heavy research to answer any questions you have. I think the biggest thing I can say is that once you find a good medication and have a stable life, you can then go into things like a life-skills group where they teach you to better communicate with others, then perhaps once done this successfully, a person who has been in a hospital for a long stay for psychiatric reasons can look into part-time education (and I often recommend distance learning, especially if you are a little older), bettering themselves, keeping their lives low-stress, and then when you are ready move to the next step of finding normal employment. I think this is a time when volunteering is really good because a lot of employers like the idea that you will work for nothing (just kidding) and many other advantages like filling in any large gaps of time in your resume. So, here goes, picture below and then at the bottom of today's message I will paste in my winning story. Take care everyone!
It was another day in the life of a “normal” teenager. I put normal in quotations because what even is normal. I guess you could say I was a typical teenager. It was the summer after high school graduation. I was still trying to decide if college was for me or what I was going to do with my life. I visited a local community college to see what my options were. After that I was in route to see my girlfriend at the time and bring her some lunch. Earlier this day we had a fight and I wanted to make it up to her. Anyways, I was driving along and started to feel extremely paranoid. I started having intrusive thoughts that someone was following me. I pulled over into a gas station and the thoughts began to sound like voices. Voices asking for help inside the gas station. Then I heard what I thought was god or someone telling me to go inside the gas station and help these people. I went inside and asked who needed help and the people inside looked at me sideways. Like I was crazy for lack of a better term. I started panicking and went back to my car. The tears came and my breathing quickened. I was having a panic attack for the first time ever in my life. I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time so I called my mom to ask her for help. I believed I was having a heart attack or something and was dying. I told her about the voices and that god was talking to me. She told me to stay put and she was coming to get me. While on the phone with her a man walked up to my window waving money at me. I think he thought I was in trouble and needed it. Thinking about it now I wish I could thank that man. But I was too manic to even recognize his generosity. My mom arrived and transported me to a place called the stress center. Once I got there things become a lot fuzzier so the details are blurry. I’m going to try my best to describe my experience. The man that questioned me at the stress center was a big man with a deep voice. I truly believed he was god and he was testing me. Very scary delusion, thinking I’m sitting across from god. After our discussion they admitted me into the actual hospital on the psych floor. They ran so many tests to figure out why this was happening. From my point of view it felt like I had died and gone to hell. I was seeing and hearing many different scary things. I saw shadows and demon faces in my hospital window. At one point I thought the devil was in the room with me. The tv was sending me messages on how to get out of this hell. I started reading the Bible and praying. So many different insane thoughts went through my mind. It’s like I was locked in this alternate reality. Ultimately I lost touch with reality and became a completely different person. I’m sure my loved ones would agree with that. Their experience of the whole matter is completely different than mine. I’d like to interview them and get their point of view one day. The reason I’m telling this story is to put it out there for others to relate to and possibly educate others on what it’s like for me to experience psychosis. Which is what was happening to me. This was just the first psychotic episode I’ve had. All together I’ve had 3 episodes. Back to the story. After a week in the hospital I was put in the inpatient unit of the stress center. I spent a couple weeks there recovering and getting back to myself. It took a while to recover and my brain was never the same after that traumatic episode. At this point the doctors still didn’t know what was wrong with me. But this was the first sign of my bipolar. At the beginning we all believed it was a one time thing caused by stress and my drug usage. Sorry if this didn’t make any sense. Hopefully you learned something or related in some way. Life was never the same after this. This disorder for me is debilitating. Every person with bipolar disorder has a different experience. If you made it this far thank you for reading and reach out to me with any questions you may have. I’m not the best writer so please excuse any mistakes I made. Also I’m always here as support for anyone struggling with mental illness or just life in general.
I don’t often share anything “deep” or truly personal on my social media or any public platform at all...until now.
Winter is here, and we all know what that means!
I love the summer. I love the hot weather, I love the smell of freshly cut grass and the smell of sunscreen, those are the small things that I love about it. The thing that I love most is how I feel during the summer months; I feel happy and ready to go anywhere and do anything as long as it is outside and I am enjoying the warm weather. Then winter comes. The snow covers the trees and grass is no longer visible. It gets cold and warming up by the fire with a mug filled with hot chocolate and marshmallows. Christmas comes and everyone strings there houses with lights that fill me with joy. However, most days I do not feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I just want to curl up in a blanket and not see anyone for weeks or just read my book, play a video game and be left alone. This is what is called seasonal affective disorder, you only feel down during the winter days. However, some of you may wonder what is seasonal affective disorder? well, let me summarize it. "It is a type of depression that is related to the seasons". It happens mostly because of the lack of vitamin D that a person is taking in. For people who love skiing and doing snow sports, it does not happen very often because they are outside getting that vitamin D and enjoying a fun activity. Since the city I live in is known for the sunny weather many people are diagnosed with the seasonal depression. However, the seasonal depression can also take place during summer, but that happens in very rare cases.