LIVING IN RECOVERY

So I bet you're asking yourself right now, 'What does a bunch of birds (above) have to do with sobriety?' The answer to this conundrum would be, absolutely nothing- on the surface that is. But in reality, recovering addicts are much like a flock of birds insomuch as they tend to congregate in places to talk about their respective addictions. That's about where the comparison ends from the birds' perspective anyway. I mean it's not like these birds are discussing what they did to make an ass of themselves last night, or how many of their bird friends they pissed off or made uncomfortable because of their use of illegal narcotics or perfectly legal alcohol...the birds have better things to do I'm sure. Nests to build, eggs to warm and the like...

I’ve never met a person struggling with substance abuse that wasn’t fighting it in some way. Addiction is a destructive illness that divorces parts of the brain from itself and suspends the sufferer in a constant state of self-battle, like a person continuously drowning who can reach the surface just long enough to elongate the suffering and glimpse redemption yet never fully break free. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the suicide rate among those with this terrible affliction is so high. You can only go through this mental abuse for so long before you reach a breaking point. It doesn’t matter how strong you are. Torture breaks everyone eventually.

I have considered myself a writer since I was a teen and could string together words that sounded deep. I have talked about writing a book most of my adult life. I have come up with interesting titles. I have thought about the content. I have sat in front of my computer for hours staring at it hoping that the words will form. I am a fraud. I am not a writer. I have no degree in literature or journalism. I have never written a single word that a career as a freelance writer could be built upon.

The Whats and Whys of Journals

Relapse: It will happen.

On Monday 13th May 2019 I was a normal 18 year old student, went out clubbing that night like every other week.

How often do you scroll through Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, or any other social media platform, and see beautiful women, gorgeous men, and individuals that appear absolutely perfect? For me, it’s daily. As a freelancer and lover of social media, I use my platforms often, and I’ve grown tired of the unrealistic standards society has created. This image that everyone has a perfect life, a rocking body, and a mountain of money is a lie. No one is perfect, not even that Instagram influencer model with the perfect tan, beautiful house, and travel history one dreams of -- she has struggles, worries, and dreams she wishes to achieve just like you and me.

Last year I had the absolute pleasure of being part of the UK Calendar Girls competition, rasing funds for Mental Health Awareness and The Chestnut Appeal for Prostate Cancer, two charities I find particularly important in our current times. My gorgeous and always supportive husband Stephen drove me to the photoshoot and later on did all he could do so I got a lot of visibility, furthering my modelling career at the same time as promoting the two charities. It was overall a hugely enjoyable and worthwhile experience!

So, a quick recap…

It didn't start out the way it ended, in the beginning it was a good relationship but slowly things went south over the course of years. In 2014 is when it began to fall apart. Our workplace shut down for a remodel so we were relocated to another store an hour and half away. We worked the same shift, so it was easier on the both of us. This is when it became apparent I wasn't as important as I thought. While he ate out at restaurants with his crew, I wasn't eating or if I did it was the cheapest I could get. I would dig for change in the car sometimes just to get something to make it through the day.

We never grow up wanting to be involved in drugs and especially not addicted. Some addicts struggle deeper then others do. When we first pick up that first hit of whatever drug of choice we chose. We never really know the severity of the consequences of that reaction. We all say “just once” but it’s never just one time at all. That just once turns into needing it everyday, stealing, cheating, lying. You get the point of what comes with a choice. There’s either bad consequences with a bad choice or good consequences with a good choice. Today I am here to say I once was an addict off and on. I started when I was 17 years old and still in high school. I tried it just once and immediately got hooked from the first time I tried speed aka(crank,ice,meth, Tina). The week of when everything spiraled down hill for me was the worst moment of my life. I had just quit my job(forgetting to take my meds/ran out), my Ex boyfriend broke up with me because of that decision an was mentally abusing me the whole time as I was going downhill. I started using again after all that had happened. That night of May 23rd I wanted to kill myself I had the pills in my hand. I was ready to just end it all and I was balling my eyes out. I was begging so hard to be loved by someone who could care less about me at the moment. I was high on drugs like really out of it. The moment everything became reality is when the cops showed up at my door. This one cop sat me down and talked to me he really cared about my well being. He took the pills from my hand and then I admitted I still had drugs on me. I could’ve went to jail but he didn’t think that was the best option. I was on my way to the behavioral unit in dexter southeast hospital in the ambulance. Mind you I had marks on my legs and face from picking at them because of this drug and my anxiety. I didn’t look like myself anymore. I looked like a sad hopeless unworthy dead lost human person. I was super lost at the moment for an entire week so bad. My friend John came and seen me in the hospital. He said I looked so gone and out of it an just not there. He said I looked unrecognizable and not the person he knew. It hurt him so badly that it made him very emotional and hurt. I’m here writing this to tell you that if you’re struggling with anything at all. Know you’re loved and worthy of being alive. Drugs do not love you and neither does any man who doesn’t see your worth. I may not be where I want to be yet but I’m so glad I am not where I used to be. I’ve been waiting for this moment FOREVER. I am officially 1 year sober!!!! Anyone can do it you just got to want it. I can’t change back time or the things I have done. But if I had one wish it would be that I wouldn’t fight for someone who didn’t want me. I wouldn’t have begged for someone to love me. I wouldn’t have begged drugs to heal me. Drugs only made me lost and kept me drowning in my sorrow. You’re loved no matter what and if you’re reading this please reach out to me if you need to talk.