Escaping the Ground

You pretended to be nice by day 
By dawn 
You showed me the villain  in  you 
Yelling at night
Causing arguments 

I got confused about who you truly were 
I just wanted you to protect me 
Treat me like a daughter 
But instead 
You treated me like I was invisible 

You turned red 
Horns above your head 
Yet you hugged me 
I didn’t know you 

You told me I’m beautiful 
Then had red eyes hours later
I didn’t know which one to trust 
Two alarms going off 
One in my chest and one in my brain

As I got older
 My brain started processing 
It tried telling me you were evil 
But I wanted to see the good in you 

You cut my heart open and hid the evidence 
I tried telling myself 
This isn’t real because we are related 
But my depression showed me the truth
It tried telling me something was wrong 
That I was living in fear 

It showed me my life was a nightmare
You were a nightmare
You cut me open and let me bleed 

You put me in the ground with a television that replayed memories of you
I screamed silently
wanting to escape 

But my brain told me I couldn’t because we are related
I cried every night
Startled every time I would hear you come home
Watching every move you made 
I honestly hate that I met you 
When you got close
The glass sharpened 

I was terrified even being in the same room as you 
But I kept telling myself this isn’t real 

What I should have told myself instead 
You don’t deserve a daughter like me
I don’t need you 

And since I have left 
My sadness has weakened 
My body has become relaxed 
I’m not burning in fear 
I’m not watching the clock like a hawk 

You tried coming back
Thinking everything was fine
But I have officially blocked you out of my life 

I have crawled out of the ground 
The cut has turned into scars 
The way I look at my life now 
Is surviving 
Surviving is my strength 
And that’s something you can’t take away 

While writing this, I noticed my strength and how I survive. Sometimes I forget how I did it, and writing this has shown me that I protected myself. I am proud of myself for setting boundaries with someone toxic, all to save myself.  It took me a while to actually realize that person was draining my brain, but I listened to the shakiness in my body, and since then I feel proud that I recognized my pain. 

Looking back now, I know I did the right thing. It was like a curse: the person in my childhood had cursed me, and by me leaving and saying I don't want you in my life, I broke the curse. I feel less heavy now; I feel alive; I feel different. Life has lots of bumpy roads, but once you get to a smooth road, it's different; it's calmer; the alarm system is grounded.

I am terrified of somehow running into a bumpy road and being stuck in quicksand while on the bumpy road, but I am changing my present for the future, not repeating the past.

This has taught me so much. Each time I write something dark like this, it shows me how strong I have gotten; it shows me my resilience. That's the best part of writing: showing growth and how far you have come from the darkness. Life has bumpy roads, but there are smooth roads out there. I know it feels impractical, but its there the smooth road is there.