Pretty Little Pearls I had been inspired to go out and have fun. “Some fun”, I muttered as I grabbed a towel and turned on the hot water. I climbed into the shower and stayed there until the warmth was gone and my fingers were shriveled. Even that shower couldn’t wash away what had happened that night. Once I found the strength to pull myself away from the tub, I found myself staring into my mirror trying to make sense of everything.

November 28th, 10 years ago, I married my abuser. This person who I met in college, shared multiple laughs, moments, calls, and what I thought was friendship turning to love, I was finally marrying, hoping things would change. Boy was I wrong!!! Within the last 10 years, I reflect on how my life has changed from that day, when I said those words, "I DO." My now EX-husband taught me a valuable lesson about people, and choosing people wisely to have access into your life.

Shock is the fastest way to change someone. Trauma is one such example. Trauma is a deeply distressing event that immediately changes who you are. It’s one type of psychological shock. Any other experience that is completely unexpected will produce that immediate change for you too. While I have always experienced traumas that inevitably shaped who I am (e.g. growing up with a psychotic mother made me believe in her delusions and hallucinations), there have been moments where deeply shocking revelations changed who I was for the better. Immediately.

I want to heal so my voice doesn't shake When I speak the names of my abusers I want to heal so my voice doesn't shake When I tell you what they did to me I want to heal One step at a time So I can be strong for you I want to heal so my voice doesn't shake Should the rain fall down upon you

I remember two of my friends and I going out for wings and drinks. I remember buying some beer for the road. I remember driving down dusty dirt roads, singing and laughing and taking pictures. I remember stopping at a bar for more beer and shots. And then I remember nothing.

It was another typical weekend night. My father was already three sheets to the wind and was headed toward a blackout. My mother was in the small house that we rented in Yazoo City, Mississippi staying occupied and distracted with household chores, and my brother was tucked away in his room where it was safer. I was left sitting in my room hoping for a peaceful night when I heard the dreaded, “Honey girl! Come out here!” I closed my eyes and fought to keep the tears from flooding down my face. My chest felt heavy and my heart raced. I let out a small whimper. So tonight, I was the one my father chose to come keep him company. I always hoped it wouldn’t be me he called, but so did my mother and brother, and it had to be one of us. I didn’t understand why someone would want the company of a child, but I wouldn’t dare to ask. I took a deep breath and got to my feet. I eased my way outside making sure not to walk dangerously slow. I spotted the little white Toyota pickup truck that he called “Yodi” parked in the driveway and made my way to the passenger side. I climbed in the old, squeaky truck, barely seeing over the dashboard, and sat erect and trembling. Please God. Please God. Please help me.

When it’s all over, you realize so much. What everyone thought was an amazing 7 year relationship, really wasn’t. It came with a rollercoaster of emotions. Good and bad. Most of the time, bad. It sucks to realize how much bullshit I went through to keep the relationship going. “Forgiving” him everytime he screamed at me and put me down for being the person I am, staying with him even after he cheated on me multiple times, and believing he loved me even after he had shown me that he really didn’t. It wasn’t worth all the pain and everything I went through. Then just like that it all ended after 7 years. It didn’t end peacefully either… I was served papers by the court while I was away at school in Chicago. The papers said that I was abusive, dangerous, a stalker and many other things that I’m not. Things were listed that he had done to me but he tried turning it around on me just because his girlfriend, he had while still being with me, wanted him to. I got to talk to the judge the day we had our hearing and truthfully told him what went on and how the things that were said were not true… the protective order was lifted and I told my ex and the judge that I could care less to speak or to ever see my ex again. It was all damaging and traumatizing. But, you know what I’m getting myself back and I couldn't be happier. I got all the friends back that I dropped for someone who ended up being temporary. I feel so shitty for dropping all the people who cared and looked out for me even through the 7 years. They tried making me realize and I was too stupid to think it wasn’t true. Now that I’m out of that relationship I could fully realize how bad it was. What I went through is difficult to talk about and to think about. How it drained me and affected me so deeply. We all go through it. We all think we will be with our first love forever. But that’s not what it ends up being most of the time. I honestly can say that I’m glad it wasn’t forever. Because that would have meant forever being sad and in pain physically and emotionally. I would have never been really happy. I would have had to fake that happiness so no one would see the pain I was really in. My heart was broken so many times in the relationship, I don’t know how I kept going with it. The people close to me that I told what really went on always tell me they don’t know how I stayed so strong through it all. I love way too hard and believe that everyone can change depending how hard you love them. But that's not true, no matter how hard you love someone, it doesn't matter unless they love you even harder. The love I gave was taken advantage of so many times. But, Like I said I’m so much happier now that he’s gone. It feels like so much weight off of my shoulders. It is definitely hard to function sometimes, all the trauma I went through affects me everyday but I try my hardest to battle the bad thoughts and feelings. I can now say I’m getting myself back. I can be myself and I can be happy. No more hiding my emotions. No more holding back my feelings. I can do anything I want to without being held back. I won't get physically and mentally abused anymore. I can be me and I can be happy. It’s the best feeling ever. To anyone who has gone through a similar relationship or is currently going through it, you can get through it and stay strong. Please don’t stay with an abusive partner or someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. You matter and the way you deserve to be treated matters.

The guy who wanted to control me & have only me in his life was abusing me & threatening me with violence , sexual exploitation & discreditting me with anyone I knew including my children. We met off a dating site he was eager to meet me & seemed like the type of guy who likes to please people. He came to my house & hardly spoke a word, but was very polite & showed interest in what I had to say. He briefly spoke of his lifetime goal of searching for gold, he left without saying goodbye. Our next interaction was surrounded by strange occurences, I felt an excited rush over me when he would of been heading on the 2 hour drive down the freeway, later confirmed with a text message, when he arrived into my estate all the streetlights went off. I had thoughts of I am connected to this guy on a deeper level, society supported the beginning of this relationship. He was again polite, respectful & affectionate. We had sex that night , he acted if it was his first time & expected me to thank him, strange behavior I thought. Four days later I received accusing text messages from him of being a crackwhore, junkie & worthless, he sent several, I blocked him as I didnt deserve his abuse & thought he was a crazy psycho. A few weeks later I had a judgement thought that maybe I was too hard on him & should give him a chance to explain his behavior , he wanted to see me again, I wanted to see him too I felt drawn to him, I liked the energy he gave off when around him. Whenever we saw each other we had copious amounts of sex, he showed care for me & sincere attraction, I felt protected around him. The more I saw him & communicated with him the more the voices would try to interact with me, drawing me into listening to them & focussing on the importance they felt they had in my life. We were driving one day in my estate a voice asked him if he felt that, when I rested my head on his arm, he nodded his head. He was on the phone raised his hand up as if to turn the volume up & stated he could hear it four blocks away. It was like he was communicating with the voices I could hear. He used to wrap his arms around me like silencing the voices intruding in my every day life, they would quieten. It was if he had some sort of influencing control over them. While in my vegie garden one day a voice from over the fence told him to help me out & another time was them stating to him they didnt want to do that to me, they were just trying to communicate with me to awaken me to them watching me. I felt intimidated & freaked out, why were people attacking me in my own yard, when I wasnt doing anything wrong. The feelings of being observed & judged by those around me increased to paranoia, the voices kept making me aware they were there, asking me questions & forcing me to speak to them, I would speak to them in my head. My so called boyfriend increased his unusual behavior of accusations, degrading me & threatening me while not in my presence. While with me he acted as if nothing had happened & treated me very well, giving off a vibration of connecting energy. The voices would tell me it was true love, even when I was crying defending myself over the phone to him trying to convince him I was not the person he was implying. The situation got increasingly worse I was judging & analysing myself, thinking maybe I portrayed myself that way. I was always worried I was being observed for my actions, behaviors & thought pattern. It was like I was trying to be controlled by the whole community. I thought I could hear their thoughts about me & they would directly target my words in my head. I would look at the moon for comfort & they would tell me not the moon again, a voice asked because I could see birds overhead if I actually thought they were mine. It was if they were taking my appreciation of the little things away from me, like I wasnt allowed to be involved in anything around me, isolating me out. When strange occurences were happening my constant team of voices would express their part in that happening, like they were controlling everything around me, including nature & animals. It was pointed out to me by a friend who met him, inquiring as if he was the alias contacting her stating how much of a piece of trash person I really was. She showed me the messages & there was a picture of him entering me on my bed, I dont recall him taking that photo. I tried to explain the judgement I was feeling was from not being aware of who he was belittling me too, anybody could of been receiving these accusation messages. I became more intimidated & self judging about everything I did, I couldnt affirm to myself I was truly not the person he was trying to convince people I was. I became hollow, depressed, stressed & anxious, I felt powerless in defending myself against him. I knew he was treating me badly & was trying to convince people to not socialise with me taking my life away from me bit by bit, insuating my words were meaningless. I was so broken sometimes I could not visit people or go to the shop, I felt I wasnt worthy enough to communicate with my kids. I even covered my mirror so I could not see myself, my self confidence destroyed, my trust in people questioned, shame & guilt overcame me & I began to believe I was worthless.

His hands wrapped around my white thighs and my face grew paler than the moonlight. I was scared. I tried to press the word “no” through my cement lips but the only thing I could manage was a heartbroken sigh.

How could He do this to me? I gave Him everything, anything He desired, and He turned my world upside down and inside out before I could even tell what was happening. He abused me, lied to me, cheated on me. Looking back, it’s all so clear, but when you are looking at a person through rose-tinted glasses, you don’t notice the red flags.

“You are pathetic for wanting to know your past,” says many people in my life. Most people think that it is futile for me to piece together my past because it no longer matters. I am in the present where I should be working to build a better future. What if I told you that the past absolutely shapes your future if you don’t deal with it? Don’t believe me?

I wasn’t a typical girl. I didn’t fit in with anyone. I was just me. I came from an abusive home, and I was constantly moving from house to house or whomever would house me. As life went on, I came to accept that I would be on my own. I didn’t care about what the world threw at me, I was just focused on survival.