It can never be justified.

The shape of the world right now often makes me feel like I'm living in a fucking nightmare. Not just because there are bad things happening, though that's never great to hear, or because there are so many natural and man made disasters I keep wondering what day I'll wake up and just hear the news that we only have a limited amount of days left on earth. No, what has really fucked with my psyche for the last few days has been the Cornell 57 group chat event. Calling it an event might minimize the significance of what it actually is, so i apologize for that, but for those who are unaware, recently, a Jane Doe came out and announced that she had been raped by seven students at Cornell University, and as punishment, all the boys had to do was write an essay about it. They weren't expelled, or jailed, or anything that would have been appropriate about their behaviour, they were just let off the god damn hook. Naturally, rape is a very serious crime, and anyone, male or female is capable of the act, but hearing about this made me furious for the women in my life. I've been blessed with many amazing people who have made my life better in every way imaginable, and without them, I have no earthly clue what kind of person I would be today. But hearing about this case made me feel the anger and sorrow of women who have gone through cases like this. Where they've been used, used for someone else's pleasure and then discarded as if they are useless after that vile act. I think about not only them, I think about a Jane Doe that I know personally. This story is for them.

When I was younger, I always tried to be what I thought was a good person, even if I wasn't at times. I had friends, both male and female, and tried to be friends with everyone I knew, because why wouldn't I try to do that? I often found it was easier to make friends with girls than it was with boys, not that it was particularly hard to be friends with boys, but I felt as if i fit in more with girls than with boys. If I got teased about liking "girly" things it would make me feel uncomfortable, like it was wrong to like things others did, and that I was less of a person than I should be. I was so focused on what I felt like, that I never even considered what it felt like for the girls who liked those things freely and were still ostracized by boys for so many things that ultimately didn't even matter in the end. I preface my story with this in mind because while I cannot properly compare my experiences of being bullied to those of being harassed, assaulted, raped, abused, and murdered, it does allow me to empathize with those who are looked at as "different" or "lesser than". The person who's story I will tell was never lesser then. And they were only a teenager when their world was changed irrevocably.

I became friends with this person in my first year of secondary school. I had lots of nerves, but I had friends who were going to the same school, so being there and meeting new people wasn't ever going to be a problem. I met her in a Social Studies class, and to this day I can't even remember what started our friendship, but I do remember ranting to a mutual friend we had about a batman movie, and she seemed to find my rant at the very least worthy of not thinking I was a complete fucking dork. Or hell, maybe she did and just rolled with it. Either way, within the first few months of school we became friends. Not ones who hung out all the time, or did were even super close, but we had a mutual group of friends who we hung out with. By the end of the year we could safely call ourselves good friends. After the new year had passed we would hang out several times- we saw the sixth wave and I remember us laughing and making the same jokes several times during that film. She even had an end of year gathering at her house, which I, along with many of my friends were invited to, and I went. It was a good time, although I was one of the few sober people there, that was my own type of fun I was able to have. I suppose I'm getting off track with my memories that I have of her, but for me thats important. Because I can so clearly remember the times I saw her before her life was shattered from some low life putrid collossal fucking monster that I had no idea even existed.

My friend entered a relationship with someone near the end of grade 10, someone who I knew decently well, and liked. They were a typical happy couple you'd see in hallways, for better or for worse. One day in our grade 11 year, I have a very vivid memory of being bored, and asking some friends if they wanted to do something together. My favourite activity had always been going to the movies, so that was my first suggestion, I remember asking my friend if they wanted to come, but they said they had plans with a friend, who would be coming over to their house. Her boyfriend was close friends- perhaps best friends at the time with this person. I had personally never liked him, mainly because in class he would often tease me, occasionally bump into me, and often acted like a dickhead, but I had no reason to think he was evil, or anything like that. Still, when I heard that she was hanging out with him, it made me worried in my gut. I wasn't sure exactly why at the time. Looking back on it now... I should have asked if I could join them. Or if they wanted to do something with me as well, or something else I could have come up with. The rest of the day went by and I went about my business, no problem. It was about a day or two later I found out what had happened. The "friend" had drugged her, then raped her while she was unconscious. When I found out I was mortified. At the time, I could safely say that I never had true hatred in my heart for anyone. He was the first. I felt regret, at not having followed my gut feeling, rage at not having been able to do something to him for it. and pain and sadness. Pain that my friend was violated, and sadness that I had no idea what to do. She would later be diagnosed with agoraphobia, and would have a service dog so she could go around in public without having a breakdown. Even with a service dog though, there were many times in school where I remember her having to leave early or not show up because her rapist still went there. She broke up with her boyfriend for a couple reasons, but one main one was that he was still friends with her rapist. As the rest of our high school lives continued, she would attempt to have a social life, and we would hang out still, but there were plenty of times where she was petrified or had to leave.

She changed schools in the first semester of our last year, which upset me selfishly, but I knew that she needed the space deeply, so I put away my selfish feelings about it, and dealt with the fact one of my closest friends wasn't around anymore. In the meanwhile she had gone to court and had a case against her violator, but nothing ever came out of it to my knowledge. I remember one time a group of us had a get together, and it was getting late and people were getting ready to leave, and I tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention. The look of fear on her face afterwards still stays in my mind. I never wanted to see that face on her, or anyone ever again. As the years progressed, we saw less of each other, as lives got busier and busier. The last time I saw her was a couple of years ago, which is just how life works. But after the whole Cornell group chat came out, I couldn't stop thinking about her. How her life was turned upside down, and how the guilty bastard got no punishment for it. I asked her if i could write about it. I thought maybe it would give her some closure, to talk about what vicious, irredeemable, monstrous act had been done to her. Maybe it will, I certainly hope it does. For someone who had once been one of my closest friends, I still wish them all the best in this life. I thank them for memories shared, laughs had, and a friendship that I wish stayed strong. And this story is for them. And the countless other women and men who have been violated and irreprebably changed because a low life fuckstick decided that they wanted to use them. And for everyone who says "not all men" or "what can I do?" I only have this to say. If there are any men who think it's impossible to make a difference, it isn't. Talk to the women in your life, and hold the men in your life accountable for their words and actions. If you have any gut feelings, act on them. Not everything needs to be a great heroic act. If even one person can make a difference, everyone can. And to my friend, and everybody who has ever been taken advantage of, and their bodily autonomy stripped from them, I truly hope that justice is given to you. And I stand behind you all. I wish you all peace and happiness forever.