I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for most of my life, which I take medication to manage. The medication helps, but I still feel the effects of my mental illness and I’ve just accepted that these issues are here to stay. As with most sufferers of mental health ailments, I fluctuate, and have good and bad days/ weeks/ months depending on a variety of factors, and pre-lockdown I was concerned that months in isolation would make me hit an all-time low.
(This is a warning! This has some graphic detail and triggers in it)
They began when I was 12, 2 years and 4 months ago. They first happened at school when I couldn’t find my freind, who also struggles with anxiety and suicidal thoughts, so when I couldn’t find him and began to panic due to the halls being crammed with people; that was where I first heard them. I finally managed to make my way to the stairwell to get upstairs to my class after the bell went but as I began to climb the stairs they were in my head talking. Unfortunately I can’t give you exact words as it was like they were speaking an alien language but I could still decipher their meanings. At this point the multiple voices spoke as one mush of a voice all saying different things but with the same meanings. When I heard them I grabbed onto the bannister with a rock tight grip and my breathing became even more ragged. One of my favourite teachers, a pshe teacher who helped students with their mental health, saw me and helped me get to my science class. The rest of day passed as normal except for the fact that every now and again snippets of voices would pass into my head.
My writing on this occasion is inspired by my reading of ‘The Myth of Sisyphus’ by Albert Camus. For his writing aims to tackle the issue of the absurd, using that idea in combination with a belief in God to debunk the logic for suicide. For me, this conversation is more relevant than ever. With the general population becoming decreasingly religious within the United Kingdom. My personal experience with suicidal thoughts will come into play to help tackle such a tricky topic. My issue with the use of the absurd is that this does not consider illness such as Psychosis. Which I personally have dealt with. For me Psychosis is coming face to face with absurd situations and finding a rationale for them which may not make sense outside the individual sufferer’s head. This then creates a more complex issue as people try to bring you back to the harshness of reality through logical reasoning. But for the sufferer this does not help the issue. It merely creates a worse situation in which the unwell being spirals and can soon find comfort in ideas such as the taking of one’s life.
Despite the fact we have a conducted thought process to conduct what to say, somehow a certain sentence slips through that makes this self-scrutinizing turmoil begin and it just doesn't stop.
I had the unfortunate experience of being locked up against my will in a psychiatric institution. Here are the series of events that led up to that incarceration. Yes, that's what I call it as that to me is EXACTLY what it was. I was put in a room (cell), held against my will, and had my freedoms taken from me. I was threatened with longer term incarceration for being quiet, which I was told was my right to do so, for dropping a cell phone four inches onto a padded chair and more. If you do not think for one moment that the under-privileged and minorities, mainly our black and brown (darker-skinned) brothers and sisters can be and are mistreated, THINK AGAIN. If I as a PRIVILEGED, WHITE WOMAN WAS and can be treated this way JUST IMAGINE how minorities can be treated by those who have prejudice in their hearts.
Chaotic Absolute And A Beautiful Torment
Black Men are the epitome of strength. However, as a culture we define strength based on outward appearance. When the reality is that true strength comes from within and starts in your mind. As black men we are taught to be strong and not show emotion because that is a form of weakness.
I will be 47 years old in a few days and I've always known I was different. I've always been more sensitive though I try really hard not to show it. I have trouble speaking to people and have had to train myself to look people in the eye. I don't know big words which makes me confused when speaking to others and I always come across as stupid when I'm not. Nobody who knows me really, "gets" me. My younger sister is the only one who even comes close and even she fails sometimes.