Introduction of Coping Skills Series

I have, personally, long felt the calling to write about mental health topics.  In doing so, I wanted to help others who also struggle feel less alone, to motivate myself to practice coping skills and improve my own mental health, and to form a sense of community. 

About 6 months ago, I stopped publicly writing after an individual accused me of harming my children by being open about my own mental health struggles. 

It has taken me a while to regain the sense of safety I need to write about... anything... publicly. 

I find it slightly irritating that this individual was able to threaten my sense of safety simply by accusing me of negatively impacting my children. I feel embarrassed that I felt unable to write publicly even after all the healing I thought I had done. 

But perhaps it shouldn't be irritating. Perhaps I should instead focus on feeling grateful for the healing I have been able to do. 

For example, if this had happened a year ago, that individual wouldn't have just stolen my ability to publicly write; they would have stolen my ability to speak with those trying to help me as well. My brain's language system would have gone mostly offline as my sense of safety was threatened, leaving me unable to communicate with those trying to help me while my brain tried to escape what it perceived as danger. 

Thankfully, those in positions to evaluate the situation were able to see through the threat to my children and my safety. The immediate threat was, temporarily, lifted, and I have been allowing myself time to recover. 

That isn't to say that more threats have not been made. But I don't want to continue feeling as though I am trapped in survival mode because of one individual's actions toward me and my family. I don’t want to give anyone that much power over my life. 

That brings us to this goal.  I am very aware that I have more work to do on my own mental health journey. While creating my latest treatment plan, I asked my trauma therapist to work with me on a goal that would allow the integration of all of myself—my personal healing, aiding in my occupational growth, and building my sense of community—into one of my therapy goals. 

Part of that goal is writing about how different coping skills are supposed to work, how they work for me personally (or don't work), and, when needed, how I might need to adjust or reword a coping skill so that my brain can use it more effectively. 

These are my own personal thoughts, experiences, and adaptations within my own journey. I am not a mental health professional, and I am not presenting my experiences as professional advice. But I am hoping that, by sharing my own journey, others who have similar struggles might find something useful to add into their own healing journey as well. smile 

The first challenge turned out to be figuring out when to use crisis-survival skills. 

The DBT Distress Tolerance materials describe a crisis as a highly stressful, short-term situation that creates intense pressure to resolve the problem immediately. Crisis-survival skills are intended for situations involving intense emotional pain or arousal, strong urges to act in ways that could make things worse, or circumstances in which we are overwhelmed but still need to function. 

They are not intended to become our reason to live, to solve every problem in our lives, or to replace longer-term problem-solving. 

That last distinction became particularly important to me. 

Last year, I was told by some mental health professionals to use distress-tolerance skills to handle an ongoing situation involving threats to my safety and my children's safety. 

During that time, I consistently felt like I was terrible at using crisis-survival skills because the coping skills were NOT working!  I felt like I was failing in what was presented as basic mental health skills after having previously being told that I was good at using coping skills effectively.  I was confused about why I seemed to have degraded so far – at least mental health wise. 

My therapist was introducing a list of skills that we would be starting with practicing, using, problem-solving personal issues that I may have, and then that I would write about... when suddenly, I had no desire to continue with the goal that I had just agreed to work towards! 

Why would I want to practice the very things that had seemed so ineffective and, at times, had actually made things feel so much worse? 

So, the plan changed a little to better address my trauma response relating to even using coping skills. 

Instead of simply writing about how to use each coping skill and whether it worked for me, we decided that I would write about a specific situation when each coping skill worked for me and when it didn't. 

Perhaps, for whatever reason, my previous mental health workers had misinterpreted my internal state and thought I was in a situation where crisis-survival skills would be helpful. 

Perhaps I was actually dealing with a situation where crisis-survival skills weren't designed to address. 

Perhaps, for whatever reason, I had incorrect expectations about the effectiveness of crisis-survival skills. 

The possibility that I was using crisis-survival skills reasonably well—but trying to apply them to situations they weren't designed to solve—is uncomfortable for several reasons. 

• I felt anger, because I was led to believe that my lack of skillfulness was the "problem." 

• I felt sadness and loneliness, because perhaps I am facing situations that very few people can relate to. 

• I felt happiness, because perhaps the challenges I have faced lately really are more intense than many other people will ever experience... I wouldn't wish these experiences on my worst enemies. 

• I felt desperation and fear, because if those previous two thoughts are correct, how am I supposed to know how to get through these challenges without losing everything? 

• I felt peace, because I fully believe: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4 And: "He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust: His truth shall be thy shield and buckler." Psalm 91:4.  I know that my God is with me through everything and that I am never walking through life completely alone. 

Ultimately what I want this series to explore is my journey of integrating coping skills in a way that makes sense to me in an effort to bring hope and community to others who, like me, might struggle with successfully using coping skills.

Not simply stating, "Here is a coping skill. Use it." 

Instead answering questions, like: 

What is this skill supposed to do? When is it supposed to be used? What happens when I use it? What can I learn about myself when it doesn't work? And what might I need to understand about myself and the situation before deciding which skill to use? 

Every month, I am hoping to have an article or two to share about my coping-skill journey. 

I hope you will join me in learning about coping skills, exploring when they may be useful in our lives, and practicing them enough that they can become easier to access when we find ourselves in difficult moments. 

Please leave comments with any questions, concerns, thoughts, or successes (or even perceived failures) from your own journey. I may not respond to every comment, but I do my best to read each one. 

And remember, every comment has the potential to encourage someone else who reads these posts, too. 

Sometimes, simply knowing that we are not alone is a huge step toward reducing the additional suffering that difficult moments can bring. 

wink

Disclaimer: 

This article reflects my personal experiences and perspectives and is not intended to provide medical, psychological, or mental health advice. I am not a licensed mental health professional. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance regarding your own circumstances. 

To protect privacy, certain identifying details may be changed, combined, or omitted. This writing is about my own experiences and personal growth and is not intended to diagnose, characterize, communicate with, or make claims about any particular person. My experiences and life are my own and exist independently of any other individual.