When I was little I questioned my faith. I was raised Greek Orthodox and one day my family was telling me the story of Jesus walking on water to save a man from drowning. Kid me then said "well if God made everyone walk on water no one would be drowning in the first place"... which honestly was a brilliant thought for a 6 year old to have. I was then yelled at because I shouldn't question or judge God. This is when my intrusive thoughts started. Because of my new fear of appearing unchristian these thoughts would pop into my head saying things like "you worship the devil" or "you're a demon". Which was really scary for 6 year old me... I wish they were like that now because the older I got, the scarier my fears became and because of that my perception of myself got worse and worse.

**Disclaimer** I am not a medical professional and am not intending to give medical advice. These are suggestions based on my own life experience as someone who has a mental illness and has checked into a mental health hospital. **Disclaimer**

I have considered taking anti-depressants before but I have always struggled of the idea of medicating myself. I think that largely stems from being gay for some reason. Coming out as gay is a huge thing, it’s about saying to the world ‘this is who I am, like it or not, this is me, and its Ok to be me’. It’s about saying who I am is OK, so it feels like a bit of a betrayal to have to acknowledge that sometimes who I am is not OK. With chronic as opposed to episodic depression, there is a chemical imbalance within your brain that can’t be chased away with happy thoughts any more than you can pep talk a diabetic pancreas into producing insulin.

Why Cyclothymia is relevant to me?

What a word, suicide. There are so many of us people who think about this time and again. I know that it has crossed my mind a few times during my life so far. I think that most just talk about it to get attention from people. The thing about it is to me it is an easy way out. I have had three friends do it and getting over it is something that is hard. The many questions like could I have done something to stop it and when it happens we feel guilty. If you have never had to deal with it you can’t imagine what it is like.

Today was day one back from holidays and it was a busy start. With 8 clients scheduled in and a phone that rang or received frequent texts for new appointment requests. I have been a Psychologist for nearly 20 years now and everyday my practice gets busier. Humans are struggling and the demand is growing.

There are many sentences and cliches you hear over and over when it comes to be a Psychologist. Oh so you can read minds then! Oh I better be careful what I say around you! Are you analysing me now? So tell me what type of person am I? Or sometimes its just a strange look that you receive as someone then quietly sneaks away. Despite the commonality of these reactions none of those reflections even come close to capturing the essence of the day to day experience of a being Psychologist.

We all seem to be in agreement: 2019 was a rough year.

Mental illness does not discriminate; people from all walks of life can be affected. Yet, different communities, like the African American community, have unique needs that are not always being met. One of the most relevant factors in why black adults are not seeking treatment is the presence of mental health stigma.

That expression, “when something is too good to be true, it usually is,” has actually been real in my life. Because of my current set of medications including Lamictal, I find myself harder to brainwash in the immediate present since I started Lamictal until now. The way brainwashing works is that the brainwasher starts off by making you feel really good. If you struggle with self-esteem like I do, then they make a huge effort to make you feel really good. This is why I’ve stared therapy at a local college yet again. I have stuff I need to sort through, skills I need to learn, and in general, I have to get my head together. Brainwashing is a repetitive phenomenon in which you are told the same things over and over again until you believe it. Some people are so used to it, they walk around unaware that they’ve been brainwashed to put up with abuse.

I don’t need to tell you that it is the seventh biggest killer in the world for you to know that it is one you would never want to get. I shouldn’t need to get into details for you to decide that any possible fate or death would be more merciful than living with this. Death is scary, but when your life is flooded by the anguish caused by dementia, many would rather choose death. I don’t blame them. Anyone that has a disease which causes the irreversible deterioration of the neurons within their brain until everything they ever loved or cared about is gone has a right to choose how long their suffering should last. Sadly, life isn't that simple.

The physical health of Europeans is improving, yet the same cannot be said for mental health. Whereas public health has been a priority, it is mostly focused on physical health and disease prevention, with mental health being secondary. Nonetheless, suicide accounts for 1.4 percent of deaths worldwide and is the second most prominent cause of death amongst young people. The act of suicide should not be considered an individual issue, but rather one that affects that person’s family, their surroundings and society in general.