Sometimes I Daydream That I Could Stop Daydreaming

My entire life I have been what most people refer to as a "dreamer." Of course, I have been referred to as several other things that were much less tame or polite too. The most painful among them being "lazy." Sadly, when I say "my entire life" I truly mean my entire life... all 46 years I've been on this planet. It was only very recently that I realized that I have severe adult ADHD.

No, a doctor did not diagnose me with ADHD. I took a total of four test online from reputable sources that all gave me the same result. Not "you have adult ADHD"... oh no... all four said "you have severe adult ADHD." Now, I know what you are thinking, because I thought it too along the way. That's why the third and fourth test that I took had nothing to sell. There was nothing attached to me taking the test or the results. No coaching, products, medication, treatments, or anything else at all. Yet, both the third and fourth test still gave me the same result as the first two. Then, when I pieced that together with the realization that a doctor did tell my mom I had ADHD when I was a preteen... along with the interviews and things that had first lead me to realize that it may be the culprit... well... I finally accepted the truth of it.

Daydreaming and My Relationship with It

Since realizing that I have severe adult ADHD, I now know that it is greatly responsible for how much I daydream, plan, and envision...without anything actually getting or giving results. However, I do not solely blame it for my situation or my daydreaming. I have no doubt that I was meant to be a daydreamer anyway. I have always been a creative person and a writer, and you really can't be either without also being a daydreamer at heart. The problem is when my brain won't let me execute those plans, daydreams, and visions that I come up with.

The worst part is that all of this has landed me in a situation and place in life where I can't afford to get the medication to treat it. The barrier itself is stopping me from getting the very thing I need to break down the barrier. Now, I'm left with a whole new level of anxiety and frustration... which of course just serves to trigger my ADHD even more... which starts the whole cycle over and over in a type of fast-forward motion towards a brick wall of life. Just one seemingly endless and monstrous cycle that keeps feeding upon itself.

It has all left me now often daydreaming, that I could stop daydreaming. It is some sort of messed up irony that taunts me daily now. Another life situation that could be solved with money and purpose... isn't that always how life goes, though? Then again, maybe that is just another part of a life lived fighting an enemy you didn't know existed until you were out of weapons to fight it. Somehow, I'm realizing that the only thing that is worse than being a failure in life and not being able to figure out what's wrong with you, is knowing exactly what is wrong with you and not being able to fix it.

Where Has This All Left Me?

I'm not going to lie, I've had a lot of very dark thoughts as of late. I see those thoughts for what they are, though. I also know that I am strong and stubborn so I have no doubt that I will eventually come out on top somehow. I have no idea when or how just yet, but I do have faith that something will get me there. It is also ironic, to me, that this discovery came not long after once again finding my faith in God and religion... and now I find myself struggling to continue holding on to it. So to sum it up... it has all left me frustrated, scared, scatter-brained, but also fighting, stubborn, while I hope for something to take root and allow me to climb out of this and get on the path I was meant to be on.