My Friend Ana

They say I'm fat

Morbidly Obese they call it

A Disease whose only actual symptom is size

It was the calories

I was told

The evil little calories

That Live inside the food

The great evil, the demon that must be destroyed

So We went to war

Against this demon

A warrior beside me

Who's name I did not know

But she offered comfort and strength

And the will to beat this evil demon Calorie

The battle though, was not going as planned

Through fastidious and compulsive journaling

I had defeated the calorie

I knew for sure, that I consumed so, so few

So I spent my years and my energy

I poured what seemed to be my whole life into this war

Only to loose

I was still very, very fat.

I gave up the battle

Decided I would rather be happy

I would rather love every inch of my fat filled skin

Than spend even one extra moment fighting this stupid Calorie Demon

Because it wasn't working

And maybe one day the doctors will figure it out

But they don't have the answers for me

Only the insistence that I eat, and eat, and eat.

When I don't

While I struggle to ingest even small portions of this demon that I fought for so long

It was only on a grippy sock vacation that I met her

The warrior who had fought beside me so valiantly

The doctor saw it so plainly for some reason

I'll never forget the moment I saw the words

All black and white and Official

In bold under other diagnoses

Anorexia Nervosa

What was I to think of this

My greatest ally

The actual diagnosis all along.

I wasn't prepared

But I knew some things

I wasn't going to fight nourishment anymore

For calories weren't the demon

But only that which was seeking to nourish my body

And my mind

Making me stronger

Not bigger

Just able to live

Calories didn't seek to destroy my soul

Or my body

Or to take what was not theirs to take

But you know what did seek to obtain the mighty dollar of my "Obesity"

The diet industry peddling food not food

The gym industry promising endless cardio will somehow make it all go poof, like the miles upon miles of running were healthy

The weight loss shakes

The diet "cleanses" that were just another form of diuretic abuse

Been there done that

Smell ya later cause this belly still doesn't work right from them

They All Serve Ana

So Ana and I broke up

I nourish myself now

My mind body, and soul

Because I'm worth it

I don't have to be smaller to be worthy

I am glorious as my morbidly obese self

And you know what?

I love that!

So until the day that the doctors have actual reasons

And can find actual problems

And actual solutions

I will sit right here

Fat, happy, and according to my very intelligent doctor

Healthy

My heart is healthy

My blood sugar is healthy

My blood pressure is healthy

They tried really hard to find health problems related to my "obesity. "

They sent me for a stress test,

Simply because I was fat.

I passed with flying colors

Because fat isn't the enemy

Ana is

The health problems I have now come from Ana

The OCD - Ana

The Colitis - Ana

The Ulcers - Ana

The Difficulty Absorbing Nutrients - Ana

The Severe Constipation - Ana

Because Ana wasn't my friend

She was the real demon all along

The real Evil one

So this fat lady will sing

right after she eats this sandwich

Because it's lunchtime

And my body needs food