Humor logo

The Cookbook for Demons and Monsters

A. H. Mittelman

By Alex H Mittelman Published 3 months ago Updated 2 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - September 2023
The Cookbook for Demons and Monsters
Photo by Katie Smith on Unsplash

Page 1

Introduction :

Welcome to the only official book that teaches demons and monsters how to cook: The Cookbook for Demons and Monsters, Culinary Adventures for Creatures of the Night. Welcome all. Except humans, you suck. Stay out. If you’re a human, stop reading now. These recipes aren’t for you!

This book is a guide specially tailored for monsters and demons seeking to satisfy their monstrous appetites with delectable dishes. In this cookbook, we will explore a variety of recipes, starting with making a delightful pizza dinner with your human friend. So, grab your cauldrons, sharpen your fangs, and let's go on a culinary adventure together!

Recipe One:

How to Make Your Human Friend a Pizza Dinner

First, you want to grab your ingredients from your dead animal and vegetable freezer:


- Pizza dough

- Tomato sauce

- Cheese (your choice, Munster cheese preferred)

- Assorted vegetables are optional, but proceed at your own risk. They can be dangerous!

- One human friend: thaw him first


1. Begin by preparing the dough. Combine flour, yeast, water, and a pinch of salt in a large mixing bowl. Knead the dough until it becomes soft and squishy, like a rotten corpse.

2. Toss the dough in the air a few times. Make sure you use your claws to catch it, if the dough hits the floor it can become contaminated with rat or snake feces from your darling pets. This step is optional but highly recommended, unless your trying to give your neighbors a disease. In that case, go for it. Just rub that dough all over your feces covered floor! I mean, who needs neighbors, right?

3. Spread a generous amount of tomato sauce all over the dough. Make sure it covers the entire surface, that way nobody notices the blood beneath.

4. Sprinkle a layer of cheese on top of the sauce. Spread the cheese slowly at first, then spread it real fast. Then slow again, just in case anybody’s watching. Safety is key!

5. You can add vegetables, but do so at your own risk. Most monsters and demons are allergic to greens. Vegetables have been known to cause tongue explosions, depression and even spontaneous combustion. You’ve been warned.

WARNING: DO NOT add pineapples to the pizza. Pineapples pose an even higher risk of tongue explosion and death. Just say no… to pineapples on pizza!

6. Grab your human friend from the freezer and allow him or her to thaw out completely. Sometimes a flamethrower will help with the thawing process.

7. Once your human friend has regained consciousness, slice a few pepperoni sized pieces from his skin. Hopefully his nerves will be dead from freezer burn, but just in case you might want to wear headphones so you don’t have to listen to them scream. Then artfully arrange the pieces on top of the pizza. The savory aroma will even entice your human friend's taste buds, and he’ll probably even want to try a slice himself when the pizzas ready!

8. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit (200 degrees Celsius). Allow it to reach the desired temperature before placing pizza.

9. Carefully place the pizza on a baking sheet or pizza stone and slide it into the oven.

10. Cook the pizza for approximately 20 minutes, or until the crust turns golden brown and the cheese melts to perfection.

11. Once the timer chimes, remove the pizza from the oven.

12. Transfer the pizza to a serving platter, and present it to all your monster and demon friends, and watch them smile with delight.

Congratulations, esteemed monster or demon! By following these simple instructions, you have successfully made your human friend a pizza dinner.

RoastWitSketchesSatiricalSatireSarcasmParodyLaughterJokesIronyHilariousGeneralFunnyCONTENT WARNINGComicReliefComedyWritingComedySpecialsComedyClubComedicTimingComedians

About the Creator

Alex H Mittelman

I love writing and just finished my first novel. I’ve been writing since I was nine. I’m on the autism spectrum but that doesn’t stop me! If you like my stories, click the heart, leave a comment and a tip! Make a pledge! Thanks! Read more!

Reader insights


Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

Top insights

  1. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

  2. Easy to read and follow

    Well-structured & engaging content

  3. Compelling and original writing

    Creative use of language & vocab

  1. On-point and relevant

    Writing reflected the title & theme

Add your insights

Comments (60)

Sign in to comment
  • Ahmed Faraz2 months ago


  • Adaeze Ukommadu2 months ago

    Good job

  • Andrew C McDonald2 months ago

    This is quite creative. Still, tell me... Do 'monsters' think of themselves as monsters? I wouldn't really think so. Lol. Let's leave that to the parapsychologists to figure out. I'm quite sure the Munsters - Herman and Lilly - will be using this recipe on Italian night. Grandpa may even get in on the act.

  • Rasma Raisters2 months ago

    You have one of the most creative minds I have had the pleasure of getting to know.

  • ABDUL RASHID 2 months ago


  • Jay Kantor2 months ago

    Dear Mr. Alex - Ah, 'Cutting Board' TOP - Who knew? ~ You're fun ~ Jay

  • Hahaha I loved that! That was really funny. Such a unique idea too. I think my favorite parts were the Munster cheese and also the part about rolling the dough around in that feces covered floor! You wrote a great one here, congrats on the well deserved top story!

  • Erin W M2 months ago

    Perfect story for Spooky Month Eve. :) Love your sense of humor. Well done!

  • Jimmy2 months ago

    This is really an interesting story, because it actually has humor!

  • Nora Ariana2 months ago

  • Prajesh Majumdar2 months ago

    fantastic dear!

  • Fay Nee2 months ago

    This story is an absolute delight, brimming with humor and making for a fantastic short read.

  • L.C. Schäfer2 months ago

    You're wrong about pineapples!

  • Colleen Millsteed 2 months ago

    Oh this is fantastic Alex. Congratulations on top story.

  • Tiffany Gordon 2 months ago

    So clever & amusing! Great job Alex! Also, Congrats on your TOP STORY!!

  • Sugan Ya 2 months ago

    Nice recipe, but knowing that it's not for us makes me sad🙁... lol😃. Congratulations on your recipe, TS.

  • Tressa Rose2 months ago

    Congrats on top story!! Good job!

  • cookfavor2 months ago

    your ultimate destination for all things culinary! Our website is a haven for food enthusiasts, aspiring chefs, and seasoned cooks alike. Whether you're a beginner looking to learn the basics or a seasoned pro searching for new recipe inspirations, we've got you covered. Let us take you on a journey of flavors, techniques, and delightful experiences in the world of cooking. [url=""]cookfavor[/url] <a href="">cookfavor</a>

  • Celia in Underland2 months ago

    Hillarious! Loved this! Congrats on top story also!

  • Annie Kapur2 months ago

    Ah brilliant! Congrats on the top story!

  • Kel2 months ago

    I've shared your recipe with my sleep paralysis demon, he seems to like it a lot! Great concept, love this.

  • Naveed2 months ago

    Congratulations Alex

  • Walterego2 months ago


Find us on social media

Miscellaneous links

  • Explore
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Use
  • Support

© 2023 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.