New Faux News, Inc 5/5/23

New Faux News, Inc

A global news organizan hell bent on finding out the truth… at any cost!

Headline:

Religious Wackos Disappear, Global IQ Surges! Humanity Reclaims Brilliance, Compassion, and a Sense of Humor!

A.H. Mittelman

In a bizarre turn of events that left the world bewildered and filled with relief, religious wackos from all corners of the globe mysteriously vanished overnight. The consequences, however, were anything but dire. In fact, the disappearance of these creepy fervent fanatics seemed to trigger an unprecedented surge in global intelligence, as if a collective cloud of ignorance, simple minded stupidity and confusion had finally lifted.

“I can finally think for myself without the fear of someone shouting at me that I’ll burn in hell,” says Cynthia Browning, a college professor and part time doctor.

“Now, when I tell people the earth is round, they actually believe me. Before, people would show me a map and say, ‘if the map is flat it’s because the earth is flat. I would know because I’ve seen a lot of maps,” Says astronaut and American hero Bobby McGee, who’s seen earth from space twenty six times.

“The world is a lot more peaceful, most wars have ended, and most people accept each other now without hateful judgement,” says psychiatrist Dr. Bob Farguthe.

From the moment news of their vanishing broke, the world witnessed an astonishing transformation. Intellectual curiosity resurfaced, as people who had previously been preoccupied with supernatural Bible tales like people being able to survive in a whale, walk on water, survive on a boat with two of every animal in existence, magically come back to life, hearing a magical talking snake tell them to eat an apple, talking to a burning bush and hearing it respond, and other such nonsense that’s nothing more then mythical prophecies suddenly found themselves captivated by scientific breakthroughs, literature, and art. Libraries overflowed with eager readers ready to devour knowledge, while museums experienced an uptake of visitors wanting to learn about all the wonderful artifacts.

Academic institutions worldwide were astounded by the sudden surge in IQ scores. Students who had previously struggled to grasp basic concepts suddenly found themselves mastering complex equations and theories with ease. Professors were left scratching their heads, wondering if the disappearance of the religious wackos had somehow unlocked the hidden genius within humanity.

“I mean, it makes sense when you think about it. Religious wackos believe whatever they hear from other religious wackos. If they’re all gone, only the educated are left, and educated people don’t believe what you tell them without sources or proof or evidence. Society is better now,” says Anthropology Profesor Lee Galeforce.

The world is witnessing an astonishing cultural shift. Compassion, once overshadowed by religious intolerance, is flourishing like never before. Former adversaries set aside their differences and are now embracing empathy and understanding. Societies that had been riddled with prejudice and bigotry now celebrated diversity and inclusivity, recognizing the inherent worth of every individual.

“People are no longer afraid of me just because I’m a guy who married a guy and had a sex change,” says Jeff Balgarfield, esq, a lawyer and currently the happiest man alive.

“I can yell I love shiny things at a jewelry store while beating my chest like a gorilla and there’s no religious people there telling me to go to hell. Now there’s just security asking me to leave before they escort me out of the store by force,” says John Flintlighter, profession unknown.

But perhaps the most unexpected outcome of this extraordinary event was the revival of humor. Laughter, once stifled by rigid religious doctrines and hypersensitivity, echoed through the streets and filled the air. Comedians emerged from everywhere, writing comedy and performing in every corner of the world. People are now fearlessly poking fun at the absurdities of life without fear of retribution. Satire flourished, reminding the world that a good joke could bridge the widest gaps and heal the deepest wounds.

Skeptics and atheists, once branded as heretics and outcasts, were no longer silenced. Rational discussions replaced fiery debates, contributing to a collective enlightenment that transcended cultural, religious, and geographical boundaries. People began to embrace the beauty of critical thinking, finding comfort and happiness in truth, facts and science rather than clinging to unfounded beliefs in invisible deities and a strange god that lives in the sky and hasn’t been seen or heard from in thousands of years, if they were ever seen or heard from in the first place.

As the world continues to go on and be happy and a lot smarter without religion, one question on everyone's mind remains: What exactly happened to the religious wackos? Some theorized that they had been whisked away by extraterrestrial beings who sought to enlighten humanity. Others whispered about a secret organization that had devised a master plan to rid the world of fanaticism overnight. I personally think they all moved into a cave and the cave collapsed, crushing them all to pieces. Regardless of the truth, the world could not help but appreciate the remarkable changes that have occurred. We couldn’t ask for a better outcome!

Let’s all be grateful that the disappearance of religious wackos has unleashed a new wave of intelligence and tolerance that hasn’t been seen since before religion existed, and it will forever reshape the course of human history and change society for the better.

I know I’m grateful! Hail science!

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