Messed Up Systems

So in some of my books I'm in the middle of writing, there is some discussion about religion and deconstruction as I've seen this come up a few times over my social media since last year and I thought it was actually really interesting and thought-provoking discussion and wanted to include it in my novel and this is written from one of the perspectives of either the MC or someone the MC is talking to about this discussion, something they wrote out to vent out what they were trying to explain, cause this is an interesting discussion, especially as someone who used to be a Christian, raised one, I found this thought-provoking about people's different experiences. The personal details about the character were made up, though drew inspiration from a couple personal stories of mine to try and capture the emotions properly and also based off of some general points made in the actual debate I saw. Not trying to start an argument or offend anyone, just sharing an excerpt from a novel I'm working on about a topic that I find very thought-provoking and cause it's an interesting topic and kinda relevant in some ways. you can believe what you want, just remember that everyone's experiences is different and just cause they've left and no longer believe doesn't mean that they weren't an actual believer or haven't looked deep enough into the Bible and God, cause sometimes, when they do do that, what they see might not be what you believe, and that's valid, it's not the peaceful wonderous thing for everyone and there are some points to be aware of. Anyway, hope you enjoy, and remember this is just part of a fictitious piece of work, this is not aimed at anyone on here personally at all, and I apologize if triggers anything, please take care and look after yourself. Discussions are more than welcome around this, just please be respectful and aware of everyone around you :)

~

TRIGGER WARNING:

Discussions around religion, abuse, religious trauma, spiritual abuse, neglect, deconstruction (as while that's right from some people, it can still be hard and traumatizing, especially if they grew up in the God and religion they were raised to follow), etc.

-

-

-

-

-

--

-

--

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"But it's not real..."

That's what people say when leaving a religion. It helps them keep calm and bring peace, cause they looked at the horrors and harms under the theology from the god. They looked at the evidence and concluded there's no logical way someone they couldn't see or hear actually existed, and to plead their lives to someone who didn't seem to exist was futile, logically was just insane, especially one that's meant to be loving and let's as much death, pain, suffering and abuse happen.

And good for them.

I really wish I could look back and say it was just a fairy tale that's taken over so many adults and children's lives. It would give me so much peace for myself.

But for me, I can't. And it's worse.

I look at the stories and evidence and see that the Divine Being, the Supernatural, is real. I've had experiences that say there's something, experiences that are very scary and personal and not in the mood to explain cause I'm not here to convert, just to vent about this whole stupid situation. And I believe that each religion looks at it and interprets it to their individual understanding and beliefs, which is fair enough, when it's JUST for themselves as an individual.

I believe that the divine being may be there, but it also comes with the understanding that he abandoned me. He has and does abandon so many other innocent people, which is what made me take another look at the religion I was raised in since birth before realizing that I had also been betrayed, which was a harrowing fact to accept and took so long to come to terms with and I can't unsee it now. And that, along with the fact that others have been abandoned, brought everything shattering down in a thundering tsunami, cause how could one be expected to worship someone who does that and yet is portrayed as the most innocent and loving and sunshine and roses thing there is?

"Oh, but he doesn't abandon His Children"

But he did and still does

"You just didn't pray hard enough, you just didn't accept His help or weren't aware"

...You really think I, from six to seventeen, be crying and begging for His help while being starved, molested, kept prisoner, abused mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, beaten on numerous occasions to the point where I was suicidal and self-harming, unable to run away from my abuser cause I knew that he would find me, he had already mentally manipulated me to be too guilty to leave anyway, with such anxiety and depressional problems after that and so many other issues would just go "Nah, I'm good thanks" if He actually responded? He's a god isn't he? He would've known how to get my attention cause I wasn't ignoring him, I was desperately searching for him, my heart and eyes were open cause I was DEDICATED to him, you see! Same for everyone else that was abandoned.

"He didn't like what was being done to you and others, he was so angry at that"

Then why didn't he do anything? He's meant to be all powerful and all loving, so with ignoring and enabling this to happen, he can't be all powerful and all loving, he's either all powerful and evil cause he's enabling all of this under the guise of "free choice" or he's all loving but doesn't have the power to stop this and logically neither version is exactly ideal and definitely not any version that's worth worshipping.

"Well, then he obviously had plans for you that required all that"

Yeah, if so, if his plans for a person involve kids getting cancer, people being abused, going homeless, starving, war, people being sexually abused, he can go fuck himself with a cactus right up his ass. Cause think about it, what plans could possibly be so special that would require a 6 year old to be molested by their father and others and just let it happen? What plans could involve a baby dying so soon after being born, a kid getting cancer? And all other kinds of trauma causing suffering in this life?? That's fucked and a bloody cop out, tell me off all you want for my swearing, but it's justified.

"You can't question Him"

That's toxic. We have every right, and if he's threatened by that so much, that says a lot of negative things about him

"You're just hurt and angry"

I wonder why. The God I was taught since I was a baby that would love and protect me left me to be horrifically abused, along with so many others. It doesn't invalidate my experiences and my realizations of this fucked up religious system to be angry, it's a natural reaction. It doesn't invalidate how I've chosen to heal from my trauma, how I've chosen to not follow and worship the being that enabled my suffering, it actually makes my choices more valid. You wouldn't put up with a human that's enabling and causing suffering and abuse for you, so why allow it in this case just cause it's disguised under religion and love? If someone, including a holy being, is unavailable to my genuine needs, they don't deserve my attention.

"It was the people that hurt you, not god"

Convenient how whenever it's something bad, it can't be god, but when it's something good, it's all god. He still hid and ignored what was happening, making him just as much responsible and accountable as the humans responsible. And a religion being this psychologically messed up with the questionable things in theology it kinda seems to have origins and causes from the source itself, the God, logically.

"You're just trying to make a crazy point"

You and others are just refusing to leave me alone, convince me that an abuse enabler is okay and I should come back, so I'll keep repeating this every time. I try and ignore it, but it's very hard to ignore and I'm allowed to respond and make a necessary point cause this is an issue I see in a lot of christians. And you're the one that brought this up to me, remember

"You must not have known Jesus"

I fucking did! I strove SO FUCKING HARD to worship and follow him, to be a good and faithful servant, have a personal relationship, I was so devout. After I escaped from my human abuser, cause I was so devout, I still followed him and even went to church and interacted with other forms of the religion, alright? Cause I still believed it was worth it, and I decided to look deeper to get closer and that's when I started actually seeing all of this. So when I say I've left, I've left.for. good! I knew him in so many ways, that's why I left cause I saw a lot of things looking closer.

Let me ask you, why does it scare you? Why do you act like it threatens you when you hear that someone has chosen to leave? It wasn't out of spite, it was thoroughly thought out and heavily prayed over for many, many months, lots of bible reading and soul seeking, it was for my mental health and safety, which is the same for a lot of other people. Isn't mental health and safety important, even if it's not in a method you disagree with? You may believe it's the good truth to believe in the gospel and all that, but that's the case JUST FOR YOU. My case is different and y'all need to understand and leave me alone. And if you're right and I go to hell, I'd happily go there, cause there ain't no way going to be with god, cause he'll have to answer to a lot of shit and have to beg not only mine, but millions of other people's forgiveness as well.