Past lives, alternate universes and the paranormal

This is an excerpt from a supernatural horror novel I'm working on, but also a little personal for me as well. Please proceed with caution, read the trigger warning and do what you will with that. Please above all stay hydrated and take care of yourselves. If you choose to read this, hope you enjoy and feel free to ask whatever questions you wish, provided they're genuine and respectful :)

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TRIGGER WARNING: Religion, various trauma and abuse discussion, supernatural experiences, mental health discussions and mentions of therapy.

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I was raised Christian from birth, the Bible is the firm foundation of earth, us as humans and our past present and future cause the Bible said so, God was authority no matter what and no questioning it, Jesus was lord and importance on faith that something we couldn't see, hear or feel was there to devote our lives, morals and wellbeing to.

Anyone that didn't believe in God and follow Him was lost, but more to the point, anything that wasn't of God, wasn't done in worship of him, and had magic or anything "unbiblical" was evil, abhorrent and demonic. There was always a spiritual battle.

Now, I've left Christianity after delving deeper into their lore to strengthen my faith and grow closer to God, and I don't believe in God(s) in any religion, certainly not Jesus, but I believe that there are different spirits and entities out there, just maybe not gods in the sense Christianity and other religions talk about. I use the words demons and angels as that's what I was raised on and I'm unsure of other words for it.

The reason I believe that there is something is cause of many experiences I had as a kid, teenager and occasionally still do (though haven't in a while) as an adult that I can only describe as supernatural of a sort? There's definitely good, bad and grey out there in the spirit world.

But does the spirit world actually exist? Or is it a product of my imagination, a sign of a mental illness or stunt in growth somewhere, as I was abused heavily growing up and it has certainly impacted my development as a human being in how I would see the world, a big factor in that abuse and harm I have found has been religion, hence why I classified these experiences as supernatural, partially because of my religious upbringing.

But as I no longer associate with religion, that has come with the reevaluation and assessment of my apparent supernatural experiences.

Hearing noises like doors closing when no door was closed, banging on the walls around me when I was the only person in the room and I wasn't touching the walls, whispers and the voices of my family calling out to me when they weren't in the house.

My siblings claiming they would see things "dark" as they described it, in the shape of hands or figures near me, coming at me. Sometimes it would be around them, too, but I didn't know about that until later.

I would see things - out of the corner of my eye, just a shadow. But sometimes I would see full on aparitions, silhouettes, even full on faces and figures that I could describe in good detail as they were right in my face. Usually at night, but they would come and appear to me during the day.

One time at night I was up, wide awake, heading back to bed from going to the toilet, and I heard footsteps behind me. I thought it was my Mum, so called out "Mum?" and the footsteps just froze. Dead silence. It was eerie with how sudden that pause was.

And then the footsteps were running.

And running.

Getting louder and faster.

From the darkness that was surrounding me.

Coming straight for me.

So I screamed, ran to my room and hid under the covers.

That happened only one more time after that, but many years later when me and my family had moved to another house, I was up going to the toilet. Was washing my hands, and the way the sink was situated, you had to wash your hands with your back to the hallway, which was dark as no lights other than the toilet light were allowed on at night.

Suddenly felt a presence behind me.

Then footsteps.

Running

Getting faster

Coming right for me.

Sounding exactly like they did that time when I was a kid.

I whirled around and slammed the door shut, locking it tight.

I had managed to get a look out into the hallway before the door shut, and there was no-one out there, but I could hear the running footsteps.

And I could still hear them when the door was locked, run right up to right outside the door and then stop, falling silent as hell.

I hid in that bathroom for a good hour or so before I dared venture out to go back to bed cause the bathroom was not comfortable enough to sleep in.

The sounds of those running footsteps coming from the darkness when there was no-one there still haunts me to this day. I can still hear those sounds and feel that same raw fear as if it's happening to me again right now.

There are more bad experiences, but I prefer not to get into those.

There has been one good one - which is something lying down in bed next to me, and it felt peaceful, like everything was okay.

And then there's weird dreams.

At least I think they're dreams. In some it felt like I was being beaten by these entities that were harrassing me during the day. I thought it was just a nightmare, but I would have weird marks and bruises on my body in weird places a couple times afterwards, and I hadn't rolled out of bed or anything. Some of the dreams, I'd wake up...but those...disgusting things they were doing would still be happening...and this time I could catch a glimpse of them...

Some of those dreams felt like I was traveling to another world...it looked like this one, but...it wasn't, there was something different about it. And those entities would be there. Some of those times, there'd be those odd signs on my body that maybe it wasn't a dream.

Idk

Am I allowed to believe that something may be there supernaturally even if I'm no longer a part of religion?

Or could it be that I have some serious mental problems and that it was a weird fantasy pipe dream that I made up as a kid to escape a really abusive home?

But according to my brain and body, it's like it was real, as my body still retains those memories or perceived memories as fact, as actual real life experienced trauma. It's left me with intense paranoia about sleeping alone, having the lights off, wandering around after dark. Is what I'm seeing and experiencing actually real or am I wandering around in a haze, dream?

It's left me with a lot of fear and issues regarding intimacy due to where those weird marks were...though a relative was doing weird things in that regard during the day sometimes, so...idk.

As I was raised religious, I believed these entities were demons. And maybe they are, I don't know the proper name. I was taught it was because I was doing something that attracted them, that I was failing God and no matter how much I cried out to Him and tried my utmost to serve him and cleanse myself from a young age of my sin, it still continued and got worse, so I was left with intense feelings of despair and worthlessness, that I was a failure, I had let down God, I was responsible for all of this. I had an intense fear of Hell, hyper vigilant and over analyzing my actions and thoughts, terrified of myself, would wake up feeling extremely hot, like I was on fire cause I was having really bad nightmares of hell and burning and that Satan was after me.

So, are those entities demons? Or something else? Was it all just in my head, some weird byproduct of my of this world experiences and abuse and I need some good long therapy sessions? Or could there actually be something out there in the spiritual realm of sorts and those years of those torment and abuse that lead to and acerbated some pre-existing things like my depression, anxiety and paranoia, sexual trauma, religious trauma and abuse and all that were actually real like my brain and body retain it as such? Cause to those parts of me, it was very, very real, like some sort of supernatural abuse, I guess? Could it be some weird past lives/alternate universe deal? Does the spiritual really exist?

Or do I just need a counsellor?