Escape from Oblivion

What is oblivion?

the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening.

“They drank themselves into oblivion”

Synonyms: unconsciousness, stupor, senselessness, blankness, darkness.

Quite some time removed from what I consider to be one of the biggest decisions I’ve made in my adulthood. This isn’t to condemn anyone or reopen any old wounds, but to simply take it all in and truly understand where I’ve arrived at this point in time. Long gone are the days of writing out of anger. My growth and faith have progressed me far beyond the inner conflict that would keep me awake or staring down the barrel of another bottle. I’m not whole. Probably won’t ever be. But I can take solace in knowing that I don’t have to have all the answers today, or even by tomorrow. I can live and learn because experience is by far the best mentor.

I still struggle with accepting things as they are. When is the right time to push? When is it best to leave things as is? How do I know something is meant to be versus working harder for it? I wake up every morning and the first thing that comes to mind is this:

“Dear God, what is my purpose and how the f**k do I get there?”

I’m a person who can accept spontaneity and let the pieces fall where they may in the constructs of personal matters such as the heart, relationships, adventure, etc. But business, education, the pursuit of knowledge, career? Those things need direction. I can’t stand to not know what lies ahead with those avenues because they do have a drastic significance when it comes to my pursuit of happiness. A lot of my desires remain the same from previous posts if you’ve kept up with me over time. But the way in which they are obtained has changed. I want to see the world. Period. And that may mean other things I once placed a higher priority on will take a backseat because too often, I place others’ desires and needs above my own. Deep down, there’s a kid inside of me still growing and learning how to be a kid while the adult has to coexist and take care of the day-to-day functions. It’s the best way to explain the clash of impulsivity and rationale that I find myself constantly struggling with. Maybe I grew up too fast as a child. Maybe I was so responsible that it is hampering me now. I will admit that I wasn’t curious enough, or adventurous enough in my youth, but it wasn’t for lack of desire, just due to a lack of inspiration or excess guilt that maybe doing something that benefited only me was taboo. Maybe it was fear that messing up would be so costly for those that would have to help me clean the mess up. Or maybe it would have been too large of a mess to overcome alone. Embracing my inner child scares me. It absolutely terrifies me because I don’t know where it will take me. Could it lead down a path of destruction that I wouldn’t be able to clean up as an adult? Or can I find a way to satisfy both the child and the adult while still being productive and maintaining the minimum? I don’t fucking know but I’m definitely going to try my best to navigate these murky waters. No clear direction, but my professional opinion is to just live and see where it goes. Lean on my support system and pray that God gives them the strength to hold me up in the weakest moments.

I pray regularly that God helps me with my desire to be alone. It can be damaging. But it’s so comforting to just keep EVERYONE at an arm’s length away. ALWAYS keep that guard up. It’s easier to withdraw and check out when no one is truly that close. I’m not pleasant in those times where I want to be secluded. Removed. But that’s not a way to function if I ever truly hope to have that family that I so covet. I’ve so often found peace in my own space and thoughts and that makes it hard for me to understand dependency on people. I simply chalk it up to just be introverted and desiring that isolation when I’m in over my head (which probably happens about three times every month lol) but I’d even advise someone to reach out to their closest people to help them get through those times, but me? I wouldn’t take my own advice if my life counted on it. (Yall may want to quit seeking my opinion/advice after that last one lol) too often, I need that quiet place located in the back of my mind, where I’m totally disconnected from all external sources, and I just ponder and reflect on what is, and what can be. I’d liken it to casually drifting through space in absolute silence and just bypassing my thoughts, fears, and desires, past everything that clouds my mind. I’m sure I do this due to fear of someone, not understanding. I’m not so complex that someone wouldn’t understand, but that’s another level of vulnerability that my inner child isn’t okay with and I can’t bear to feel that bare.

Someone recently asked me what I felt I was meant to do in life. What is my destiny? My calling? And I didn’t have a concrete answer, but my thought did seem to have a direction. I’m a helper. Not a savior. There’s a difference. I won’t be there as your knight in shining armor, but I will be there as your comrade in battle. I will not build it for you, but I will help you acquire the tools and essentials needed to obtain what you desire. I don’t want to be confined to customer service in the traditional sense. I don’t want my role in life to be simply limited to that of working a shift and assisting people with menial tasks and receiving compensation based on the time committed to those services. I can do so much more and I feel it every waking moment I’m not pursuing my own dreams. I take pride in helping someone do something they once thought was impossible. I believe that is a gift God blessed me with early in life and I’ve always exercised this gift, but maybe I’m not doing it correctly. We all have a superpower, and some of us will spend an entire lifetime searching for that gift that we exhibit and exploit day in and day out. Maybe my 20s were meant for self-discovery and taking care of this inner child before I arrive where God truly wants me to be. Because I can’t fully begin to help someone when I still have so many inadequacies.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve had a post, I apologize to you all but thank you so much for sticking with me on this journey. As always, I appreciate the support and I appreciate the FEEDBACK even more! I love y’all, peace be with you on each of your journeys.