Unhinged.

1/11/21

God.

If you are there, please answer me. WHY? Why me? Why all this? Why so much struggle, setback, confusion, turmoil? I have faith in YOU. Not man. But I trust man and give man the benefit of the doubt. Man’s failure does not make me doubt YOU, but it does make me dislike man more and doubt what path I am on. I am sick and tired of doing things the right way. I’m sick of watching others make it on luck and circumstance. I take no pride in knowing that I’m staying the course despite the difficulties. I tell myself it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world. IT’S NOT THE END OF THE GODDAMN FUCKING WORLD. I’m sick of being strong. I’m sick of struggling. I’m sick of this life. I’m sick of the hurt, the pain, the hopelessness, the endless optimism. I no longer want to see past the current struggles. Sometimes I do wish my days were numbered just so I could no longer be a coward and take the risks I need to. I’m a coward. That’s the problem. I hold my tongue. I let others manipulate me with the same sad song and dance that I so desperately wish to escape. I’m sick of being misunderstood and alone in my struggles. My burdens are all my own while I shoulder others and provide relief. I miss people that can’t help the situation but just being able to call and say hey, life sucks, and that person tell me that it’s going to be ok without possibly knowing that and make it sound so convincing, I want that. I don’t have that. The strong can become weakened over time. I’ve been beaten and battered by life and I still have so much life to live. So much left to give. But I don’t see how I can possibly do that. No, it's not as simple as my material possessions. It’s not as simple as feeling used up. It’s not as simple as feeling like the whole world is thriving and I’m stuck in neutral. It’s not as simple as feeling like I’m not allowed to have a bad day, week, or month. I want to be in a hole. With no light. And just my thoughts. I want to be filled with my own sorrow and anger and resentment and not feel like a burden because I’m not at my best. The light I used to feel within is all but a faint glimmer. I don’t feel the joy I once did. Fuck a pandemic. Fuck quarantine. Fuck getting older. Life has been a struggle since day one and not one moment have, I ever felt like things were looking up. I just decided to drown the pain and the noise with distractions. Maybe my goals are mere distractions from my fate. Maybe I’m destined to live in mediocrity and be eternally miserable. What if this is my hell? What if I’m merely doomed to live this life until I choose to no longer live it? What if I’m cursed with seeing everyone else around me pursue happiness and I’m simply meant to assist them on their journey? What if my time was never meant to be this long? What if my journey were meant to end years ago and I’m just overstaying my welcome? This world isn’t meant for me and it grows increasingly frustrating trying to make sense of how I am supposed to achieve my desires if they don’t make sense in this reality? I’m rambling. I’m near the edge. I can’t make much sense of anything right now other than I’m supposed to be working BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I WORKING FOR? I’m so fucking sick and tired of seeing the glass half full when it’s fucking empty. Help is not on the way. It’s up to me to be my own superman. Always has been. I want to indulge all my desires. Instant gratification. This is not a plea for help, it’s a declaration. I can’t be what the world needs me to be because I don’t want to do that anymore. I can’t be a great friend, son, brother, decent person because I am drained of all that comes with it. I’m empty. My soul needs nourishment and my body needs vitality. I feel darkness surrounding me and maybe it’s time to embrace it. None of this is making me feel better. These are carnal emotions and indulging them has not provided any relief. I feel hatred. Resentment. Annoyance. Bitterness. Rage.

When I close my eyes, I see black. I feel the pulse lessening, getting closer to normal. The heat on my face is slowly residing. My eyes no longer hurt. My breathing has relaxed. I feel my jaw unclench. Shoulders no longer tense. Returning to a state of normal operating and functioning, further from the edge. There’s still a sharpness I feel in my demeanor. I don’t feel as if I can converse without losing my temper at the moment. It’s not anyone’s fault, but I don’t feel that I can carry on without projecting that energy. It’s much safer and easier to shut everyone else out while I find a way to cope with my anger and disappointment.

This is what I’m used to. This is what I expect. This is what's comfortable.