What strength is...

I haven't been writing lately ... or editing... or really anything to do with my business because my plate has been very full with much more important matters: decisions and issues relating to my children.

But, I recently had a new worker come into my home who needed to get to know about me and my life to better know what needs done to help me with some on going issues. (That is a long story.... for perhaps another day.)

I was nervous about meeting someone new and did some work to straighten up a bookcase that had been bothering my for weeks. It didn't need much: a few outgrown clothes to be boxed up; the kid's library shelf needed books replaced neatly instead of the haphazard fashion that 3 and 5 years put them away in; a few papers that needed to be filed out and returned - or simply filed and I hadn't done that quite yet; and a few miscellaneous items put up out of reach of the little's in the moment before life got crazy busy again.

I straightened it until it seemed to be perfect for my little family... and then the tears came along with a panic attack. The voices in my head of memories of things people said to me got louder and louder (and no, I'm not talking about my schizophrenic voices, I am talking about reliving memories from PTSD).

"No one will believe that you are that clean."

"You are just pretending to be perfect."

"Keeping things that clean is completely unobtainable."

"You are OCD."

"If you want your house to actually look clean, get rid of all of those books - no one needs that many books."

"You are just trying to make me look bad with you being little miss perfect."

"Everyone knows that you are a fake."

I couldn't stop the words to my Mom: "Let's just put it all back. It all needs to be put back."

No! Was her exclaimed answer after I had sat and organized the books for the last hour - not to mention the time dealing with the other items. "Isn't it the way you wanted it?"

"Well... yes... but it makes someone I care for so angry if it looks nice."

I hated the way that made me feel. I hated myself for giving up my happiness and contentment in my own home to keep someone else from being mad at me.

And, unfortunately, I think that it is common of human nature.

Whether it is your child: "Ewww... what are you wearing?! Don't come pick me up looking like that!"

Whether it is your spouse: "No one else minds the sink full of dishes - stop being so dramatic, I'll get to them later."

Whether it is your friend: "Did you seriously think tulips and lilies looked good together?!"

Whether it is your boss: "No one else does it that way, get over yourself."

Even comments on the internet seem to sway us...

I had just thought that I had gotten strong enough to do it my unconventional way anyway... and now? I wanted to undo it and cave to someone else's way of thinking who wasn't even in my life anymore!

Don't worry, the bookcase stayed put together the way I love it.

I just learned a very important lesson. It isn't the absence of caring or hurting when someone criticizes you that makes you strong. It is the doing what you want to do and what you believe is right REGARDLESS of the emotions of pain that other's made you feel.

Sometimes life just hurts. And what makes you a strong warrior is how you choose to face it head on instead of caving to other's whims.

You only have one life. Live it for yourself and for your God.

And remember that everyone else only lives for themselves and their God too... so parents - stop trying to live again through your kids! They have their own journey too! ;-)