Random Thoughts

I am alone in the darkness, scared of the future...

I never seem able to stand alone and always shaking in fear when anyone asks anything of me, just a scared little rabbit...

Or at least that is what they say.

When I am not being female doggish or needy or tearful or manipulative.

I always seem to do something wrong and then cause other's to wonder what they did.

I don't know how to explain that I am here and reliving memories of a life long past. I don't know how to explain that I have no idea why anyone would care. I don't know how to explain without writing as my voice keeps catching in my throat, refusing to say that it wasn't/isn't you... it's me.

And I am messed up sometimes. I breathe... reminding myself that I am safe. I feel the warmth of the little boy who rarely hugs me as he says that it'll be better tomorrow before he vanishes silently up the stairs back to bed. I hope that means that I am doing something right at least.

I hear the wind and shiver... wind is dangerous, dangerous like my feelings. Emotions that I can't control and sometimes can't understand.

I want to be this strong woman and prove the voices from my past... the darkness... wrong. PTSD keeps rearing it's ugly head though and I'm not gonna lie, I am a bit scared of what it can do to me.

I take my medication ... control the anxiety, but the memories keep coming. This was my own doing... my own fault. Wanting friendships... friends ask questions, friends make you think...

I went to a support group and reminded myself why I don't like groups. A few people acted like I am just looking for a quick fix to fix holes in my life instead of figuring out how to not be afraid of everything. I am not simply scared of everything, nor am I just trying to fill holes in my life. My life is completely fine.... okay... mostly fine. My social worker, therapist, mental health workers, mom, etc just seem to think that living in my own little bubble is not healthy and that everyone needs companionship. And something about trying to find people who are not twice my age to relate to... *sigh*

I don't want to depend on anyone else. People fail you. People tell you that you are things that you aren't: easy, a pushover, a bully, needy, too independent, too hard to get to know, selfish, too caring... how in the world can I be ALL of those things at once?! I seem to be impossible.

I am a child of God.

I do my best to love deeply, purely... and try to resist the urge to slam the door on my heart to keep it from aching with the pain of this world. But if I did that, I'm afraid that I would turn dark and uncaring as I hid my light from everyone.

I think of the sign I saw today... patience isn't just how long you wait, it is how you act while you are waiting. I take patience. Sometimes a lot of it. I am scared of getting yelled at, cussed at, or worse... maybe I need to have more patience for myself?

I wonder what my friends see in me. I wonder why people occasionally look at me funny and say that I am too good for this world and that I can't be this good after everything I have experienced.

Other people have had it worse... and come out stronger than I seem to be.

I share my story and people ask how? How did you get through it? I was never alone. I am still not alone. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil... for Your rod and staff comfort me." Not an exact quote, but I hope close enough for tonight.

There are 21 stones and a heart on my new bracelet. A bracelet I own out of gemstones because I believe that God made them to help. A bracelet that I wear even though other Christians frown that I am practicing witch-craft or some such drama. I am not a witch... and pardon me while a momentary flame of anger appears... if wearing gemstones was witchcraft, then Jesus (a Jew and the first Christian) was a follower of witchcraft if you've ever taken the time to read Exodus 28:15-21 and know that the High Priest wore stones to go in and speak with God. And I'm sorry to say, but you aren't gonna be pleased to find out what the heavenly city is built upon in Revelation 21. God gave us gemstones. God gave us plants. God gave us everything we would need. It's only witch craft if you don't thank the One who gave it to us for our use and pleasure!

Who am I?

A child of God that regularly breaks every box people try to put me in. I don't fit in anywhere it seems. But maybe that is exactly who I am supposed to be? Maybe I am meant to be one of those who walk into people's lives... and walk out... an old soul they call me.

An old soul that desperately wants to be loved for herself... all of it... instead of feeling like she can only share part of herself at any given time. But maybe only God can handle that.

Aurora, my service miniature horse, says that it is past time for bed. I have to be up and moving before the morning sun. No one is gonna do all the things for me... and I don't want them too. But I'm also not gonna lie that I'm not entirely sure that I want to get up in the morning and try again. Trying... failing... trying... succeeding... trying... and trying... and yet, I know I will.

Because you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and trust God as you walk out into the unknown day-by-day. Matthew 14:28-31 He will be there to catch me as I fall... and catch you too. :-)