Self-Directed Anger Has to Go

A key feature of an unhealthy mindset is (sometimes self-placed) restrictions on one's life.

In my own case, this showed up as chronic/invisible illnesses, abuse/trauma, CPTSD, anxiety, etc.

Nonetheless, they can crop up in many forms, paralyzing your life. This leads to feelings of anger and helplessness-often directed at oneself.

This mindset has got to go in order to begin healing and living life peacefully and to the fullest.

A central aspect chronic illness is the limitations it places on your life. Things that once came easily now require extreme effort-if vou can do them at all.

Personally, I have a history of illness, severe trauma, and abuse. Unfortunately, things like this don't "stay in their lane."

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A central aspect chronic illness is the limitations it places on your life. Things that once came easily now require extreme effort-if you can do them at all.

Personally, I have a history of illness, severe trauma, and abuse. Unfortunately, things like this don't "stay in their lane."

Abuse and (C) PTSD leak into other aspects of your life. They leak into all aspects of your life.

So when I begin to have extreme health issues- the kind that placed severe restrictions on my life-my abuse kicked in.

I blamed myself.

I felt like my illness was my fault, a punishment of some sort. For what, I couldn't say.

I had endured so much parental abuse, church abuse/religious trauma, etc. that it felt like there was a legion of options to blame.

Facing any authority felt like they were looking down their nose at me: disappointed, disgusted, and overall unimpressed with my inability to "keep my body in check."

Doctors couldn't cure me-couldn't even find what was wrong. This felt like my fault too.

Was I not conveying it well enough? Was I being dramatic? Did I mess something up that prevented them from figuring it out?

Thanks to my abuse and trauma, I doubted everything about my situation to the point I couldn't trust my own perception.

But each person has their own illness/ trauma story behind their self-directed anger. Nonetheless, the outcome is the same.

As a result of my abuse, I redirected all my anger at myself.

This held me back from healing. I was continuing the cycle -everything felt like my fault.

As my therapist so wisely put it:

You're acting like your sickness is something you're doing to others, not something being done to you.

I was taken aback. I had felt like it was my responsibility, my failure. But I was the victim of something outside of my control.

It opened me to compassion for myself-both now and as a child.

Of course, this didn't fix everything. It didn't overhaul my mindset or cure me of all my issues.

But it was the beginning of seeing myself in a new light. Of having self love and compassion, forgiveness, and grace.

Rather than seeing myself through judgement, I was able to see reality: a girl (now woman) struggling to cope and survive with the cards she's been given.

With all the things I have been struggling with (illness, CPTSD, etc) I didn't need to add unnecessary self-hatred to the list.

Anger at myself and my illness was holding me back from other types of healing

This rocked my world. My illnesses (both mental and physical) were things being done to me. I was the victim. I was the one suffering.

Yes, it could inconvenience others, but I wasn't a villain using my own weaknesses to hurt people.

I was just trying to survive-I am just trying to survive.

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In the same session, she dropped another bombshell:

When you're a kid, you have no coping mechanisms: you can't run away, you can't fight back against the people you're totally reliant on. You were helpless.

The result (and her end goal) was for me to view myself compassionately, as I would any child in this scenario.

So why did it feel like, when it came to me, it was my fault?

Every shackle placed on my life, limiting and ultimately depriving me of a life at all, felt instead like a restriction I was placing on the people I loved.

I felt like I was holding them back. Like I was punishing them. Like I was the problem.

I had nearly convinced myself (after years of normal lab results, unexplained symptoms, and gaslighting doctors) that I was intentionally doing this to others.

This cycle ran round and round in my head, never ending. I was the one who suffered most, who missed out on more life than anyone else. But I felt like I was restricting the people around me from living to the fullest.

I felt like a burden. I felt unworthy. And in my darkest moments, I felt like I had somehow orchestrated all of my pain to ruin the lives of those around me.

Of course this isn't true. But when you're in this kind of pain, rationality is at the bottom of the list.

I - along with everyone else in my situation have to let go at my self-directed anger

To heal, I have to forgive myself for my limits. I have to accept the reality of my situation: it's awful, but not my fault. Im a victim, but not a burden.

In doing this, I can begin to heal. Maybe not in all areas, maybe not physically. But I can begin to love and accept myself for who I am and my life for what it is.

It's in forgiving myself for things beyond my control where I find peace-healing.

The reality is many of us have restrictions that prevent us from living fully.

But instead of being angry at ourselves or blaming ourselves, we must learn to love and forgive ourselves if we want to begin to heal.

We have to believe we are worthy of it.

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With this perspective, I may never physically heal, but I can begin to heal in other areas: mentally and emotionally.

I can stop letting my self-directed anger dictate my actions and emotions. I can forgive myself for limitations placed on me by external factors.

In doing this, I can be set free. Free from the responsibility to fix myself. Free from the feelings of being a burden. Free from guilt, shame, and fear.

Our lives were (and are) meant to be more. And some of us have drawn unfair cards.

But in order to begin to heal, and therefore truly live, we have to forgive ourselves for our limits and let go of our anger at ourselves for things we can't control.

It's okay if it's a work in progress-it is for me too. But the work is worth the reward.

And when you begin to see yourself in a new light, as someone worthy, the healing cycle compounds and replaces the toxic abuse trauma one.

I hope you can begin to release yourself from self-imposed chains and hatred and begin to see you through new eyes.

You are worth the battle.