Overreacting: The PMDD journey.

I'm 25.

And until recently, I've had a 'random' breakdown at the same time every month since I started my horrific periods at the age of 16.

25-16=9

That's 9 years in the dark. 9 years being labelled as sensitive, crazy, manipulative, selfish and just batshit by family, friends and partners.

9 years feels like a lifetime to me, but I'm pretty sure I've caught on earlier than the average person who menstruates.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, chronic medical condition that causes intense emotional, psychological, and physical symptoms during the 1 to 2 weeks before a period, typically resolving shortly after menstruation begins.

-NHS UK (Link at the bottom of the article if you want to check it out)

Right now I'm in the midst of changing over medications and finding ANYTHING that could possibly make this hellscape better.

But that's not what I'm most worried about. It's actually sharing with people that I have PMDD, because of how scary it sounds, let alone living with it. I think I've heard every "on the blob" joke you can think of, and I'm surprised we still attack people for genuinely bleeding out of an ORGAN IN THEIR BODY! And yet, here we are, a society full of handheld computers and face-altering medicines, asking people with hormones why they can't control their crying and just stop for a second. Or replying, "Oh, so you're a crazy girlfriend then", in response to me trying to accept my PMDD.

You know what is crazy? I cannot simply live for a month in the year without wanting to kill myself at some point- because of my body. Surely that has to be some sort of natural selection coming for me?

This world we're currently in is terrifying; it's full of random and false news, propaganda, harassment and war. Existing feels like a chore without the tiny devil in my brain saying: "fuck it, let's just see what's on the other side at this point". So I think just being kind whenever you can is the most important currency right now.

For those of you also struggling with hormones and their evil little armies that come to collect you when it's that time of the month, I just want to say you're stronger than anyone realises. You're not sensitive, because you wake up at a disadvantage and you still get through it. You're not crazy; you're probably more emotionally intelligent and logical than most, because you have to live with a demonic twin that has no idea how to socialise or self-regulate their emotions.

Be kind to yourself, but also acknowledge what you put up with. I don't think we look back on just how much we have to "get on with" because this is our life. But it's not actually normal, and it's not easy. We wake up, and we exist not because we want to, but because we have to; otherwise, we'll never give ourselves a chance.

Don't just be kind to yourself; be proud of yourself. Push those outbursts and emotions aside for a second (we can keep working on them in a minute) and appreciate the person behind it all, still moving ahead, really, really trying to be there for those around them, trying to live well. Because you're not alone and you're not failing; you're showing up.

Some basic info for anyone just figuring out or interested in PMDD.

If you're a partner of someone who has it, we see how much this puts on you, and we appreciate any strength, emotional support, and/or regulation you can provide. It means everything during the hard times. I've attached some help from Mind.org, but there are also many forums online and people you can speak to just to rant and find some advice.

Keep going, everyone. In the words of Kris Jenner:

"You're doing amazing sweetie"