There is another me. I've been distinctly aware of her for years. I don't exactly remember the first time she made her appearance, but I do remember that she has disapproved from that moment.
It’s something both ‘Gone Girl’ and ‘The Girl on the Train’ have in common as well as many other popular thrillers and famous novels across genres – the ‘unreliable narrator’. Our protagonist appears to be balanced and coherent but then unfolding events contradict their skewed reasoning and drive an ever-growing wedge between their perception of reality and ours. Things just don’t add up; the reader can no longer take the story at face value. Is the POV character insane, lying, deluded or just plain wrong? We won’t know until the final piece of the jigsaw that is their damaged mind fits into place.
Boarderline Personality Disorder... What a name right? Well that is the diagnosis that was given to me by some psych chick way back when I was seventeen (I'm now closer to 40 then I am 30).
Narcissism of everyday life.
We need to be more aware of those particular people around us. Most of us actually have some characteristics of a Narcissistic Personality. What makes us different from fully having the full extent is that we are recognizing that we have issues with some of the traits.
I had heard the word narcissist, but I guess I just had never really taken it into much consideration. I mean, I guess everyone can occasionally have narcissistic tendencies. But that's different than Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
*****Warning this article may be triggering*****
What is it like trying to heal from a narcissistic personality and/ or relationship?
COVID-19 is a haven for narcissists and psychopaths to amp up the abuse at home. It is an opportunity for them to be menacing, abusive and to sabotage the career of the target, whilst disrupting the children and family and subjecting them to persistent chaos.
Eliminating sociopathy from the gene pool, now that is a concept. If we could rewrite the genes of a baby at conception, this idea could work. It is one way to treat genetic disabilities at any rate, and since I have 22q, Velocardiofacial syndrome, it is a way to treat this disorder that researchers at major clinics like Stanford are working on. Narcissism or sociopathic spectrum mental illness is not always something that you are born with but rather it is something that a person can develop due to something that happens at the age of 2 or 3, due to parenting styles.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by obsessive and repetitive thoughts or behaviors that severely affect a person’s quality of life. Both people with OCD and other types of anxiety disorders battle challenging mental health conditions that are made worse by the COVID-19 pandemic. Whether a person is struggling with incessant fear about the virus, fear of the unknown, or social and economic insecurity, the normal level of worry that most people experience may be exacerbated in some people with OCD.
I’ve always suffered from mental health, but it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, aka “bpd” that a huge part of me felt a weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt as if I could breathe. It was as if I had just been given an answer to so many unanswered questions about myself. Many people don’t understand the daily battle I have with myself, and I don’t expect them to either. It’s sort of like my brain and my heart going to war against each other. I want to love and trust everyone because that’s what my heart wants, but my brain won’t let me forget all the pain and hurt I’ve endured throughout my life. I want to believe that everyone means well, but my walls are too high for me to even begin to break them down. I see the good in everything and every person, but I know there is darkness and evil hidden in the shadows. My ability to create and keep relationships with those in my everyday world is a struggle because I know that eventually, they’ll leave too. I either push you away so you don’t get close to me, or I won’t let you in at all, eliminating any opportunity for me to get hurt. I keep my emotions guarded and show very little of the true me so I can keep myself safe. If I do happen to let you in close to me, I become very attached so I won’t lose you. If I keep you at an arms length away, you won’t get the chance to break my walls and see me vulnerable. It’s all or nothing, I don’t sit on the fence when it comes to my feelings. I can be extremely distant and closed off, or I can be social and outgoing. Some days I know I’m a beautiful girl with an even more precious soul. Other days, I look at my mistakes and believe I am the devil himself. Sometimes I’m great at budgeting and managing my life, other times I spend recklessly and act impulsively. One day I’ll believe I deserve the best in life, and I’ll manifest my dreams to the fullest. Other days, I don’t see my purpose and I’ll self destruct. It’s hard living not knowing one day to the next if I’ll reach for the stars, or be my own downfall. Borderline personality disorder has caused me it’s own trauma, while allowing me to grow in ways I never imagined possible. If you personally are diagnosed with “bpd”, I want you to know that I fully understand the roller coaster of emotions and feelings you’re experiencing every single day. The breakdowns you’ll have because you’re hard on yourself. The lack of motivation to live your best life, the random bursts of energy to push yourself through your comfort zones. Never forget it’s okay not to be okay on your dark days, and the good days will feel like you’ve won a million bucks. As long as you’re trying, you’re doing something right. Even if you’re not proud of yourself, I’m proud of you.
It was December and Christmas had spilt into central London. Streets were adorned with festive lights and illuminated adverts hung across roads, casting patterns of colour upon wet pavements as Xanthe walked down Charing Cross Road.
It’s said that narcissist personality disorder is just that, a dysfunctional personality disorder however I see it as much more. There is so much more going on then just how someone acts towards others.