Probably THE most asked question of my life. Five years ago I was incapable of even looking after myself much less 3 whole other entities. Not only am I a mom suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but also clinical depression, generalised anxiety and panic disorder with suicidal ideations. Well that was a mouthful and just thinking about it seems impossible.
Here’s the “Official” definition of a Narcissistic Sociopath”
Most of us have seen that movie. You know, the one where the girl goes to live at a psychiatric hospital, she doesn't really pay attention to anything around her, she makes friends with some different kinds of people, and just tries to survive. That movie is called Girl Interrupted, and it shows only a small portion of what living with the mental disorder Borderline Personality is like. Movies often poke fun of or romanticize mental illnesses, but that just leads to the audience not really and truly understanding it.
As a Leonardo da Vinci enthusiast, artist and ferocious reader, I have collected books and read countless biographies on him, visited museums with his collections, studied his works online, and emulated many of his artworks in various media. And after all this time, I cannot shake off the feeling that this extraordinary Renaissance man, who was prolific in so many fields might have Multiple Personality Disorder.
Narcissists and psychopaths lie. They are reliant on the reactions of others to feel alive, be relevant, to exist—they talk continuously. When they are not interacting and getting reactions (supply) from others, they are irrelevant. Think of a phone without a battery in it. That is how they feel. A sense of nothingness.
Narcissistic psychopaths love mobile devices. They can lock them up, pull them out to appear; busy, working or otherwise occupied and important and they can lock you out.
Surprisingly—or maybe unsurprisingly—there are plenty of psychopaths who are not just productive members of society but, more often times than not, are people of power in our societies.
Narcissists and psychopaths manufacture chaos. In part, this is because they are not integrated and chaotic. They also most often were raised in chaotic environments that lacked structure and consistency. They have learned that by creating chaos and confusion, they are best able to portray their victims as "unstable." Normal people do not function well in chaos. Children thrive and crave structure. These folks intentionally create chaos in the lives of children, which lead to the children reacting in understandably negative ways.
In this tragic state of school shootings, women being killed by their partners frequently, constant news of corruption in our family courts and movies and music industries, Child Protective Services, Police, Social Workers, the foster-care system, political offices (all of which serve as processors and purveyors of pedophilia and child sex trafficking), we are desperate for the "reasons."
I sit here today feeling accomplished and generally happy. I feel ambitious, positive, healthy and capable. Tomorrow may shine a different light on my life, so I close my eyes and tell myself to live in the moment. The impending doom that I try so hard to avoid every day will eventually make an appearance. It might not be today, tomorrow, or even a few weeks from now, but the feeling of being swallowed up by the whole world and sucked into a deep pit of despair will rear its evil head. I believe that acceptance and being aware of what that looks like before it consumes you is key to surviving this whirlwind of a disorder: BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder.