When is the RIGHT time to build self-confidence and how?

Now.

Whether you are a student, a fresh graduate, unemployed, employed, retired, a parent, a child, or a grandparent…it doesn’t matter. Your mental health requires attention now.

You may opt for professional therapy, to work with a mindset coach (like me) or develop your own self-care routine. That only mildly matters because a health professional, life coaching and other mental health support system can provide structure and guidance, but it will only be self-beneficial if you are committed to doing the work needed to build your self-confidence (and your overall mental health).

Urgghh, but therapy can be so expensive, and I don’t even know what a mindset coach does! So, let’s stick with self-help books.

(P.S. Look out for my next article on what a mindset coach does and how we can help you overcome limiting beliefs and traumatic experiences).

There are literally hundreds (or dare I say thousands) of self-help books, out there that will GUARANTEE you will be bursting with confidence by the time you hit “The End”, but none of it will work. Or maybe you’ll pick up some tricks here and there on how to fake it till you make it through a meeting, a presentation or in social contexts, but none of these methods will be long-lasting or genuine. Why?

Because when it comes to subjects related to the SELF (e.g., SELF-worth, SELF-confidence, SELF-love etc.), the most significant factor is the SELF. The primary reason these generalized self-help methods will not work is simply that it is GENERALIZED. No two people will have the same set of experienced trauma, intense fears and types of phobias, so how can you expect a generalized self-help method that doesn’t actually take into account the SELF to be efficient?

A simple Google search on “how to build self-confidence” will provide you with a top 10, top 15 or top however many methods you can try at home. You’ll see suggestions such as “speaking out loud positive affirmations in front of a mirror every day”, “writing down all of your achievements” or “listing all of your strengths”. Basically, these methods focus on trying to remind you of your self-worth, which in turn will increase your self-confidence. But the problem is, a person who hasn’t realized their self-worth, WILL NOT be able to recognize their achievements or strengths. I have worked with clients who have experienced anxiety (panic attacks) while trying these methods out because it becomes overwhelming for them.

OK so no self-help books or positive affirmations, now what?

As I have hinted in the above paragraph, your self-confidence is tightly wound with your self-worth, so if you are trying to build your self-confidence without evaluating your self-worth, you will not have much success. Your self-worth is dictated by the traumas and fears you have accumulated over the years. The moment you are born, your “ego”, which is somewhat your innate survival mechanism, will start something called “reality testing”. If you do this, what would the consequences be? Will it result in pro-survival or detrimental?

These learning experiences are what shape your personality. Unfortunately, it is also what shapes your self-worth. This is the reason two people may react very differently (or similarly if they have shared underlying trauma) in a situation. Have you seen how sometimes you may be offended by something someone had said or done, but another person seemed unfazed by it? This is because you are carrying a trauma that is triggered by that certain action/word, but the other person isn’t.

Let’s go through an example of this. You may have gotten lost in a supermarket when you were 5, and you may not even remember that. Why? Because that experience could have been so traumatic for you at that time that your ego had decided it was best to suppress the memory (traumatic event). Also, while getting lost at the supermarket may not seem like a big deal for you now, the child you would have experienced emotions of lack of security, fear of loss and so on because your ego knows that your chances of survival would be significantly decreased if you lost your parents. Hence, your ego will now perceive “losing your loved ones” as a threat to your sense of security, shaping your insecurities around your relationships as an adult.

To avoid this from happening again, your ego will mold your personality to what it thinks is the best method to not lose your loved ones. That can manifest as compromising your integrity and happiness to make sure your friends, co-workers and romantic partners do not leave you.

So, in order to increase your self-worth, you first need to identify the traumas and fears that are blocking you from realizing your true worth.

Been there, done that. Now, how do I get rid of it?

How do you completely eliminate these traumas and fears? By simply understanding that the perceived danger/threat attached to the trauma is no longer relevant. Let’s think about the example that I presented in the post. A child perceives losing their parents as a threat to their security because the ego perceives that as reducing their chances of survival. If we think about it now, will someone leaving your life realistically decrease your chances of survival? No, it won’t, so, really, why do we feel the need to compromise our integrity to keep someone in our life?

Simply put, it is taking the worst-case scenario that your ego can conjure and understanding that in the long scheme of things, it is actually not that bad. Of course, this is a very simple example, and most traumas and fear require a deeper analysis. For example, some might say that they fear being alone, or they might not be able to financially sustain themselves. All of these reasons will need to be separately analyzed and resolved.

As an individual, our concept of what is “life” and “success” is dictated by the collective society. Any threat to our self-preservation, whether emotionally or physically, will cause our ego to panic, resulting in anxiety, depression and social phobias. Once we deprogram ourselves from these preset societal rules, we will realize that there is nothing for us to lose because we govern our self-worth.

Thank you for reading!

When you are ready to grow and prefer a healing program that is tailored to your needs, visit my website and send me a message. All sessions will be virtual (online therapy). Excited to meet you!