CAN'T

Go ahead. Try that new interest of yours. Take part in a new activity that you'll only spend 3 months actually trying. Go on. Start it. You know what the outcome will be. We know what the outcome will be. It's the same result each time, you moron. Do you really think you'll amount to anything?

Are you stupid? Are you braindead? No. I know what you are. You're incompetent. A sad, little baby waiting for someone to care for them. You're desperate. Desperate for love. Desperate for people to glorify you and defend you no matter what. You're sick, you know that? Everything you say or do is complete and utter nonsense. I don't know why I even put up with you. From this to that, back to this, onto that. Make up your damn mind already. I'm going crazy just by looking at you. Its disgusting. You are disgusting.

What now? You have something to show? I couldn't care less what you have to show, nor does anyone else. Your projects are meaningless. Your time invested into all those hobbies, what did they amount to? Nothing. You have so much time and instead of sitting down and taking it seriously, you wander off into the unknown and do whatever you feel like?

THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

Crying. You're crying now. It won't fix your problems. Actions will. But you won't take action. What's stopping you from taking back your life? Tell me. Give me one valid, rational reason why you stopped being so great and merry to devolve into a hermit crab and wither away under the roof of your broken, dampened house? Speak. I'll wait. My life is fantastic; I can wait forever. This chair? I'll sit in it and patiently wait for your response. Don't look at me that way. I didn't ask for your poor eye contact. I asked for a reason and a reason only. One that made sense and explains why you can't stick to just one thing and make it yours.

Hours later, you explain it to me. A valid reason. Long, but informative. Now I know. I finally know. Why you do the things that you do. What every little action you do truly means. Where you developed it from. When it started. Who made you this way.

How it will end.

I realise now. I know it all. I never knew until this very moment. All of that happened in the time I've been gone? Please, tell me this is a sick joke. That is not the reason why. Don't stare at me like its the truth. All you have felt is pain. Pain, suffering, trauma, sleepless nights, harrowing thoughts and visuals all so vivid yet dark. How are you still here? What kept you going after everything that happened to you? Family? Friends? Fear? Can I join you on the floor? I'm not going to yell at you anymore. That's all I have been doing when I visit you. Yell. Shout. Scream at you like I hate you. I could never hate you. I hate what you've done to yourself but, I don't blame you for it. Harsh attitude. That's what I have. Though, I never thought that it would hurt you so badly. I'm sorry.

I am truly sorry for what I have said. How I've said it. My character is much more stoic and cold than yours. I care too much about you. That is why I come across so. Protection of your person is what I stand for. I love you, okay? I love you. Too much. You will find your place. Those things that happened made you stronger today. No one knows what they're doing at that age. Heck, no one really knows what they're doing nowadays at your age. Don't fret. You are not alone.

Time. It is scary that one day you won't have anymore time. But you must not let it stop you from doing whatever you want. So take it. Take that time and make the most of it. Settling down naturally follows. You're lost. I understand. The road ahead looks chilling; the fear of the unknown is a potent one. But only you can face that fear. Make that road a brighter one. Seek help if things get tough. We all need it sometimes. No shame in asking for guidance. It's necessary.

Recover. Take this time to recover. You are not a failure. Restart another time. You decide when that restart takes place. Tomorrow. Next month. Next year. Whenever you feel comfortable, that is when you restart. Or continue. Build yourself back up. Turn your troubles into tenacity. Your sorrows are your strength. Nothing can ever hurt you as badly as your past did. Nothing will affect your mind so viciously that you return to the silence. I believe in you. You can reach for that life. Only you.

I...