Pizza Everything

My experiment began when I found this odd bit of 90’s nostalgia online. I know what you’re thinking. Finally, an everything pizza seasoning endorsed by The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Millennials, look no further. This 4.4 ounce bottle of pizza-like flavor is available on amazon.com for $12.99. Also available, ‘The Shredder.’

I had initially bought it for my daughter, but her reaction was lukewarm at best. It was not until I started my very important Facebook photo essay that she showed even the slightest interest. Then it was all, “Why are you taking so many pictures of that pizza seasoning?” and “Where are you going with those nunchucks?”

To my friends on Facebook I posed a simple question.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we? The back of the bottle features a recipe. “Prep store bought dough according to package.” Seems an inauspicious beginning for a pizza recipe. I’m sorry, Italians, there is nothing authentic happening here. But I digress. Back to the experiment!

My Facebook friends offered a wide range of suggestions from the mundane to the absurd. More than one of them asked, nay - demanded that I put it on everything. And thus, I embarked on a journey to ‘pizza’ the world turtle style.

TMNT Pizza Everything Seasoning Experiment #1: Buttered pasta with cherry tomato and Parmesan

It was both radical and gnarly. I could taste the New York City sewer system.

TMNT Pizza Everything Seasoning Experiment #2: Breakfast sandwich with English muffin, sliced cheddar, and fried (microwaved) egg

This is April O’Neal reporting live from Leslie’s kitchen…Now, Leslie, can you tell me the source of the eggs?

I was foraging in the sewer and I came upon these mysterious glowing eggs. They appeared to be covered in some sort of ooze from a broken glass vial, like the kind you’d see in a secret industrial lab. I figured, why the hell not, ya know?

TMNT Pizza Everything Seasoning Experiment #3: 🍰

Did you know that in addition to his reputation as a 'party dude,' Michelangelo was also a classically trained pastry chef? He is world renowned for his pizza buttercream. Here I attempt to recreate his masterpiece.

TMNT Pizza Everything Seasoning Experiment #4: ☕️

Move over Pumpkin Spice Latte, there’s a new PSL in town. The Pizza Seasoning Latte is the premier savory espresso beverage. It will take your morning from zero to ‘cowabunga, dude!’

TMNT Pizza Everything Seasoning Experiment #5: 🍕

I thought I could somehow make pizza taste more like pizza, but this was pure hubris! Instead of a trip to flavor town, I was sucked into a pizza vortex, a rift in the space time continuum.

TMNT Pizza Everything Seasoning Experiment #5: 🐶

Oh my god, you guys, look what it did to my dog!

Have I gone too far in the name of science? I feel different somehow. It is the dawn of a new metamorphosis!

I want to thank my friends on Facebook who championed this little experiment. Your encouragement made me what I am today, a pizza obsessed mutant.

Play us out, boys! You’ll want to turn the sound up for this. It’s a banger!

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Fun Fact:

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were created in 1984 by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird of Mirage Comic Book Studios. It was written as a parody of Daredevil, mocking many of the most serious elements. For example, Daredevil was trained by a man named ‘Stick,’ while the turtles were trained by a rat named ‘Splinter.’ Daredevil fights a clan of evil ninjas known as ‘The Hand’ while the turtles must fight ‘The Foot.’ It is also implied that the same radioactive ooze that blinded Matt Murdock and turned him into Daredevil is the same substance that mutated the turtles.