I’ve only ever said those words twice. Both times, I wish I could’ve reached into the air and taken them back in before anyone had heard. Not because I was ashamed or scared of the reaction, but because they didn’t feel right. Both conversations were welcomed with open arms by the person on the receiving end. A nice feeling of validation in the haze. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of discouragement and pressure. How do I take back those words without confusion? I don’t think I can. So, again, I’m stuck.

After all this time she decided to come here. To knock on my door and say, “Hey, babe.”

There is a saying which I pick up from my favourite celebrity’s instagram live. He said," sometimes, it is not the butterflies but the headaches that make you realise somebody." Those words went through my head and I guess he was right. Out of all the relationship I had before, the relationship that I had with you wass the only that I did not experience any butterflies. It did not give me the excitement that everyone has when they are in relationship. The fact that all those time, I was faking the excitement, telling all of my friends about all the butterflies came alive when I was next to you. Sorry to admit it now but I did not. I thought that I did not love you at all. Therefore, I always neglected you. I put us in every situation where we had to fight and end our relationship. I thought it was tiring to stay with someone who you did not love, in my defence, I did try; I tried so hard to the point where I got so exhausted. I was actually the one who wanted to end our relationship. You tried your best to show your love to someone who was not interested. You worked hard to make it work but I guess , it was too exhausting that one day you finally let it go. After you left, I fouund myself became so lost. My world stopped as soon as you walk out. Everything that I used to enjoy turn out to be meaningless, I got sick of everything. I thought I did not love, I thought I always did not care but why does it hurt when you leave ? Why am I in despiar ? It is funny when you think of it. As soon as you told that you are too exhuasted to fight for me anymore, as soon you put your forward to a different direction, my heart sink. I know that I am too late now. Too late to ask you to stay. I am trying so hard everyday not to miss you. I am pretending to be fine even if it is killing me so hard inside. I regretted every actions that I took, I regret that every minutes that I had with you, I put it into waste. A thought that ring me everyday, keep me awake every night that I should've taken you seriously. I only realised your value now when thing between us has already ended. Just like I mentioned ealier, I couldn't turn back time, could I ? Everywhere I look, I see you and it haunt me. It is really stupid, isn’t it ? That doesn’t make sense, right ? Little did I know, I loved you and it was the heartache that make me realise I loved you.

Allow me to apologize, this message contains many grammatical errors, and uncertain shift changes. I do not write to impress, I merely need a platform to speak. Whether you can understand my pain or not is not my goal. My goal is to let someone know that I am in pain. I’m sorry.

Remember life a few months ago?

Greetings, Vocal readers. Pride Month has finally arrived. In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, we have to remember that we’re still fighting for equality for all LGBT people. I know that marriage equality has been legalized for almost five years, but queer people are still being discriminated against and denied services. We have an election coming up in November and if President Trump doesn’t get re-elected, the next commander-in-chief has to be committed to fight for the rights of gay and lesbian people and condemn discrimination of all forms.

Like many in my generation, I am single. Alone, all alone with nobody to love, hold, argue with, take cute pictures with or go on holiday with.

Going through my old highschool book collection since I’m home, I’ve been rereading some of my favorite texts for the first time in six years. Jeffrey Eugenides’s The Virgin Suicides (1993) has become a cult classic, but it seems especially fitting for this time. Quoting Dazed editor Claire Marie Healy, as many find themselves confined to their bedrooms reminiscent of highschool nights, this pandemic has made us “teenagers again. Waiting for our lives to begin.” The film by Sofia Coppola turned twenty during quarantine, setting the bedroom-bound Lisbon sisters in our crystallised collective consciousness for the foreseeable future and perhaps resonating with us more than ever in the midst of a pandemic.

For those that have read my previous articles, know that this past few months hasn't been easy for me or my heart. During my time of grieving, I would often find myself googling what I should do and what other people have done to mend their broken hearts. Some of what I found was useful and some not so much. I'd loved watching and listening to Ted Talks, and fortunately, I found a number of them that were super helpful and made feel less alone in terms of the pain that I was going through. So if you're going through a heartbreak, I hope this list provides you some solace.

Today is May 14th 2020; it’s my 28th birthday.

Much of the conflict between the church and the queer community could settle if we spoke the same language; it would allow space for understanding even if disagreement continues. However, many people on opposite sides of the queer morality debate often use the same words with different definitions. Sometimes, they’re completely unaware of another person’s vocabulary. In many ways, the church and the queer community don’t speak the same language.

Based on the best-selling novel by Irish author Sally Rooney, BBC Three’s adaptation of Normal People is a near word for word parallel as it tells the raw and realistic story of Marianne (Daisy Edgar-Jones) and Connell (Paul Mescal). An infatuation started as teens through secret kisses (and that which follows) that would continue to be revived and deepen as their lives persist on crossing paths throughout the years.

It is never pleasant to realize that we arrive in a second position. Nope. That is a feeling we spend our lives running away from. It is hard to admit that we are not the favorite one amid our siblings. It is bothering us not to win a competition and arrive second when we have been training for a year. It is hard to admit that we are not the best employee in the company. Therefore, our relationship with our boss is not as good as Tom, our forever best friend. And it is painful to be in a relationship with someone we are attached to but doesn’t seem to feel the same way about us.

What Women Really Want

For many of us, it’s hard to witness suffering, particularly if it’s someone we love. Some kinds of emotional blackmailers take advantage of that and use it to manipulate us to their will. Enter the suffering emotional blackmailer. This type of emotional blackmailer really focuses on feeling miserable. They can seem sick, unhappy, or just plain unlucky but the only remedy they see is for us to give in to their will. If someone resists this, it quickly becomes apparent that their suffering is our fault. We are made to feel like the sole cause of their pain and discomfort and all because we said no or set a boundary.

Allow me to apologize, this message contains many grammatical errors, and uncertain shift changes. I do not write to impress, I merely need a platform to speak. Whether you can understand my pain or not is not my goal. My goal is to let someone know that I am in pain. I’m sorry.

I cried until it felt like there was no more water left in the Atlantic. I hurt until it felt like Mike Tyson’s blow would’ve felt like a pinch. I hated you until I couldn’t.

In a time where everyone is playing to win and winning is ultimately not getting played. What do we end up losing in the end?

It can be hard to get rejected and often we don’t get to know why. People usually feel awkward turning someone else down and don’t want to add to the sting by hurting your feelings by saying why. So how can we grow as people if we never find out why we are always being turned down? Some of us want to continue to grow as people and be successful with people we’re attracted to. When faced with consistent rejection where we aren’t told why all we can do is some introspection to try to figure it out on our own.

Do you have a hard time telling the difference between lust and love? It can be really easy to confuse the two. Our society is full of mixed messages about love and sexual attraction. The two concepts are often heavily interwoven. This has led many people to be confused about the nature of lust and love and think they are the same thing. We all make decisions about relationships and sexual activities based on what we feel as well as what we think and hope for those interactions.

December 2003

To begin, you need to set a good, strong base for failure. Take absolutely no psychological inventory from this point forward. Go on and bring all that baggage right up, just beneath the surface. Make sure any tears produced upon reminiscing on childhood are ignored or extinguished by laugher. Do not work on your relationship with your father. Don't work on forgiving your family for any past misunderstandings. You're going to need all of these unraveled ends and gaping wounds to hastily construct something resembling affection in your romantic relationships.

I feel drugged by the lies that have been pushed down my throat. Forced to obey and adhere to the lies of a corrupt lover. Poisoned by your words. Your sweet nothings that actually meant nothing at all. You just wanted me under your thumb, you just wanted control. You thought I would never walk away. You thought I would never leave because I was so in love with you. I'm surprised you didn't use the children in your quest to keep me with the lies you told me.

I often forget the fact that I’m still married to an illegal immigrant, or maybe I block it out. The events of the summer of 2018 seem so far away in time and space; it all seems like a fever dream to me now. The only thing that proves this was all real is my legal status: a married woman. I let myself get so detached from this episode in my life, I only remembered when I had to check that box on my taxes. Only then, I thought to myself, “wow, I should really do something about this”.

Social distancing and isolation have shown me how important touch is for us. The simple ability to receive touch and touch someone we love was so natural pre quarantine that I am sure most of us took it for granted. The simple act of holding hands and being able to kiss someone we love without the virus lurking over is a feeling that I will personally be looking forward the most after quarantine is over. Thus, I believe that the days after quarantine are going to be defined not by the experiences that we missed out on, such as going to the beach or going to Starbucks, but by the ability to finally touch and hug those we love with complete freedom.

The sound of beeping machines and unrecognisable voices was all that I could hear, my eyesight was currently useless. I thought I was dead? I tried to move, nothing worked. Instead I lay there in absolute awe as my awareness slowly grows.

The lockdown has been tough on everyone. I'm referring to those in the first world countries who are experiencing a huge shift in lifestyle. It's no denying that we continue to adjust to this new normal that never seems to have an end.

My family has noticed that broken people are drawn to me. I think maybe they see themselves in my eyes. Not my family, broken people. Trust me, this is not a gift. See, I'm an empath. I feel other people. I often feel them before they even notice me. And, sometimes they never know I'm there. Being invisible has its perks. I'm not actually invisible. This is not another take on the classic "The Invisible Man". I have discovered that people just don't notice me. And if they do notice me, they don't remember me. This can also have its perks but there are times I want ... no, I need ... to be noticed. I digress. Enough about me. For now anyway.

While growing up over the years I've noticed that human relationships have changed considerably over the years. I have seen the best of friendships and I have seen a ton of superficial relationships. The trend lately seems to follow the later but that's not to say that there aren't genuine relationships today.

Matty never really fitted in. Apart from fitting in his closet when his Mum came to ask him to clean his room; Matty didn’t mould to the kids at school. He was too rigid to fit into all the tiny gaps the other boys seemed to fill. One gap for Saturday football matches, a nook for PS4 games that his mum said were inappropriate and another bump for the fact that Matty doesn’t mind not playing Call of Duty anyway because war is not a game.

Remember life a few months ago?

February was such an amazing month. Not only because it’s my birthday month but also because I was constantly surrounded by love and light which made me super grateful.

St. Elizabeth, a Hungarian princess, and a great saint, was born on July 7th, 1207, and passed away on 17th, November, 1231. Elizabeth was married at the age of 14 and widowed at the age of 20. After her husband's death she sent her children away and regained her money, she used that money to build a hospital where she herself served the sick. She became a symbol of Christian charity after her death at the age of 24

I’ve only ever said those words twice. Both times, I wish I could’ve reached into the air and taken them back in before anyone had heard. Not because I was ashamed or scared of the reaction, but because they didn’t feel right. Both conversations were welcomed with open arms by the person on the receiving end. A nice feeling of validation in the haze. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of discouragement and pressure. How do I take back those words without confusion? I don’t think I can. So, again, I’m stuck.

Greetings, Vocal readers. Pride Month has finally arrived. In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, we have to remember that we’re still fighting for equality for all LGBT people. I know that marriage equality has been legalized for almost five years, but queer people are still being discriminated against and denied services. We have an election coming up in November and if President Trump doesn’t get re-elected, the next commander-in-chief has to be committed to fight for the rights of gay and lesbian people and condemn discrimination of all forms.

Ever heard of pansexuality? The term has gotten a lot more attention in recent years as more people have started to identify this way. Many people will trace the term gaining popularity with the start of different celebrities coming out as pansexual starting in 2015 but the term is actually a lot older than that. The word itself is rooted in Greek where “pan” translates to “all”. The term has actually been used for a long time and debated by the psychological and academic community since the early 1800s.

Dating can be hard, no matter the age. Coming up with memorable dates can be even harder. Whether you're celebrating an anniversary or wanting to spice your regular date nights up, here are 15 fun and unique date night ideas.

Who wouldn’t want to gift an incredible something to their loved ones? People are often looking for ideas to gift their better halves, parents, friends, and other family members.

There is one person out there who can make you feel some emotions you have never experienced before with anyone else. The day you cross their path, you feel like it's a no-brainer. You feel like it because of the effect they have on you, and you might experience some pleasant feelings deep inside down. What's the part of your job here? Dare to live them.

Many people hated Mondays and Wednesday because it’s either beginning of the week so you have to restart the bullshit you endured last week or its halfway through the week and you still have two more days until you can rest from the bullshit. Me I hated Tuesdays, not just any particular Tuesdays though a Tuesday after the summer holidays. I had over six weeks away from all the bullshit and now was the beginning of the first term in my final year at ‘The Dukes Grammar school and sixth form’ Sounds fancy? Yeah that’s because it’s filled with the privileged or scholarship kids and they’re even worse than the rich kids. The fact they named the bullshit school ‘Duke” showed how much their own arses they really are, and unfortunately I was one of them.

Going through my old highschool book collection since I’m home, I’ve been rereading some of my favorite texts for the first time in six years. Jeffrey Eugenides’s The Virgin Suicides (1993) has become a cult classic, but it seems especially fitting for this time. Quoting Dazed editor Claire Marie Healy, as many find themselves confined to their bedrooms reminiscent of highschool nights, this pandemic has made us “teenagers again. Waiting for our lives to begin.” The film by Sofia Coppola turned twenty during quarantine, setting the bedroom-bound Lisbon sisters in our crystallised collective consciousness for the foreseeable future and perhaps resonating with us more than ever in the midst of a pandemic.

The cotton plants swayed gently in the breeze as a shrouded figure walked across the plantation. A large metal cross dangled from his waist as gnarled hands gripped a rosary. As he walked, two men stood in the distance waiting for him. One, the plantation owner, clad in rustic wear with a fat face and menacing glare in his eye. The other, a political man in an expensive suit holding a pocket watch as he checked the time every few moments.

There is a saying which I pick up from my favourite celebrity’s instagram live. He said," sometimes, it is not the butterflies but the headaches that make you realise somebody." Those words went through my head and I guess he was right. Out of all the relationship I had before, the relationship that I had with you wass the only that I did not experience any butterflies. It did not give me the excitement that everyone has when they are in relationship. The fact that all those time, I was faking the excitement, telling all of my friends about all the butterflies came alive when I was next to you. Sorry to admit it now but I did not. I thought that I did not love you at all. Therefore, I always neglected you. I put us in every situation where we had to fight and end our relationship. I thought it was tiring to stay with someone who you did not love, in my defence, I did try; I tried so hard to the point where I got so exhausted. I was actually the one who wanted to end our relationship. You tried your best to show your love to someone who was not interested. You worked hard to make it work but I guess , it was too exhausting that one day you finally let it go. After you left, I fouund myself became so lost. My world stopped as soon as you walk out. Everything that I used to enjoy turn out to be meaningless, I got sick of everything. I thought I did not love, I thought I always did not care but why does it hurt when you leave ? Why am I in despiar ? It is funny when you think of it. As soon as you told that you are too exhuasted to fight for me anymore, as soon you put your forward to a different direction, my heart sink. I know that I am too late now. Too late to ask you to stay. I am trying so hard everyday not to miss you. I am pretending to be fine even if it is killing me so hard inside. I regretted every actions that I took, I regret that every minutes that I had with you, I put it into waste. A thought that ring me everyday, keep me awake every night that I should've taken you seriously. I only realised your value now when thing between us has already ended. Just like I mentioned ealier, I couldn't turn back time, could I ? Everywhere I look, I see you and it haunt me. It is really stupid, isn’t it ? That doesn’t make sense, right ? Little did I know, I loved you and it was the heartache that make me realise I loved you.

Today a friend offered me the age old advice, “to get over a man, you must get under a new one” or in my case an old one.

Growing up my dad had a never ending stream of advice to give to my brother and I. A few things stuck, while others went one ear and out the other of course.

All my life, my virginity was an essential thing for me. It had taken its own identity. It defined me and made me who I was. So when it came to the day that I was no longer a virgin, it was a big deal! I remember the talk of the wedding night being of importance. Culturally it was not to be spoken of until the day before the wedding night. But it was not a secret to me. All of my older married friends had given me a glimpse of what the wedding night was all about.

Yep, twenty one and married indeed. When I decided I wanted to get married, it seemed as if everyone had an opinion. Like literally. There were some like “finally, girl you getting old,” while others were like,” you have your whole life ahead of you.” It was a never-ending discussion until the day of the wedding.

So when the COVID-19 Pandemic started, my husband and I made the joke about coupl es during this time. Wondering how everyone would hold up under pressure. How many relationships would fail during this time? Little did I know, our relationship struggled a little during the time we've been at home. It just feels different. Almost like dealing with each other was forced. I mean, we've worked from home together for years on end. We are always in each others face, so you would think that having to deal with a stay home order would be a simple thing for us. Turns out, that was a lie.

Not long ago, I searched on YouTube to see if there was a 40’s bachelor like me. However, a video of a thumbnail that looks prominently ugly and sloppy has been uploaded under the name of "A bachelor living alone". I clicked on the video without any hesitation, in other words with a click rate of 100%. The content of the video was nothing. It was a video that a man went shopping alone and sat alone in a messy room, boiled ramen, and checked the receipts one by one as if there was really anything to do. In addition to the video, I watched several episodes in a row and felt like I was feeling this channel is good to subscribe for my single life.

You can stay alone for as long as you like, but you’ll never truly be comfortable in solitude until you welcome it with open arms.

I’ve heard it said a thousand times before, ‘people want what they can’t have.’ But truth be told, Ive always been to the contrary. If it’s not mine, why would I want it. If someone doesn’t want me to have ‘it’ why would I insist? Nope. I want the cards I’m dealt.

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