Through the Looking Glass: A Narcissist's Odyssey of Self-Discovery

Pete often perceive himself as a machine. He has internal dialogues where he assess his own capabilities, sometimes acknowledging his exceptional intellect, while other times recognizing when he is not performing at his best. He is highly conscious of time and how he utilizes it, almost as if there is a meter in his mind that ticks and talks, acting as a self-critical metronome.

He loves knowledge, books, and information. However, it was during times of heartbreak, when relationships ended, that he truly faced the hollowness and emptiness within himself. It was in those moments of mortification that he became consciously aware of his true self, realizing the impact of his horrendous childhood. That period of his life seemed natural at the time, but in retrospect, he understands the trauma he endured and how it stunted his personal growth.

His childhood was characterized by emotional deprivation and extreme abuse, though it's important to note that he was not subjected to sexual abuse. Physical, verbal, and psychological torment were constants throughout his upbringing, lasting for 16 years without respite. This continuous torture shaped him into a narcissistic, paranoid, and schizoid individual, or at least that's what he wanted to believe. Blaming others for his troubles, as narcissists often do, seemed like a relief. Psychological theory also supported this belief, as experts explained how a traumatic childhood could lead to personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder. This externalization of blame alleviated feelings of guilt and assigned his suffering to an illness.

He has a profound fear of pain. His pains never come in isolation; they form families, conspire against him, and overwhelm him like a floodgate breached by the torment of his childhood. Repressed rage at his helplessness and the traumas he experienced as a child find their outlet in narcissism. It serves as a defense mechanism to contain the overwhelming onslaught of deteriorating and corrupted emotions. Pete’s narcissism has proven resilient and resistant to change, regardless of how much he has learned about it. Yet, he is still powerless in the face of his own flaws and limitations.

Pete’s narcissism, as a self-constructed religion, has served a purpose throughout his life. It has enhanced his functionality and made life bearable, acting as a means of survival even in the face of physical injuries. Despite his deep understanding of narcissism, he remains entrapped by its grasp, caught between moments of success and moments of helplessness.

It’s become a rigid, doctrinaire, and automatic routine, almost ritualistic in nature, and even bordering on obsessive. This pattern, in which he ensnared, forms a significant part of his existence. He admits he is a narcissist, and can sense this unyielding inflexibility as if it’s an external shell, like an exoskeleton. His narcissism, shackles him, confines and constricts him, often acting as a severe obstacle, inhibiting him from pursuing certain actions. Pete experienced deep wounds and humiliation when circumstances force him into particular activities. In such situations, his response is characterized by an outburst of rage, triggered when the intricate mental structure that supports his disorder faces even the slightest scrutiny or criticism. It doesn’t matter how well-intentioned or constructive the feedback may be; he reacts with intense hostility.

He is also apprehensive about women, mainly due to a history of painful experiences. This pattern began with the most significant woman in his life—his mother—and then continued with other women, all of whom seemed to derive sadistic pleasure from causing him emotional suffering. Admittedly, he had initiated this cycle of cruelty with his own sadistic and cruel behavior towards them.

When it comes to narcissism, there’s no denying the absurdity. Now, a 60 year old man, yet often comes across as pompous, infantile, and grandiose. He is quite repulsive, and there’s a glaring incongruity between his self-perception, his achievements (or lack thereof), and his genuine identity. It’s not that he genuinely believes he is vastly superior to other humans intellectually, even though, objectively, he may indeed have an edge. But that’s not the primary thought driving him, not the recurring fixation. In fact, genuine thinking and cognition imply a degree of volition, a sense of purpose, and lead to motivation and action. But here, in the realm of narcissism, willpower is conspicuously absent.

He exists without a self, which translates to a complete absence of willpower. This powerlessness is the essence of a narcissist’s predicament. Ultimately, they’re entirely reliant, weaklings and losers in a sense. His inherent superiority is ingrained in every fiber of his being; it’s an ever-present sensation, an instinct that drives him. He feel entitled to special treatment and exceptional consideration because he is such a unique specimen – and, objectively speaking, he is unique. That’s the crux of his issue, his grandiosity, to some degree, is justified, much like knowing you’re surrounded by air or breathing oxygen.

Pete’s grandiosity is so integral to his identity, more so than his body, which he continuously reject. It’s been 15 years since he engaged in sexual activity, the ultimate rejection of one’s own body. This chasm between him and others widens because he considers himself so special. He lacks a way to comprehend how it feels to be someone else. There’s no bridge, no infinite amount of empathy that can help him because he is not you, and you can never be him.

Empathy is beyond his grasp. In his eyes, other people are hopelessly inferior, reduced to simplistic, two-dimensional tools. They can be functional, even entertaining at times, although that’s rare. However, they can’t be loved; He can’t emotionally connect with them because he lacks emotions. And if he accepts his negative emotions, he has no access to positive ones. Without empathy, emotions, and a self, what makes us members of the same species? Essentially nothing, and this leads to callousness, ruthlessness, exploitation, and sadism. He is not a bad person; in fact, he considers himself a good person. He has helped people throughout his life. He has helped people, not out of goodwill, but as a way to secure attention, gratitude, adulation, or admiration, merely to expedite their departure and end their incessant nagging and begging.

But even after comprehending these unpleasant truths, there’s no emotional response, no resonance. It’s like reading a dull user’s manual for a computer he doesn’t own or watching a movie about someone uninteresting. There’s no insight, no psychodynamic motivation to change because he lacks emotions.

Ironically, narcissists lack an ego and an “I.” To shield himself from the painful realization of the grandiosity gap, the abyss between reality and grandiose fantasy, he constructs elaborate mental structures with mechanisms, levers, switches, and flickering alarm lights. It resembles old telephone switchboards, complex and intricate.

His narcissism serves two purposes. First, it shields him from the pain of confronting reality and his non-existent self. Second, it allows him to inhabit a world of ideal perfection, brilliance, and above all, it acts as a thick, impenetrable wall separating him from the horrors of his childhood, the pain, hurt, fear, and terror. Tapping into those emotions would be self-destructive. Narcissists balance a sadistic superego, a demanding and fantastic false self, caught between a rock and a hard place. Both constructs keep demanding, criticizing, pushing, and motivating relentlessly.

When narcissists do gain self-awareness, it’s usually to enhance their skills at attracting and maintaining sources of narcissistic supply. They go to therapy to restore themselves as narcissists, to become self-efficacious once more, to learn how to garner even more narcissistic supply. That’s why they often seek guidance from dating coaches, business coaches, and similar experts. But introspection and self-awareness have their limits for narcissists; they can’t truly look inside or distinguish the false self from who they truly are or are not.

Narcissists don't distinguish between their ego and their self; they relegate ego functions to the outside world, creating an artificial self-image. Narcissists essentially exist as a loose coalition between a sadistic idealized superego and a grandiose and manipulative false ego. These two elements interact mechanically, making narcissists like supply-seeking robots.

Despite his knowledge of narcissism, he doesn’t change. Introspection for him is more like an intellectual exercise than a path to personal growth. He lacks the emotional connection to internalize what he understands about himself. Even when he gains self-awareness, it doesn't lead to healing. He may modify some behaviors but rarely address the deeper issues driving his narcissism. He initially believed he can change when he discovered his disorder. True change is difficult because it means letting go of his false self and facing his true self.

Narcissists may go through periods of progression followed by relapse, making treatment frustrating for therapists. While behavior modification is possible, true healing and transformation are rare in narcissism. Narcissists struggle with a constant internal battle between their false self and their ego, making lasting change difficult to achieve despite their intellectual understanding of their disorder.

Medication, therapy, and recovery for narcissists is often elusive. Claims of healed or recovered narcissists are largely considered false, even if they come from professionals. Therapy often focuses on accommodating the needs of those around the narcissist. Therapists often end up treating the people affected by the narcissist’s behavior rather than the narcissist themselves. The aim is to modify the narcissist’s negative traits, which benefits those around them more than the narcissist.

There is some hope that narcissism may improve with age, especially in cases of antisocial, psychopathic, or malignant narcissism. However, the garden-variety narcissist tends not to change.

Pete experiences life as a detached observer. He often feels like a character in a movie or a novel, viewing his actions and emotions from a distance. This disconnection helps him avoid emotional pain. Dissociation plays a significant role in his coping strategy. It allows him to avoid responsibility for his actions, effectively saying, “It’s not me; it’s the false self.”

Despite his intelligence, he finds himself in perpetual internal battles. He feels threatened and sad, even though these emotions don’t always align with external circumstances. He rewrites his own histories and may distort his past feelings about people. This rewriting aims to serve the requirements of his false self and meet external demands.

Narcissists live through their false selves, with their true selves becoming increasingly marginalized. They feel alienated, detached, and often watch their lives unfold as if in a movie. As time passes, the false self takes over more of their psyche, making them feel like they’re disappearing. In the end, they become primarily defined by their narcissism, while their true selves erode.

Narcissists experience life through the lens of their disorder, gradually losing touch with their authentic selves. Despite their efforts to understand and change, they often feel helpless in the face of their narcissism.