Shut Down Mode Engaged — Please Begin Emergency Restart Procedures

Last year, I did well. For a few solid months straight I was super motivated. I wrote articles every day and struggled to decide which projects to work on. Build my audience on Vocal media or here on Medium, finish editing the final draft of my book, and continue writing the new book I’m working on, I capped out most months on my eBay listings on my store. And I still have all of that going on, but I also have a real estate license to study for, as well as all the typical ‘mom-wife-life’ stuff I have going on.

But starting at the end of November, I burned out. I fizzled. I just shut down. I stopped writing and studying almost completely. I barely have the motivation to ship out items that have been sold. My house is a mess. I’ve probably been negligent of my family. I didn’t even decorate for Christmas- and I LOVE decorating for Christmas. All I want to do is sleep or play video games. Self-care is even difficult lately, showering and eating just haven’t been at the top of my agenda. I only have enough motivation to cuddle the kids, and keep them alive and happy.

Other than that, I have been stagnant.

Luckily I have young children and a loving family — so complete shutdown isn’t an option like it was in the past when I was alone. When I leveled up to mom status I got Auto-pilot as a passive ability, I guess. My family takes good care of me too. Thankfully they have been patient with me (the guilt that comes with shut-down mode is intense — but not intense enough to restart the machine, unfortunately).

And I only have myself to blame for this shut-down.

At the end of the year, I tend to shut down if I don’t …exist… correctly. The holiday season is an emotional trigger for many, many people. And I am no exception. Along with being a sensitive person (what some people would call “empathic”), I have trauma related to this time of year. From November to March, I struggle much more than usual with my emotional and mental health.

I am on medicine, and it helps stabilize me well. It was hard work to figure out which anti-anxiety/anti-depressant would help me — since I have an endocrine imbalance and trauma, so a regular class of medicine like Celexa or Zoloft or whatever those common medicines only made me foggy — and a tiny bit psycho.

Around the end of November, I put my medicine in a new spot (organization when you have ADHD can be completely catastrophic). So naturally, in my attempt to be more organized and not have pill bottles just out in the open in my bedroom, I began to forget to take my medicine. ADHD says: “out of sight, out of mind.” It wasn’t until the end of December (or maybe even in January - time is a weird soup) that I remembered that I should be taking medicine every day.

And people on anti-anxiety/depressants know that cold turkey cut-off is a big No-No. The consequences of suddenly stopping your medicine can be emotionally, mentally, and physically catastrophic. So after two months of mood swings, emotional outbursts (thankfully most of the time I can control these on my own unless I am under a TON of stress), night terrors, night sweats, sleep paralysis, body aches, migraines, random shakes and weird spikes in my blood pressure and heart rate, and depression that began to slowly crush me, my fiancé was like: “hey babe, have you been taking your medicine?”

And even though I have been on medicine for years, and ‘forgetting’ seems to be something that I shouldn’t do anymore my ADHD brain went: “OH THAT'S WHATS WRONG!”

I have been taking my medicine for about a week and a half again, and I can feel myself returning to ‘human’ status. I can feel things normalizing again. I am grateful for that because this last week being snowed in and getting NOTHING done has me infuriated at myself. I can sit there and pep-talk myself, berate myself, cry, beg and even threaten myself... gravity seems to just thicken around you, and time moves slowly. By the time you get the motivation to get up and do it - hours have passed.

This experience has taught me a lot — namely that my anti-depressants do work. I had begun to wonder if my medicine even does anything for me — and it’s good to know that it does. It’s also disheartening that I am that dysfunctional without them. I struggle with the resentment against myself that I have to be on medicine to be a functioning human being. I know there’s nothing to be ashamed of, and that millions of people in the world need medicine to help stabilize them for quality of life, but I hate my body for being my enemy. The sense of failure and inadequacy comes naturally to me because I can't even exist without some kind of chemical help. But, it happens. And I am not alone in this.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong needing medicine. Logically, I know this. My ego simply disagrees. Strongly.

To depend on pills that stabilize my hormones just so I can have the energy and drive to reach for my dreams is frustrating. But I am grateful that I have them, and have the ability to continue to take them. There are people in this world that can't get their medicines - some of them life saving. My own family struggles with this. So, I am blessed in this respect.

My ADHD is also infuriating, and at times I just want to rip my mind from my brain (if that makes any type of sense). But I struggle, and I prevail. I do well considering my ADHD is pretty intense and I have gone 33 years without being on medicine for it.

Some of you are asking... what is your bloody point already?

So to those of you reading who are taking medicines to help you function in any way, please don’t stop taking your medicine. If you feel like they aren’t working, talk to your doctor. And if you are in crisis, reach out. Don’t go through it alone. You have friends, there are professionals. You don't have to struggle alone, and there is help.

These last few weeks have taught me a valuable lesson... I can hate big pharma all I want but thank GOODNESS for Effexor because without it, I would not be able to human properly. Without it, that fog of chemical imbalance is so strong that things that bring me joy don't even interest me.

I remember now what it was like before I found out which medicine worked for me - and it did take a while. And I am so glad I don't have to live like that anymore.

If you have not found the medicine that works for you yet, Keep trying don't give up hope. There are many different classes of anti-depressant, and it takes trial and error to find the one that helps, because it could be different areas in the brain that could be causing the issues. Don't give up hope, just keep holding on.

If your medicine isn't working, talk to your doctor. If your doctor won't listen - go get a new one. I feel like people forget that they have options, and their PCP isn't the only doctor they can talk to. It's effort, but when you find a doctor that works for you, then it'll be worth it.

Remember that medicine has to be taken consistently, every day, in order to work. Especially birth control and anti-depressants/anxiety. If you skip a day it causes problems. And it takes several weeks to be at maximum effect, it's not going to get better right away, so KEEP taking the medicine even if you think it's not working - because maybe it just hasn't gotten into your system properly yet.

And remember... you are not alone.

Thank you for taking the time to read my article, and stay inspired!