***CONTENT WARNING*** This contains graphic information about child sexual abuse
We all have our traumas growing up, and our stories about our dysfunctional families. But I'm using writing as a tool for me to work through shit, so I am going to share some defining points of my childhood that really set up the person I became and why I have struggled so badly to manage my life in a healthy manner. And also for those who have a shared or similar experiences to know you aren't alone in this battle of self.
My story begins with my biological father Bill. Around the time I was born, both my parents were pretty heavy into drugs and alcohol. Coke and liquor mostly from my understanding.
My parents fought and split up frequently before I was born, and not much changed after. I remember me and my mom staying with different men at a young age, but at some point they were trying to make things work.
I don't know at what age exactly it started, because yes I was that young. But my dad began to molest me, my aunt who is a year older than me, and my uncle, who is 4 years older than me.
I was at least 3 at the earliest of my memories. I remember him pulling my panties down and me trying to pull them back up. I remember him swinging me on the swing in the backyard with his pants pulled down. I remember him showing myself and my aunt porn and having us recreate some scenes.
That is as far as I will go with that.
But to say the least I started my life off very confused. My aunt and myself would act out together through our childhood because we thought it was normal, eventually he got caught because he was recording things and my mom found one of the tapes. He went to prison for a really long time because of it.
I have always seen myself as bi-sexual, but I always wonder how much of that was influenced by my dads choices.
After he was in prison, I was probably 8-10 years old, my mom had just remarried and we started going to a Christain church. One of my friends Matthew and I were playing hide and seek. His older brother Ben told me he wanted to hide with me in the bathroom. He proceded to molest me.
I didn't tell my parents because I didn't think my mom could handle it well. She already drank a lot and was really messed up from what my dad did to me and her siblings.
At the age of twelve, my step-dads sister had just married and the family came to stay with us. I had a male and female cousin my age, and a new male cousin from the marriage who was a couple years older than me.
The adults let us pitch a tent, and my female cousin decided she did not want to sleep in it. And while my male cousin was asleep next to me, I was quietly molested.
Again I did not tell my parents for the same fears. I did years later as an adult though.
The guy I married was a drunk and repeatedly raped me though our marriage. Although to this day he will call me a liar because "You can't rape your wife."
All of those things left me very sexually confused and mentally traumatized. I was deeply fucked up in ways I had no idea about and eventually fell into hard drugs as a coping mechanism. Doing those drugs led me into bad crowds where I was eventually was held at gun point and raped.
Sexaul assault and voilence is real, and it's not something to be taken lightly. So if you are currently in a situation where you are being sexually assulted, I beg you, get out or get help. I know it's easier said than done sometimes trust me, but the damage it will do to you as a person long term is very harmful and dangerous. Even if you don't resort to drugs, you still lose yourself and your self worth in the process.
I had bad relationship after bad relationship because of the guys I was choosing, and I know that was a direct influence clear back from my dad when I was just so little and young.
I am 34 and still struggle so much in healing those truamas and feeling safe with any guy. I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life, and I am noticing I am still getting trauma triggers with sex, and it's causing an uneccessary wedge with my partner that I am trying my best to fix but I really struggle knowing how.
It has taken a long time for me to understand I am more than just a sexual object for guys to use, and that I am lovable and worthy of boundaries and healthy relationships, it's a work in progress, but I am getting there.
For anyone stuck though, I highly recommend seeking help, whether it be a therapist or trusted friend or family member, reach out, talk about it, allow yourself to be supported and loved in the way you deserve. And remember, You're not alone.
About the Creator
On a serious self-discovering, soul-searching journey. Breaking myself out of a stagnant shell and reaching out for my dream of being a writer. Small steps but this is my start! Please help me by commenting your feedback, I'd be grateful!