Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Anna described her darker days as the black hole. There was just this feeling deep inside of her. Sometimes it was abandonment, sometimes it was sadness, sometimes it was very intense rage and it just felt like swirling chaotic mess inside of her that would just pull her in. She could not get out of it. didn't even know where she started or stopped. It was a consuming ball of emotions inside of her that she really thought sometimes that they were going to kill her.

She thought that they wouldn't end because they were just so intense. She felt like she was going to jump and crawl out of her skin at any particular moment especially if there was conflict with people that she was close to in her life. It felt like she just was going to rip her own skin off or crawl out of herself. It's extremely uncomfortable it makes it really hard to focus, it makes it hard to sit still. It was very challenging for her to even sit through a 27 minute TV show because she just couldn't sit still.

As someone who possesses high levels of energy, at times it was difficult for her to find stillness due to underlying anxiety. She used to believe that she had to expel any negative emotions or toxicity within her, which often led to impulsive behavior. This impulsivity resulted in feelings of shame and regret over the choices she made and the people she may have hurt. These are typical negative aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

While it may seem counterintuitive, there can be certain positives to living with borderline personality disorder. Although it is a serious mental illness that can cause distress, she has found that some of the traits associated with it can actually lead to a fruitful life. It turns out that many talented and creative individuals live with mental illness, including borderline personality disorder.

Anna believes it's why she is a writer. The constant flow of ideas in her mind, although occasionally spiraling into paranoia or fantastical thoughts, also means that she has a wealth of imagination and inspiration. She has a lot going on inside her mind, which can be both a challenge and a blessing.

Another trait she possesses is intense passion. While this intensity can sometimes translate into negative experiences, such as overwhelming emotions, it also means that she is capable of incredible passion when directed towards the right things. She lives life with enthusiasm, excitement, and joy. Her loved ones know that she doesn’t do things halfway - she gives her all to everything she does. And despite the tough days she may encounter, it also means she can deeply appreciate the simple beauty around her, like the sight of greenery, trees, and nature. Adversity has taught her to genuinely value the world around her.

Furthermore, loyalty is a defining characteristic for individuals with borderline personality disorder. While fear of abandonment may initially manifest as clinginess or an inclination to stay in unhealthy relationships, it also means that she is a fiercely devoted friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, and colleague. When trust is earned, and reciprocated, she can forge deep and beautiful friendships. She cares deeply about her friends, even if they may be cautious at first.

Lastly, living with borderline personality disorder has provided Anna with a rock-solid spiritual foundation. She had come to accept and make peace with her diagnosis, finding meaning and beauty in the journey it has taken her on. Each person's spiritual connection may differ, but for her, it has been a significant aspect of her life. She often wonders if she would have developed such a connection had it not been for her experiences with borderline personality disorder.

So, as paradoxical as it may sound, there can indeed be an upside to living with borderline personality disorder. The creativity, passion, loyalty, and spiritual growth that emerge from this condition can contribute to a life filled with depth, beauty, and meaningful connections.