Knight in Shining Armor

I’m drowning in a rage

Trauma,

There’s so much pain, hatred, and fear

I’ve been preyed upon

I’ve been exposed

I’ve been tortured and reduced to nothing

~

I’m not okay

There’s so much I have to say

That I want to scream at the top of my lungs

That I need to release

~

Every time

Every moment

Of lost control

Of losing myself

Will the day ever come?

When I want to love again?

When I’ll feel whole again?

When I’ll be able to feel the world inviting me back in?

~

I’m over it

I’ve been over this pain

I’ve been over this trauma

Until I feel like I’m going to turn blue

~

I’m sitting here

In this darkness once more

Welcoming the silence

Welcoming the bittersweet chill of the air

As I take a chair

Place it in the middle of the room

Turn it so that I’m facing backwards in the chair

And sit before the mirror

~

What have I got to say to myself today?

It feels so silly

So confusing

I’m not happy,

But something inside me tells me to look

To really look at the woman staring back at me.

~

I see tired eyes

But within that tiredness is a brilliant blue burst

I see a tangled mess of hair

I run my fingers through

Catching my fingers on the knots

And then meticulously release the tension

Brushed, straight, with a slight hue

Darkness brushes my cheeks

In the mirror, I see broken fingernails and bloodied cuticles

My anxiety has not been nice to my hands

Today I promise myself

I won’t pick at my fingers

~

Hands leaned against the top of the chair,

I lean in and press my chin against my wrist

I not skinny anymore

My anxiety has manifested into my weight

But there’s still a beautiful figure there

Despite how easy it is to call yourself ugly

YOU ARE NOT

It doesn’t feel good

What would you say to your niece?

What would you say to another woman?

~

You know what you have to do

You have to be kind

You have to be patient with yourself

You have to remind yourself

That no matter what

YOU ARE ENOUGH

You matter

You are loved and appreciated

You are beautiful

~

Words are a medium

A slip of the mind

Words turn into sentences.

Sentences turn into pages.

Until finally you’ve written that book.

And what a beauty she is.

A dark leather-bound book

With crisp pages lingering within

~

Where will it end?

When will you be okay?

When will you say it?

When will you mean it?

That you are woman enough!

That no matter what,

You are Strong,

You are Beautiful,

You are Proud,

You are Proof

That a victim can survive.

She can learn to live again.

She can learn to hold her head up,

Gently wipe the tears from her face,

Brush the dirt from her clothes,

And take those first steps out of darkness and pain.

Lift her head up into the sky and embrace the Sun.

When will you know your worth?

~

Words do not have to define me.

Words do not have the power to cripple me

Words are simply that…words.

Your mind won’t play tricks on you forever

Your heart won’t hurt forever

This overbearing pain radiating in the middle of my chest

Will one day subside

One day the pain won’t be a gaping hole

Where my heart used to be

~

One day,

I’ll smile again

Because there will come a day

When I’ll be greeted by my knight in shining armor

And when that day comes,

I’ll reach out my hand

And shake MY hand.