Monsters Under Your Bed

I wish I’d paid more attention to the red flags.

I wish I’d listened to those who truly love me.

I don’t know you anymore.

Maybe I didn’t know you at all.

One day my ledger won’t be written in blood.

One day I’ll clear the ink,

Bleed it dry from the pages.

~

My memories of you

Are plastered with red flags,

Warning signs that I ignored

Because I thought you loved me.

~

When I thought my life was ending

When I thought you would be the one to rescue me

It was as if you embraced the monster who raped me

It was as if you took a part of me.

~

That horrible night when the monster raped me

You tried to convince me that having sex would be the answer.

You tried to convince me that was the only way we would know if he had really hurt me.

How could I be so blind?

How could I have been so stupid?

How could I not see the sickness lingering in your mind?

How could you even get it up at the thought that another man had raped me?

~

And yet…

I’m the psychopath!

I’m the broken woman.

I’m broken because of the treachery

I’m broken because of the narcissistic sickness that’s within you!

~

You claimed to love me

How could someone who professed his love to me

Also be the one who hurt me the most?

I’m brimming in the madness,

Somewhere at a cross between

Anger, pain, hatred, and a twisted form of love.

I’m suffocating on this memory

I’m choking on these thoughts.

~

I was a child then

I wasn’t a woman.

I was vulnerable

I was weak

And you took advantage of everything within me that trusted you.

~

I hate you.

Is that too strong?

No, I’d say not.

I hate you,

Because you’re one of the monsters now.

You’re one of the demons,

Waiting to pounce and destroy what little resolve I have.

~

This life feels bleak and meaningless

This pain feels like it’s going to drown me

To hell with my feelings

That’s what this is

You’ve taken everything from me

I wish I hadn’t believed the lies

I wish I had run away from you

I wish I had been stronger

~

But I have to remember,

I was a child then

Barely seventeen

I hadn’t had the chance to feel,

To know the warmth and love that could come from a real man

I hadn’t even been given the chance

Instead, my sense of love has been warped by the monsters

~

I hate myself

I hate what you created

I hate what I became

You were like an infection

Swirling within my blood,

Taking a little bit of me at a time.

~

One day will come

Healing will take time

Defeating my demons…one at a time

Until the pages are stained with the darkness

Until I can set the book on fire

And watch you burn to the ground.

~

This nightmare

Will I ever wake up?

This blood

Will I ever be able to erase the stain?

I might be your victim

But I will never be your slave.

When that fire has consumed you,

I’ll sit back and watch it burn.

I’ll watch as you live with the pain

I’ll wait for you to bare your soul to the world like me

And then I’ll rise

I’ll rise victorious

Out from within the ashes of you