Healthy vs. Narcissistic Ghosting.

Ghosting is a form of stonewalling considered one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in romantic relationships. Ghosting and stonewalling are avoidance defence strategies that break emotional bonds, lead to conflict, dysfunction, and eventual destruction of a relationship.

“ Stonewalling is withdrawal from the interaction, an emotional avoidance strategy. It is expressed by non-responsiveness to one’s partner, avoiding eye contact, acting busy, or engaging in other distracting behaviors” — J. E. Beeney et al.

Ghosting is similar to stonewalling, except that it is often permanent and involves completely walking away from a discussion, friendship, or relationship. Some literature refers to ghosting exclusively as a relationship break-up tactic, while others discuss it as a toxic or abusive mechanism used across all forms of relationships.

Narcissists stonewall and ghost in relationships to provoke their partners to react negatively or when they’re not getting their way in the hope of pulling a person back into their drama. Emotionally healthy people ghost when remaining in conversations, friendships, and relationships is no longer healthy.

Dating and Ghosting.

Studies found that half the people in the dating scene use ghosting to end relationships. Dr Jennice Vilhauer points out that emotional pain from ghosting is on the same neural pathway as physical pain and can be relieved using standard pain relief such as Tylenol or paracetamol as it is called in my country.

One study found that 69.1% of people negatively viewed people who chose to ghost prior relationships. People who are clear and direct about ending relationships are perceived more favourably than those who are not.

“… realize that ghosting will not only hurt [the other person] but is likely to hurt your reputation.” -Gwendolyn Seidman Ph.D.

People with destiny beliefs are more likely to ghost and do not perceive others who ghost unfavourably. People with higher growth beliefs are less likely to ghost and perceive others who ghost unfavourably.

Dr Vilhauer points to many contributing factors for today’s increase in relationship ghosting, particularly the internet and social media, suggesting it influenced the following issues:

Ease of access — People have developed a ‘consumerism mindset’ to dating with so much choice and access to potential partners. They don’t feel as personally accountable for their behaviour in relationships.

A general lack of empathy — People are less inclined to consider the feelings of others when face-to-face communication is not necessary; they emotionally shut down and become indifferent.

A decreased perceived value of people — The accessibility to a greater number of people reduces the perception of the importance of people in the same way that a greater supply of products reduces their value.

The most important message from Dr Vilhauer’s interview is to avoid using ghosting and choose to be open and honest about your feelings, rather than cause another the pain and frustration of trying to decipher what’s happened.

Also, if you have suffered pain and hurt from ghosting, reach out to genuine friends for support and understand that the situation reveals more about the person doing the ghosting than it does yourself (i.e. they lack the emotional security to communicate more effectively).

Narcissistic Ghosting.

While some people have no intention of hurting another person and might ghost a person because they’re cooling off or don’t know what to say or how to say it; others, particularly narcissists, ghost to deliberately upset another person.

A study published in 2021 found that ghosting is most common in narcissistic men and that the tactic is used and accepted by people with more Machiavellian and psychopathic traits.

Ghosting is a passive-aggressive tactic used as a way to manipulate or control another person. Abusive people may use it to punish someone for not doing what the passive-aggressor wants or manipulate the person into giving in to orders.

My two youngest children’s paternal grandmother ghosted me during the family court process. Whenever the grandmother didn’t get what she wanted, she would not respond; she soon tried the same tactic on the lawyers and was eventually blocked from communication with them.

As frustrating as her childish behaviour was at the time, it soon worked in my favour when the court realised the grandmother was uncooperative and controlling and emotionally manipulative. My children are now intergenerational trauma-free.

Narcissistic ghosting is used during all phases of narcissistic relationships, but it is mainly associated with the discard and hoover stages. In the idealise step, a narcissist might ghost to test a relationship and allow the potential partner to miss them and their idealising.

Narcissists will use stonewalling to devalue and unhinge their partners, the discard will end in ghosting, and the narcissist will try to hoover and return after any duration of ghosting.

While narcissists are known for using ghosting as a form of manipulation, narcissists are also more likely to be ghosted by partners because it is simply easier to leave rather than have a conversation with someone who is manipulative and has a heightened sense of entitlement.

Healthline points to the following signs of when the silent treatment crosses into the realm of emotional abuse:

1. It frequently occurs and for long periods.
2. It’s used as a punishment.
3. It only ends when you beg, apologise, or give in to them.
4. You have changed things about yourself to avoid getting the silent treatment.

The effects of maladaptive ghosting.

People who suffer ghosting or breadcrumbing in relationships are at a greater risk of lower life satisfaction and feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. Breadcrumbing is occasionally contacting a person to make sure they’re still available but offering little time or effort toward building a stronger relationship with them.

“In serious cases, ostracism [stnewalling and ghosting] can take a heavy toll whereby victims become anxious, withdrawn, depressed, or even suicidal.” — Kipling Williams.

Narcissistic abuse victims suffer so much shame and self-doubt that they often believe they are narcissists to the point that they think going no contact to heal from the abuse is the same as silent treatment and stonewalling.

How to cope after ghosting.

Although most ghosting occurs in casual connections or those in the early stages, some can happen when a partner believed or was made to believe there was a future in the relationship; others can happen years into a committed relationship.

The perceived obligations and expectations within a relationship can influence how well a person copes with ghosting. Naturally, when a person is more invested in a relationship, they feel obligated to communicate and expect reciprocation. When those feelings aren’t reciprocated, it can severely damage the relationship and the emotional balance of the person making an effort.

Prevention is the best cure for emotional abuse. Watching out for those ominous red flags, such as the use of silent treatment or other immature communication issues, can prevent you from ending up in emotionally abusive relationships.

Prevention could also include:

Trying not to rush into things — Take your time in the beginning. Let the other person show you they’re interested.

Don’t be the one who makes the first move every time — it’s not nice to suddenly notice that the only time you see or hear from someone is after you’ve contacted them first. In saying that, I’m terrible at keeping in contact with people that I love to catch up with, if you know a person well enough you’ll know why they may be sometimes elusive.

Match your openness with theirs — in other words, don’t be too open with someone you don’t know that well, you may find you think your connection is stronger than it really is.

Be clear and direct, open and honest — if you feel they’re not matching your openness and honesty or aren’t entirely clear and direct with you, consider stepping back enough to make sure you’re not over-investing in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.

If they’re not completely ignoring you instead they’re using breadcrumbing and leaving you hanging on by a thread, it could take some time before you realise that you’re being ghosted, and this can be especially painful.

Ghosting can be incredibly traumatic and healing from it can take time.

Healing after ghosting should include:

Going no contact — despite the fact that you’ve been ghosted, you may still find yourself trying to reach out to them, stalking them online, or talking to mutual friends, going no contact means you will have to stop all of that.

Psychoeducation — studies show that learning and understanding more about what you went through and other psychology-related subjects can help you work through emotional distress quicker and with better long term results.

Setting and achieving goals — finding focus outside of a failed relationship is like a reset button, letting you re-establish your priorities and feel yourself again.

Self-care — this includes doing the above and might be inner child work, re-parenting, getting a haircut, taking up a new activity, or simply spending time with people you value and doing things you love.

Professional help — if ghosting has caused you so much mental and emotional pain that it is affecting other areas of your life such as your existing relationships, your job, or how you function during the day, it may be necessary to seek professional help. Your medical doctor should be able to refer you to someone who can support you through the healing process.

Healthy Ghosting.

Healthy or adaptive ghosting can be thought of in the same way as going no contact. Going no contact is a term most often referred to in terms of narcissistic abuse, it’s when victims free themselves from the trauma bond and can begin to heal.

The grey rock method or grey contact describes a subdued type of contact with a narcissist when no contact is not an option such as in co-parenting situations or in the workplace. It reduces the risk of abuse and of you reacting to any manipulation or control tactics.

Healthy ghosting is something you have to do after trying all options. If you make the effort and cooperate with another person, work around them now and again, negotiate fairly, and every time you end up hitting a wall or giving in to things that don’t always suit you, it’s okay to draw a line and decide there’s no point continuing communication with that person, whether they’re family, a friend or work colleague.

Ghosting hurts people, it stimulates the same area of the brain that signals physical pain, it minimises and invalidates them; an emotionally healthy person knows this and does not want to inflict that on another person willingly.

When you’ve got to the point where you feel you have to cease communication with a person, preferably before saying things you don’t mean, make sure you clarify this clearly to the person before breaking all ties and leaving them to figure you out.

Dr Vilhauer cites 3 times when ghosting is necessary:

1. They’re abusive.
2. They’ve crossed boundaries.
3. They’re caught lying or manipulating.

Every person and situation is different and whether you’ve ghosted others or been ghosted, or probably both, then you’re lucky to have had the opportunity to learn from those experiences and hopefully you’ve become more discerning and lifted your communication skills up a level.

Best of luck fostering strong, healthy, and lasting relationships.

Thanks for reading.❤

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