Fighting with my Inner Dialogue

Today feels worse

Emotions are strangling my throat

Feelings are sitting like an elephant on my chest

I feel worthless

I feel useless

Like this is all for nothing

Like he was right after all

I’ll never amount to anything.

Broken,

Silent,

Miserable.

My wings don’t feel strong enough to fly me out of the depths of the Hell I’m in.

The thoughts in my head are drowning me

The sunlight is bearing down on me

But the darkness surrounding me is chilling to the bone.

Don’t make a sound

Hold it in

Try not to scream out

Try to hold in all the pain

~

I don’t know what I’m trying to prove

I don’t know who I’m trying to impress

I’m just so tired

And feel like I’m struggling to recognize my own strengths versus the trauma

I’m struggling to breathe

My body’s too tight with tension

And the weight on my chest is suffocating

It feels like I’ve died a little more inside

Like my heart is bleeding

And there’s nothing to stop the flow.

Pain is spreading across my chest

Radiating out from the knife that been slammed into my heart

~

My problem comes from this inner turmoil.

I’ve constantly questioning my worth

My value

Wondering if I’ll ever beat those stupid words.

My condition is nothing new.

I have such little belief in everything

I don’t want to feel sick anymore

I don’t want to feel down and out.

It’s hard to take these limited beliefs

And challenge their existence

~

-Where do you feel this in your body? -

Everywhere…

There’s tension in my shoulders

There’s tightness in my neck

But worst of all is this radiating pain in the center of my chest

- Are you breathing? -

I’m breathing

I’m calm

But on the inside, I’m a hot ball of wire

Sparking and pushing itself to start the fire

-Why do you think you feel the pain there? –

Stress makes my body hurt

Being overwhelmed makes me anxious

Anxiety makes me tense

Am I on repeat?

-What emotions are associated with the limiting beliefs? –

I feel my sarcasm building

Which emotion do I not feel?

I want to ask

I feel them all, it seems

Fear,

Shame,

Guilt,

Sadness,

Hopelessness,

Frustration,

Insecurity,

Self-doubt,

Anxiety

Good grief…I’m a ticking emotional time bomb!

~

-How is the limited belief connected to the emotion? –

Do I have to answer?

Do I know how to answer?

I don’t complete certain things or tasks out of fear.

I don’t look in the mirror because of horrible shame.

I feel guilt when I let others down.

I feel sadness when I’ve reached my max.

My cup’s less than half.

How much more can I give?

That’s the hopelessness

The thoughts of never being able to give to others,

Of never being able to crawl out of that deep grave/

I’m frustrated because of the hopelessness, shame, and guilt.

I sigh so loudly,

I feel the frustration setting in

My future, my finances, my life is full of insecurities

I have so much self-doubt

From experienced traumas.

I just need one of those long hugs from a friend or family member to ease the anxiety

Ease it just enough so I can feel again

All I feel is pain

Tears are pouring out of me.

My nose is running.

Will I ever feel better?

~

Tell me about the emotions.

The pain twinges

My chest tightens

Memories flash across my mind like firecrackers exploding

I try to ground myself.

I try to let my eyes flit from object to object.

I try to feel the texture of the chair beneath me

I pull my toes inward and feel the texture of my sock against my toes.

Anything to help me

It’s too quiet in this space

I feel too nervous,

Like I just can’t find the will to sit still

I feel the anger stewing

The tension brewing

As more thoughts cross my mind

Damn this ADHD

Damn it and the anxiety

To hell with this depression and pain

~

There’s no therapist

There’s no office to sit snuggly in

There’s just the space in my mind

The weird room that’s oddly cool, calm, and collected

When I’m upset or frustrated

I tend to sit

To try to disconnect and not feel the emotions

While I’m sitting calmly

My mind is having an all-out war

There’s fire and chaos

I try to cope with it all

But it feels so lonely