Bipolar disorder; understanding the highs, the lows and the in between.
Forgiveness is a Fickle Friend
What does it mean to forgive? To be forgiven? It’s something we sometimes reach for when feeling hurt as well as when we’re responsible for causing hurt. It’s human to crave acceptance, even when we screw up, but forgiveness isn’t always about redemption or soothed egos. Sometimes contextually speaking, acceptance appears in the form of forgiveness we crave that can be born from the hurt others have caused us. So what’s the deal? Why do we so often depend on it for healing? Who is forgiveness actually for?
Homelessness in Denver almost drove me to suicide
Suicide is such a dark topic. The only reason I’m writing about it is because I truly almost committed it. At least I thought about it very closely. I came up with three possible ways of ending my life. I even made arrangements with someone to carry out one possible method.
Bipolar Disorder: Symptom, Causes, Treatment
Overview: Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in energy, sleep, thinking, and behavior.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in May of 2016. I can barely count on one hand the number of times my meds have been tweaked, increased, decreased, or swapped out since then. Sometimes, they're not strong enough, sometimes they're too strong, sometimes the side effects are too much, and sometimes the cosmos don't align properly and something just screams out, "Nope, not this one. Next!" I am, at this very moment in time, in the middle of an important med change. We are completely swapping out one med for another, which is the worst kind of change because it means I get to be worried about withdrawals and new side effects at the same exact time. But it was necessary, so I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself while I wait for things to settle in.
In the heart of Rome Italy majesty and grandeur surrounded me, so much history and such beautiful architecture on display. It was a wet and bitter cold day outside and I sat in that empty hotel cafe sad and alone. My thoughts were like the traffic outside, sloshing through my mind like the wheels through those cobbled streets. Was I suicidal? At what point do you go from thinking about dying to actually outing yourself? I know I was hurting inside, hating myself, feeling terrible about my life. My fat 150 kilo body sat slumped on a green leather chesterfield, one elbow on the table top and with the other hand I ran my nails up and down the seam of my jeans. My shoulders and face were drooped, stuffed in a heavy black leather jacket with a worn out baseball cap my eyes were dim and my forehead was creased. A thick scruffy beard cloaked my face. I was sloppy as I lifted the mug to my lips and added to the drizzle on my chest.
A Father's Mistress
“Which tie should I wear?” She slightly moves her head away from the television and feels a familiar queasiness in her stomach flare to life.
As human beings, the feeling of hopelessness has to be the most solemn emotion we're capable of feeling. I exist in this space wholly and mostly. When you are mentally incapacitated, no one can see it. When you suffer in mind and spirit, no one else can feel it. And when you suffer because the people you need to believe what you are experiencing is real, do not, you are left with a diminished sense of self.
What Mania Really Feels Like
If you take the time to visit my profile, you'll notice there are pages of odd poems and nonsensical selections from my notebook. These were all posted when I was recovering in the hospital from my first, and hopefully only manic episode. Most of them make no sense to me looking back, but I know the headspace I was in when writing them was that of a driven artist trying to convey some sort of message and longing to find peace in his mind. See, before it happened to me, I couldn't define the words "manic" or "mania". Though sometimes used as a generic descriptor for an over-excited mood, mania is a symptom of certain mental health issues. In my case it's Bipolar disorder. The following is a description of what I went through (and still am dealing with residually) mentally, physically, and spiritually during my manic episode.
Living With Bipolar & BPD
Growing to learn about myself more has been a long, tumultuous journey as I accumulated diagnosis after diagnosis. I find myself analyzing every week, fearing a manic episode, or a downward spiral, both of which have ruined my life before. Bipolar to me has been the cyclical death of life as I knew it, the reset butt on nobody asked for. I can find myself in a position of control over my daily life only to have mania catch in the back of my brain, pulling me up into the stratosphere like the cracking voice of a pubescent boy. I can find myself in a job I love, only to crash down through the glass ceiling of my emotional wellbeing.
The Truth About Bipolar Disorder
Throughout my life, I have seen some serious misinformation that revolves around bipolar disorder, this is harmful to those who suffer from this disorder, we need to learn to avoid misleading information that continues to grow around the disorder.
A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life.
To some of you I look normal. I look like I have it made maybe? If you know me then you know better than to think anything close to these assumptions. I have been approached a few times at gas stations by random people asking for money. Do I give off some sort of vibe? I must. Lately, with the holidays right around the corner I have been stressed to the max. My bipolar medication I was on gave me horrible side effects including losing my hair. I am not bald but my hair is very, very thin now. I have been through quite a few medications now and every single medication has made me shake, lose my hair, make me extremely hot, or involuntary movements. I will not mention all the medications on here as I do not know if I can get in trouble or not. I realize I HAVE to be medicated now. I feel absolutely miserable without it. A chemical imbalance is so real, it's not even funny. I use to love things and have passions but now I hate everything and don't want to do anything, everyday. So what is a person to do when they're unmedicated and having to go to work everyday feeling like this and deal with people all day? I have no answers to this. My mind is blank. Isn't this a disability? My anxiety makes me manic, being manic makes me angry, being angry hurts other people. So why is it possible in this world to be this broken and be without health insurance and a good paying job?(even though I did go to school for my job) The pay at work is garbage, there is no benefits, and I had to pay for school for this crap? I could have worked at a gas station and get paid more per hour and possibly have some sort of benefits. I have done hair for 13 years now and I am ready to get out. I cannot believe I paid over 10,000 dollars for schooling just to have an almost minimum-wage based job. I make 9 dollars per hour. I understand I get tips but those are gifts from my client. Also, some days I walk out of work with 9 bucks and I'm suppose to live off of that? Are you freaking kidding me?! With this pandemic getting worse and worse day by day, more and more people are staying home and putting off haircuts. We are so slow we are closing an hour earlier now. So this means instead of getting around 31 hours I now get around 28. This pandemic is painful for everyone I totally get that but who doesn't tip these days? Do people realize my paycheck is a joke for 2 weeks? Yeah, I get paid hourly but guess what, those credit card tips I get 90% of the time are taken out of my check. This leaves me with 300-400 dollar checks for TWO WEEKS. I am traveling to the other sister salons to grab 4 hours here and 4 hours there. Oh yeah and our shifts at work are 4 1/2 hours a day now. I never have weekends off, I barely see my kid, I never get to go out and do fun things on a Friday night, I can't go out with my family and spend time with them, and the list goes on. All for a crappy job with nothing to gain and no money to be made. Realize what your stylist gives up to be in that salon to cut your hair every weekend. Realize they have chosen this low-paying job instead of sleeping in and spending time with their family. For those of you who don't leave even a dollar behind when you get a haircut, shame on you. Everyone can spare one dollar. I at least expect an apology that you cannot tip, like if you're broke and looking for a job or something like that. I totally understand some people are worse off than me but did you really need to come get a haircut if you're that broke? I don't care who you are, you do not go into a restaurant and stiff your waitress, do you? She didn't even spend money to go to school! I spent hundreds of hours at school, doing hundreds of different things to mark off in my book. I had tests, I had to be licensed, I needed models, so why no tip? Do you not respect my line of work? What do you do for a living? If you're in sales you would understand that I need tips to make a living. I get getting stiffed if your haircut is terrible or I was a jerk. But other people make me a jerk. I come to work fine and customers can be so awful. I'm bipolar so you really think I can control my feelings at this point without medication? I can only hold back so much and apologize. The customer is always right is bogus. When you come in acting like a total tool, not wanting to wear your mask the correct way, being pompous, and arrogant I'm going to smile at you and try to make you understand simple protocol. I do not make the rules these days and people still don't want to do simple things to protect my life, my family, and my co-workers, then why am I even doing hair still? Welp, I have no other options right now. This is sadly the best job I can get right now. Until I finish college I am screwed. I have applied for other jobs but they ask for a background check and the person i was 6 years ago is not the person here today. I have changed a lot but my background will forever follow me around. No employer allows me to explain either. They simply just bypass me. So now I am trying to start a painting and crafting side-business, but that's not even going well due to the economy. I don't know how else to make money so I do what I know, hair. It is better than nothing and some days are really good but anymore those good days are every once in a while now. I have never worked this hard in my life just to scrape by. It's ridiculous! I'm sure when I graduate I will have a problem getting a job due to my background. People can be awful and judgemental. I try not to be. I try to understand things from the other person's point of view, I really do. I try not to get upset or mad about stupid things but a person can only take so much. I hope that more people realize what someone like me goes through on a daily basis. It's hard to even push on anymore. Like what's the point? See, there is my mental illness again. But when the situation cannot change even though you have tried endlessly to change it, it gets discouraging. I write on here hoping I don't make people upset but I will always write the truth. This is my life though. I work EVERY single weekend, I cannot afford to take it off now. Hopefully, I find the right medication very soon but it does not change my situation. It doesn't change my financial situation. If you feel the way I do I hope that I helped you realize you're not alone in this. You're not the only one who feels or thinks this way. The country we live in anymore is not the place I was raised to be. That place doesn't exist anymore. I feel the world has shown it's true colors these past couple of month and they were not pretty. I try to think of other people and help them when I can and most people will use up a person like me. If you enjoy my writing please tip. It is GREATLY appreciated. With the times being so tough on everyone I really do understand if you cannot afford it I really do. I am one of those who cannot afford to read things on here and tip. But I hope you get that cash from my view at least.