My journey through a psych ward was a battle between sanity, reason and reality.
It's so difficult to explain, doesn't matter how much a person wants to understand you they just don't quite get it. I watched my mom suffer from it, she freaked me out and I would constantly yell at her to take her meds, I always thought that was the answer to everything. Pop one pill and she would go back to functioning like a normal "sane" person.
I never really considered myself as someone with a life calling until one day I woke up and thought, “I’m going to save the world -- as a porn star.”
"Let go of my arm, Trey!" I screamed into his face.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 14 years ago and I must admit, it was a relief to know there was something wrong with me, something tangible I could label, a way to understand the inner turmoil; it felt good to know other people were like me too, it felt good to know there was a reason (chemical imbalance I was told). Before the diagnosis, I just thought I was fucking crazy and was too scared to tell people the real truth, the ups and downs and sometimes the daily mood swings which totally controlled me. I hid it all out of fear. Fear that people would not understand. I knew something from quite a young age; I knew I was different in some way.
Today was an off day….I was fed up with everything.
Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition where the person experiences extreme mood swings, emotional highs like hypomania, or lows like depression. In fact, the emotional mood swings might happen rarely or could happen multiple times a year. And while most people might experience emotional symptoms, many of them might not even. But the fact that matters is, bipolar disorder is common. One in a hundred people have been diagnosed across the globe and it does take about 10 years as what experts suggest for one person to find out, the person is bipolar.
I wake up in the morning and find myself shining with a ray of hope for the day. I am ready to take on the world. No army can assuage me. I make some eggs since that seems to be all I can afford to eat for breakfast right now. Then my typical morning starts. I have a cigarette where my pains burn away in the cherry. I taste the sweet coating and burn of a Camel Crush Menthol and try to say, "Fuck it all", as I blow out the smoke. I feel my heart start to burn with passion and ambition and put on my favorite song Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson to get myself going for the day. That's when I get sucked into the rabbit hole by daydreaming of what could've happened and what could've been in the past.
Living with a mental illness is the most difficult journey one can have. Because it is not visible you can't show your wounds if you like. You can look absolutely normal and speak normally but inside you are crying and hurting all the time. I'm writing this article to let the people who might be suffering but afraid to go and see the doctor. It is exactly what happened to me, it feels as if you are going through a bereavement. I didn't pay attention to myself for years, because I was an extremely busy woman with two small children, numerous projects, work, university. Sometimes I would read science books to the point that I couldn't switch off. My mind was constantly racing and it was difficult to rest in that moment of my life. I remember smiling but sometimes inside I was feeling sad. The moments of euphoria was when I would listen to my favourite tunes or exercised. There were the days when I felt on top of the world. I would describe this feeling to my friends.
My name is Olga and I suffer with Bipolar disorder. I am writing this article to help others in understanding what Bipolar disorder is, how its started and what I have been doing so far to manage my condition. In this article I will explain giving examples from my own experience so its easy to understand when it comes in detecting the Bipolar disorder and therefore getting the right help at the right time before it escalates into more severe form of illness that requires hospitalization.
I believe that what we call our personality, this aggregation of subtle and predominant attitudes, philosophies, fears, tastes and impulses, this assembling of conflicting thoughts, ideas and other inner battles, is the result of all the experiences that we had to face during our respective lives. Thinking that it's a fixed attribute can't be further from the truth. It's evolving as we adapt to our reality. Of course genetics play a part ; there's things that we can't avoid nor choose, but, all things considered, I'll forever maintain that personality is more nurtural than natural.