My Health Tips Sound Crazy, But Hear Me Out

We hear so much about health topics and diets these days. Vegan, Vegetarian, Paleo, etc. I’m here to tell you that those diets are all nonsense. You are not going to live any longer than the average person buying into all of that bullshit.

I’ve learned some things along the way, as both a once-active person who enjoys working out occasionally while also being a cook. Chef is probably a more accurate term, actually. Let me clue you in on a few things.

Diets are nonsense. More than what you eat, it’s more about how much of it you eat. You can graze all day on vegetables and salad and still look like a cow. They do it too, you know.

More than anything, it’s all about being a bit more active and portion control. Move your asses when you can and eat off of a smaller plate. The end. Thank you for reading this one. I appreciate you participating in my latest TED Talk.

What? More info? Jesus. I can’t write 5 to 7-minute blogs EVERY time. But hell, I guess I can expand a bit more. Here are some theories I’ve come up with during my 48 years on this planet. Enjoy.

Fast Food Preserves Your Organs

This is absolutely true. Though this theory is not regarded as accurate or recommended, I can vouch for its truth. The more fast food you eat, the better preserved your internal organs are.

Have you ever seen that science experiment from some years ago where they took an extra-value meal from McDonald’s and let it sit out for weeks? They may have even watched it for months. It didn’t deteriorate like you’d think it would.

In fact, it was astounding how little it changed. That was good enough for me. I knew I’d never again worry about eating fast food, specifically, McDonald’s.

Their food coats my internal organs with enough preservatives to protect them from cancer or any other crazy shit that might be floating around in there. Plus I have enough of the extra napkins they load each bag of greasy goodness with to completely line the glovebox of my car. That’s like an extra airbag. We are safer when we’re driving because of Mickey D’s.

Exercising Too Often Deteriorates Your Body

First off, I’m not talking shit about working out. I enjoy doing it whenever it strikes my fancy. However, I was once borderline obsessive about it. This is never a good thing. You can only eat so many baked potatoes with tuna.

Putting too many miles on your body just isn’t safe. Think about all of the wear and tear on your knees, ankles, and feet just from doing cardio alone. That isn’t even accounting for lifting all of those heavy weights. That can’t be good for your back.

By only using the gym once a week or even a couple of times a month, you’re actually preserving your body. While I do think it’s important not to be like Jabba the Hut, it’s not necessary to put too many miles on your body. Like they say, “You only live once.” I don’t plan to fuck that all up at Planet Fitness.

Heart health is important, though. So I’ll usually supplement my infrequent gym workouts by doing mini-workouts at home. My biggest secret? I hold my breath when I’m writing. Yes, as I’m typing, I’ll hold my breath for as long as possible before letting it out in a giant burst. My heart rate jumps considerably directly after this.

Drinking Alcohol Daily Thins Your Blood

Speaking of heart health, it’s important to avoid blocked arteries and high cholesterol. Some people take an aspirin before bed each evening, to help thin the blood during the hours you’re more likely to experience a heart attack.

I prefer alcohol over Bayer. They both do basically the same thing, but at least with booze, you get a nice little buzz. Just be careful to use moderation. You don’t want to wake up naked on the neighbor’s lawn chair if you overdo it. Wear your robe after your 5th beer, just in case.

Me, I prefer red wine. Cabernet, to be exact. It pairs well with most meals and being a funny motherfucker. Plus I get an extra cardio session each evening as it contributes to my rad dance moves and attempting to bench press the children. Your kids will have far more fun laughing at your breakdancing and being deadlifted than going to the gym with you.

Bury Your Feelings Deep Down Instead of Going to Therapy

This health tip focuses on your mind more than your body. Working on your mental health is just as important or even more important than taking care of your body.

When someone recommends therapy, kindly pass. First off, it’s expensive. Saving that money you’d spend on a therapist will improve your mental health, as you’ll be better off financially. You won’t stress about money, which lends itself to better mental health.

By passing on therapy, you’ll be saving another human being the stress and sadness of hearing your downer stories. This will make you feel happier, knowing you won’t be contributing to a counselor’s already heavy burden.

If you feel the need to get something big off your chest, tell your problems to your dog or cat. Just be sure to bring snacks, so they stay interested in your pathetic problems. Animals are resilient, especially when mowing down treats while listening to you cry.

Worst case scenario, tell it to a friend. Preferably a Facebook friend you’ve never met before and don’t care that much about. That way if they judge you negatively and end up blocking you, no big loss.

Start a Moderate to Heavy Pot Habit

Have you ever thought about what the wonder drug these days is? Xanex? Negatory. Penicillin? No, but that will help you if you slept with a dirty person and now feel burning when you pee. Aspirin? I think we’ve covered that one. No, it’s none other than Mary Jane.

Marijuana is the wonder drug. Looking to relax and stop stressing out? Weed. Is your spouse a shitty cook and you’re having a hard time with appetite? Herb. Have you and your significant other each gained 50 lbs over the past 5 years and it’s affecting your sex life? The Devil’s Lettuce will help get you both back on the road to the Love Shack.

If you worry about health issues from regular pot usage, don’t. Quit being a nerd and embrace being cool. Your family and friends will be impressed, which will help your self-esteem.

This is especially true if you live in a state where it’s currently illegal. Your confidence will be boosted by being resourceful about finding and securing illegal contraband. Illegal weed tastes better, anyway.

Do You Care About Yourself Enough to Make Sacrifices?

We only have one life to live. Unless you’re Buddhist, then you can do whatever the hell you feel like in this one, before you’re reincarnated later. But make good choices. Dr. Pro has given you a great start with these five recommendations.

I’m the 1 out of 5 doctors who don’t recommend Colgate or Crest. I’ll never hype up fad diets or have you wasting 10–15 hours of your busy week at the gym. Life is short. Enjoy it. Trust the internet’s favorite satirical doctor. Until next time, Dr. Feelgood, signing off. &:^)