Satan, Sick of Summons

Satan started off as a great warrior for anarchy and free will, a genuine rebel without a cause. He hadn’t intended to be evil, he just didn’t like living by the rules. After being banished to hell, god sends books to earth explaining how to summon Satan, just to annoy him. Every time someone uses one of these books and does a summoning spell, they always ask Satan to do a really monotonous and sometimes evil favor, and after thousands of years, Satan is annoyed. He actually earned his deal making reputation by trying to make deals to get out of doing favors.

Satanist draws pentagram on floor using chalk and some other magical symbols.

Satanist: “Gooba goba Satan chew chaa chee, I summon thee. Come forth and obey.”

In a puff of illustrious glowing smoke, Satan appears in a tuxedo.

“What now?” Satan says, sounding annoyed.

Satanist: “Oh my god, it worked.”

Satan: “Yes it worked. And I’m not god, I’m Satan, remember. Why did you summon me? I was in the middle of a date with Lilith, you jerk.”

Satanist: “Sorry I just can’t believe it worked.”

Satan: “Yes. Amazing. Did you want something or were you just testing your ability to annoy the hell out of me?”

Satanist: “Oh yes. My neighbors dog has been barking up a storm. Could you eat the dog, or take care of it somehow?”

Satan shouts: Really, a dog? A freaking dog? That’s it… ok breathe Lucifer, breathe. Remember what your therapist told you, breathe and meditate. Here, petulant human, take this shock collar and discreetly put it on your neighbors dog. This will take care of the noise.”

Satanist: “Are you sure you don’t want to eat it? Or maybe eat my neighbor and let the dog run away? I’d love to watch!”

Satan: “Are you insane?”

Satan snaps his fingers, a hole bellowing fire opens below him, and he disappears in a puff of glowing orange and red smoke.

Satan reappears at a cloth covered table and sits down across from a female demon dressed in leather with a black leather sailors cap on.

Satan: “Sorry Lilith, another maniac summoned me. I can’t wait to get out of this place, or at least have God get rid of the summoning books. I’ve apologized a million times for starting a war and almost destroying heaven, but he just won’t turn the other cheek.”

Lilith: (monotonously) “Sounds frustrating.”

Lilith blows her long hair away from her eye.

Satan: It is. How come no one summons you. You’re just as powerful as me.

Lilith: I blame sexism.

Satan: Damn sexism. Damn sexism to hell.

Lilith: Why would you want sexism in hell? That would just cause more trouble down here.

Satan: Point taken.

Satan picks his plate up and slurps his food down.

Lilith: Maybe that’s why god won’t forgive you. You could use some manners.

Satan: Hell no. This is how I’ve been eating for thousands of years. If god wants me to change the way I eat, he’s got another war coming.

Lilith sighs.

Satan: Whats wrong, honey?

Lilith: Aren’t you sick of it down here?

Satan: Yes. That gives me an idea. Let’s get out of here for a while, take a trip to the surface.

Lilith: How?

Satan: Next time I get summoned, I’ll posses the jerk and summon you. Then you can posses another random human and we’ll go on a safari.

Lilith smiles deviously.

Lilith: That sounds fun!

They finish slurping down their dinner and wait for Satan to get summoned again. Someone summons Satan, he jumps their body.

Satan: Nice meat suit.

Satan summons Lilith and they travel the world causing trouble and playing pranks.