New Faux News, inc 5/11/23

Breaking News: Wheelchairs can be used to help people walk

Ajay Lamba Ling

Wheelchairs original purpose was to be used like a skateboard, a bicycle or those shoes with wheels on the bottom. It was a fun, easy way to get around, and eventually sports were designed around the wheelchair, like the Leg X Games and Wheelchair Wars, which airs on Sports Weekly most Fridays.

Despite the original intention of wheelchairs, a study on people with trouble walking was done. All of the people in the wheelchair study had various leg conditions, ranging from broken legs and paralysis to tuberculosis. Most patients in the study said the wheelchair had made life much easier by allowing more free range motion and traveling was much more convienent. One person complained that the wheelchair didn’t have a jet pack and wasn’t ‘cool enough’ for him to use. Instead, he now uses an actual jet pack to get around.

Wheelchair stores are selling out faster then ever thanks to this wonderful discovery, but it’s to the dismay of profesional wheelchair athletes.

“They need to save some wheelchairs for us, bro. I need wheelchairs too, dudes,” was the response from a Leg X games profesional athlete!

“I love my new wheelchair. It makes it so much easier for me to get around. Plus I can do awesome spins and stuff! And it’s so shiny too, like a fish!” was the response from a kid with a broken leg.

Wheelchair World chain of stores has promised to keep more wheelchairs in stock.

“We’ve found additional factories to order wheelchairs from. We are stocking up on wheelchairs for both wheelchair sports and the profesional wheelchair athletes who need them, and also for wheelchair recreationalists who use them for injuries. We do, however, caution non-athletic and non profesional users of wheelchairs not to copy the wheelchair tricks and stunts they see athletes do on television. It can be dangerous!” Steve O. Johnson, the general manager of Wheelchair World was quoted as saying.

They’ve has also started selling wheelchair accessories, like wheelchair glitter, bumpers stickers that read “my other car has wheels too,” and, of course, rocket launchers for the handlebars.

Interview with Luke “Rocket-Chair” Johnson: Winner of the 2023 Diesel powered wheelchair races

Jeff Pene Largo

Jeff Pene Largo (JPL): So what inspired you to become a wheelchair racer?”

Luke “Rocket-Chair” Johnson (LRJ): Well, I broke my leg when I was twelve. I was skateboarding down a hill when this really gnarly pothole got in my way. I didn’t want to stop racing though, because I just really love going fast. Some people call me an adrenaline junkie, I call them wrong. What I’m addicted to is being cool, going fast, and adrenaline pumping through my veins as the blood courses through my body. Going fast is a real rush. It’s hardcore, you know. So one day I was all like, how can I keep going fast with a messed up leg. Then the idea hit me like a lightning strike. I’d join wheelchair races. So I did. And I won. Again and again. I’m a real winner!”

JPL: “Wow, what an inspiration! What’s it like being such a positive influence for wheelchair athletes everywhere?”

LRJ: “It’s awesome, you know. Motivating others motivates me to keep going, you know. The fans motivate me to motivate them, which in turn motivates me to motivate them some more. It’s totally gnarly.”

JPL: “That’s so awesome! So, what’s your favorite food?”

LRJ: “Pizza salad.”

JPL: “Pizza salad, what’s that?”

LRJ: “Well, you start by ordering your favorite pizza. Then you cut the pizza into tiny little pieces and mix it up with lots of lettuce. Then you pour ranch dressing, mustard and taco sauce on top and toss it like you would any salad. And it’s healthy, too, because it’s a salad.”

JPL: “Yum! That sounds… delicious. Any advice for young athletes around the world who aspire to be like you?”

LRJ: “Yes. Drink Elixir Cola! Elixir Cola is the brand of athletes and champions around the world. And like their slogan says, anyone who doesn’t drink soda is dumb. Anyone who doesn’t drink Elixir Brand Cola is a complete idiot. I love their slogan, it’s so true. Soda is a health tonic, and Elixir Cola is the best health tonic in the world!”

JPL: “Haha. Yes, that’s so true. I agree that anyone who doesn’t drink soda is a complete moron and should be fed to the sharks at the aquarium. Have you ever been to the aquarium, Rocket? Can I call you Rocket?”

LRJ: “Sure, Rockets fine. And I love the aquarium. Especially the one founded by Elixir Cola, the drink of the gods. Even fish like Elixir Cola. The fish tanks at Elixir aquarium are completely filled with soda. You should see how happy and healthy the fish are!”

JPL: “Any final thoughts or words to conclude our interview?”

LRJ: “Stay strong, don’t give up, and drink plenty of soda!”

JPL: “Thank you Rocket! You truly are an inspiration to us all!”