New Faux News, Inc

Not New York Times

5/10/23

Does Soda Cause Yeast? Is soda healthy?

Robert L. Shmeckel, Esquire

New research from Global Soda Brands, inc, shows soda does not cause yeast. It’s also completely healthy. Anyone who says that it does cause yeast or that soda is unhealthy in any way has been found to be a narcissistic liar and idiot with a low IQ. This is according to a peer reviewed study done by over 100 doctors on 10,000 patients, led by Dr. Fabian Faux Logon, Jr. And fully funded by a variety of trustable, dependable and reliable soda companies.

Global Soda Brands, inc, has also generously funded a study on non-carbonated water, and have found that it’s the same as drinking poison. Non carbonated water can be unfiltered and can carry deadly bacteria like staff and Ebola, and can cause instant death. According to the study, drinking non carbonated water is dangerous, potentially lethal, and is worse then smoking twenty packs of cigarettes laced in cyanide a day. Your body has the same reaction to drinking non-carbonated water as it does to getting hit by a truck. Drinking non-carbonated water can trigger a nuclear explosion inside your brain and can also cause you to spontaneously combust. So don’t have a heart attack, drink a soda!

New Laws

A new law has been passed by Governor Gregory Sodd of California and President Smith that anybody that says soda is unhealthy or bad in anyway is libelous and will be held accountable. The punishment for the sentiment and lie is a $10,000 fine and 10 years in prison for the first offense. For the second lie about soda being unhealthy is a well deserved death sentence. You can, however, choose your form of state sanctioned execution. Your choices are firing squad, electric chair, hanging, guillotine, potassium chloride injection, or being told what a jerk you are for saying bad things about soda while being buried alive, since only uncool people and gutless uneducated fools who were turned into brain dead idiots by evil doctors who recommend drinking more water make issues out of drinking soda.

Stay safe, stay happy, stay healthy. And most importantly, drink some soda! It’s a health tonic, after all! A soda a day keeps the doctor away!

This article and the study were fully funded by Global Soda Brands, Inc, and The Strong Arm Soda Factory, inc. We thank you for your business, and remember, don’t think, drink!

New research Shows Potential Evils of Soda

Bobby S. Beluga

A new study sponsored by NeuroHead Water company shows potential side effects of soda. The carbonation in soda can potentially go straight to your head and make it explode, burst a blood vessel or melt your brain.

The chemicals in soda can also cause you to go blind, cause you to become sterile and impotent or cause your legs to fall off or catch fire. Other risks include growing hair on your palms and developing an allergy to both sunlight and moonlight.

Drinking soda has the potential to make your children worship Satan and join a cult. Do not let your children drink carbonated water or soda under any circumstances.

Other brands of water other than NeuroHead water can also be dangerous. There’s a great chance they’re unfiltered and carbonated. Avoid soda and carbonation at all costs unless you want to explode in a bubbly carbonated fire or go blind and potentially crash your car.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and avoid Satan Soda. Remember, don’t think, drink water! We love all our customers and are proud to serve our light, refreshing and clear earthly water beverage. Thank you, and have a NeuroHead day!

This study was fully funded by NeuroHead water company and John’s Hemorrhoid Cream flavored Popsicles, inc.