Lily
Bio
Writer, Teacher Assistant, creator and believer in the law of attraction
Stories (57/0)
The Unknown Force
I think I’ve talked about this before in other posts but it seems particularly important to explain it in more detail now. I don’t know if it is prudent for me to think of myself as a survivor of my own self but I will explain why I feel this way. Part of it is the fact that I know how lucky I am to be able to sit here and type this piece while feeling completely different than just a few weeks ago. In those moments when I was feeling dangerously low and losing a bit of control of myself I have to say I would feel unsure of how much longer I could take. Yet somehow, even in my darkest times, I felt an unknown force inside of me that would be screaming at me from a faraway distance, I could barely hear it but I knew it was there, I could feel it. I call it the unknown force because I’m unsure what it is exactly; Is it my soul? Are they angels? Is it blind faith? My subconscious? I have no idea. I just know I am very lucky to have this unknown force inside of me.
By Lily8 months ago in Confessions
Parasocial Relationship Appeal
I have recently found myself in a parasocial relationship with an actor I love. I have followed and loved this actor for a while but never in my dreams imagined having somewhat of a direct access to him. It started innocently enough, he would go on live streams and I would tune in. I would sit back and watch as others typed comments and even confessed their feelings for him. As time went on and he started to stream more and more I found the courage to join in the fun and tell him how much I admired him. The rush of excitement I felt when he read my comment was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Now, I am no spring chicken and my fandom days are behind me, right? At least that is what I believed.
By Lily8 months ago in Confessions
Am I Eternally Damned?
As I make my way out of the deep depression that took hold of me this summer, I can feel anxiety and fear slowly creeping in. While I’m glad to be feeling a lot better, I can’t help but worry about when the next time will come. I have had depression for a very long time and have learned to live with it, but I wonder if it will ever leave my life. I have learned tricks and tips, taken supplements, gone to therapy to try and figure myself out in hopes that depression never comes back. I have not been successful thus far. At certain points in my life, depression simply takes over. It’s almost as if I disappear or cease to exist, then I come back and I have to rebuild my life again.
By Lily8 months ago in Confessions
- Top Story - August 2023
Forcing Myself To LaughTop Story - August 2023
This summer was the opposite of what I thought it would be. I thought I would have fun and be the happiest girl. I planned to go watch movies, stay up late, discover new places and so many other things. My brain seemed to have other plans for me. Pretty much on the last day of work I started to feel my mind go numb as well as my feelings. By the time I got home I fell into my bed and stayed there for the rest of my vacation. I could not find the energy to leave my bed, let alone my house. Mentally I decided to give in to my numbness and ceased to speak or feel any emotions. It was peaceful yet scary for me to find myself so cold and unfeeling. I accepted my new reality and wasted my summer away.
By Lily8 months ago in Motivation
How to I Stopped My Negative Thoughts
As long as I can remember I have had negative thoughts. Of course, we all have negative thoughts that pop up from time to time. For me, the negative thoughts were constant and at times debilitating. Negative thoughts ruled me for a long time. I was limited in what I could do or believed I could do. I wanted to find the way out of this dark mindset but was blocked by the negative thoughts themselves. Leaving my thoughts to run negative for so long led me to believe that this was just how life was going to be for me. In fact, I think I was a little obsessed with proving that my thoughts were right. For example, when I did attempt to prove my negative thoughts wrong but failed, I was sure it was because my initial thoughts were correct. This summer has been my most negative and I have been feeling my lowest. I decided I did not want to feel that way anymore.
By Lily9 months ago in Motivation
Pushing Myself
After living as a complete hermit for about two months I finally awoke one day feeling a little bit more energized. It was just enough energy to push myself out of bed and try to do something, anything in my house. I looked around my room and saw dust, hair and clothes on the ground. I used my limited amount of energy to pick up some things and clean for a bit. Of course after so much time lying in bed this moving around business got to me rather quickly. After a few minutes of cleaning up I once again laid in bed, but for some reason I felt a bit better just looking around in my room. I decided that I would continue to tidy up the next morning and went to bed. The next morning I again woke up with more energy, this time I decided to push myself past my short spurt of energy. I continued cleaning and when I felt I was starting to feel tired I simply kept going. I was able to do much more cleaning and less lying down after pushing myself. Once finished I felt a certain sense of accomplishment which was the total opposite of the sadness that had kept me in bed for the past months.
By Lily9 months ago in Motivation
Depression Guilt
I have slowly been coming out of one of my longest and darkest depressions. For a while there I allowed myself to be completely taken over by sadness and did not try to fight it. I spent many days just feeling numb and dark. I did not attempt to do anything that wasn’t sleeping. I watched the sunrise and sunset from my bed. At times I felt nothing and at times I felt everything. It was a painful process that I hope will not come back for a long time, if ever. After a month and half of darkness, I am finally starting to feel a bit like my old self. I’m not 100% back yet but can tell in my mind that I am on my way. Each day I push myself to get up and try to do little things around my house. I have not pushed myself to do big things yet because I don’t want to let myself down and return to my bed. I know it will take me some time but I feel I am on the other side of that hill. I have started to communicate more with others and feel like I’m slowly coming back to life.
By Lily9 months ago in Confessions
Planning My Life Out
Lately I have been watching tons of youtube videos about how to use planners. Through my search I found one youtuber who has the planner lifestyle I think I want for myself. The more I watch the videos the more I learn how to plan. I think I wanted to plan because I feel that when you start planning you are really taking more control over your life, which is something I think I need. The youtuber I watch plans her days out every single day and focuses on achieving goals slowly with a set routine. I think this is absolutely perfect! I’m hoping I can create this for myself in my life. In the past I have bought planners but never used them daily, so my planners had a lot of blank pages that went to waste. From what I’m learning from this youtuber I need to write in my planner every single day, even if it seems repetitive. Actually, repeating the goals everyday is actually helpful because that way I can keep myself focused. Personally, I have no discipline and will let go of any routine or habits in about a week. I would like to change this because I feel this is part of why sometimes I am so negative. I really don’t trust myself or believe I can do anything because like I said I usually let go of everything only to feel guilty afterwards. I don’t want to feel that guilt anymore, I would instead like to feel like I can commit to something and see it through.
By Lily9 months ago in Motivation