Am I Eternally Damned?

As I make my way out of the deep depression that took hold of me this summer, I can feel anxiety and fear slowly creeping in. While I’m glad to be feeling a lot better, I can’t help but worry about when the next time will come. I have had depression for a very long time and have learned to live with it, but I wonder if it will ever leave my life. I have learned tricks and tips, taken supplements, gone to therapy to try and figure myself out in hopes that depression never comes back. I have not been successful thus far. At certain points in my life, depression simply takes over. It’s almost as if I disappear or cease to exist, then I come back and I have to rebuild my life again.

At my age I’m starting to feel that depression will never leave my life. This is a scary thought. Perhaps it shouldn’t be a scary thought because so far I have been able to ride them out. Still, I can’t help but fear what most of us have seen on news breaks about our favorite artists or celebrities. What if one day I am not strong enough to overcome the sadness in my life? I also worry about my life when I am older and tired. When I look at my life I realize there are so many empty gaps. Gaps of lost time filled with tears, numbness and darkness. I realize it’s not good to psychoanalyze myself as much since this will only keep me focused on my problems, but I can’t help it. I also can’t help but realize that even as I am feeling better now I am still thinking of my depression. I know we shouldn’t use the word hate in our speech but I can’t help it, I really hate my depression. Without depression my life would have no missing gaps. I would have never lost any friends and I would not know how dark a mind can get. I would be blissfully oblivious to all the guilt I keep in my heart from hurting so many good people who only wish the best for me.

As I’ve written in other pieces, for me depression brings along guilt. I actually feel guilty for putting myself and those closest to me through such sad and confusing moments. I feel guilt that I cannot command my mind and my body to ignore the flooding of negative thoughts that come into me. I feel guilty that my body is healthy and strong and yet without my mind operating correctly I somehow convince my body to lie down and pretend it’s useless. It seems unfair to me to have to deal with guilt on top of the sadness but somehow I end up blaming and shaming myself for letting depression take over. I also feel guilt for denying myself so much in life as a punishment for being flawed. My hope is that one day I will understand myself or accept myself enough to let myself enjoy the things I really like.

Eternally damned might sound dramatic and bleak, but that is exactly what popped into my head when I thought about my depression and how long it has been with me. It also perfectly describes how I feel I will be if this depression never leaves me. Until now, I have never been so open about everything I feel and have gone through because I cared too much about what others might say, my fear was that they would be as harsh as I am to myself. I have found the exact opposite is true. I knew there were many of us out there suffering, many times quietly and secretly like me. Not sure if I’m happy about the fact that many of us are suffering, but I did cry happy tears when I realized I am not alone. I really hope we are not eternally damned, but if we are at least we should put up a good fight.