Lily
Bio
Writer, Teacher Assistant, creator and believer in the law of attraction
Stories (57/0)
Letting go of the Past
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my past, a lot. On my way to work, during work, after work, at night in my bed, all day long I am thinking of my past. I realize it’s not healthy to dwell on the past. I know it does not help anything to place blame on a childhood. I know all of this and yet my mind keeps going back to the past. The more I remember of my past, the more my present makes sense to me and perhaps this is why I am obsessed with the memories I am recovering. Still, I don't think this new obsession is helping me and so I want to let go of it. Can I let go of my past though?
By Lily14 days ago in Confessions
Figuring Me Out
This is hard work, harder than it looks. I’ve known myself for forty years and I’m still unsure of who I am. What do I like? What do I prefer? What is my true personality? I can honestly say I’m not sure. One thing is certain, I must figure it out now before my time runs out. Over the last year I have slowly come to realize that everything I am has been chosen to please others. It’s not really anybody else’s fault, they could care less, the problem is me and my worry about what others might think. For as long as I can remember, I have been choosing not to stand out. I have purposely chosen to keep myself as muted as possible, except for my writing of course. In everything else in my life I have kept myself as neutral as possible. I realize now that the reason I have chosen to be as neutral as possible is because I believe that this is what will keep me safe.
By Lily3 months ago in Confessions
I Must Be Merry
I’ll be honest, I’ve not been merry or happy during these holidays. I haven’t been happy for a long time. Ever since this past summer. These holidays I really had to push myself to act happy. Anytime I was out and about I smiled and pretended as best as I could. Now, being at home for my holiday break I find myself numb to everything and everyone. It’s such a strange feeling because I feel at peace being numb. Feeling nothing feels good to me. Deep down I know that this isn’t right. I know that I am allowing my depression to take me again, I don’t want that. I know that the reason I want to feel numb is because I’m too afraid of feeling sadness or happiness. This neutral place feels good and safe, but in reality is neither of those things. The New Year is coming up and I’m starting to feel myself drawn to a new year’s resolution. It is only one resolution but one that if I’m able to achieve will affect many aspects of my life. My resolution for this coming year is to be happy, truly happy.
By Lily4 months ago in Confessions
Sharing Circle
This year has been a hard one, probably the hardest one of my life so far. I have felt the saddest, the most lost, the most confused and have now settled on trying not to feel anything. I don’t talk as much and prefer to keep everything to myself. There is definite guilt because I have left friends and family behind in order to keep going. Not talking or sharing makes me feel better, as crazy as that sounds, it keeps me under control and still. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong but after losing myself for three months I’m too scared to try anything else. One thing I have been grateful to have is my full time job. When I’m at work I get to focus on something else for 8 hours and the conversations I have are pretty repetitive and comfortable for me. That was until yesterday.
By Lily5 months ago in Confessions