Depression Guilt

I have slowly been coming out of one of my longest and darkest depressions. For a while there I allowed myself to be completely taken over by sadness and did not try to fight it. I spent many days just feeling numb and dark. I did not attempt to do anything that wasn’t sleeping. I watched the sunrise and sunset from my bed. At times I felt nothing and at times I felt everything. It was a painful process that I hope will not come back for a long time, if ever. After a month and half of darkness, I am finally starting to feel a bit like my old self. I’m not 100% back yet but can tell in my mind that I am on my way. Each day I push myself to get up and try to do little things around my house. I have not pushed myself to do big things yet because I don’t want to let myself down and return to my bed. I know it will take me some time but I feel I am on the other side of that hill. I have started to communicate more with others and feel like I’m slowly coming back to life.

Now that I am starting to feel like my old self I’m starting to feel something else besides depression and that is guilt. Every time I get over my depression I am immediately plagued by guilt. I feel guilt for disappearing from my life. Guilt for disappearing from my friends life. Guilt for letting so many days pass me by just laying in bed. Guilt for not being grateful for everything I have in my life. I guilt from not being strong enough to overcome my depression. I have had depression for most of my life and am embarrassed that I have absolutely no control over it yet. I will be honest, it seems unfair to feel guilty after so many days of sadness. Still, the guilt is there and will be there for whatever time it needs to be.

At this point I feel like depression has been with me for more than 15 years. Thankfully, I always seem to bounce back from depression even though it might take me a while. I don’t like to feel guilty, especially since I know that this chemical imbalance in my brain is very common in people. Most of us deal with it and learn how to manage it. This alone should make me feel better, like I am doing the best that I can. Still, every time I bounce back I feel guilty. Maybe this is just part of the process I have to go through to see things clearly. I wonder if there are other people out there who also feel guilt after coming back from a long depression. I’m hoping some day I can have enough control over myself that when I start to see my mood change I can somehow stop it or do something to lessen the time I allow myself to disappear. Each time I let this happen feel like I lose friends and valuable time which could have been better spent developing and growing.

I don’t like feeling guilty and ashamed on top of depression. Now, I feel like I must make amends with everyone I have let down around me. I also feel that I have lost valuable and precious time in my life which could have gone to better use. I even feel guilty that my poor pets are feeling my very low vibration. Journaling about this is helping me greatly and I’m hoping that documenting each step of the way will help me remember why things are happening to me. I hope that in the future I will not have to feel the guilt of disappearing because it simply won’t happen anymore.