Have You Ever Broken Up With A Friend?

A few years ago I had a best friend. This person was someone from high school whom I had lost track after graduating. While in college she found me again and we reconnected. We started hanging out frequently and started to develop a deeper friendship. This friendship would not have existed if it was not for her perseverance. You see, after high school I had turned into a very introverted and lonely individual. I did not want to make new friends and didn’t really take care of the old ones I had from high school. This friend, however, was persistent. She pushed me to do things with her. Soon my weekends were occupied with outings she had planned. We were friends for a few years and we even considered becoming roommates at one point. As time passed on I noticed that my friend was a goal setter. She had plans for her life and she wanted to be more social. She would invite me to some of her social gatherings but I just couldn’t see myself there. Soon she got a boyfriend and started to be a bit busier with her life. Still, she would always keep communicating with me as a good friend does. One particular night we decided to go see a play. The night was fun and we enjoyed our show. On the drive back from the play my friend talked about how many plans she had for the following year, it was December at that point. For some reason once she dropped me off at my house I decided that day would be the last day I would ever see her again.

In my mind I had decided that my friend needed friends like her, funny, outgoing and normal. I have struggled with my mental health for most of my life. Depression and anxiety were a part of my life that no one really knew about, especially my friend. That night I decided my friend deserved someone better than me. The next morning she texted me and I ignored her messages. I ignored all her new messages for a week straight. She then emailed me a long message asking what happened, if she did something or said something to make me disappear from one day to the next. I never replied to any of her messages. Thankfully my friend was respectful and she never came to my house looking for me. She simply gave up after a month. I appreciated that and moved on. Now, of course every now and then I would see something on social media about her but I would pretend this was some stranger I did not know. I carried guilt around with me for a long while for doing this to a person who was genuine and wanted nothing more than to be my friend. I tried to convince myself that losing a friend was normal and it would end up happening eventually. I also questioned if I ended the friendship out of jealousy from the way she lived her life and all the abilities she had that I lacked. If that was true, then that would mean I’m really in no position to be anyone's friend. In a way, this is true. The friends I have now are usually work-related and not deep at all. I have not had a true friend that I can share everything with, in a long time. I just don’t trust that I won’t do the same thing I did to my friend. It’s been years since this happened and with the way the world has changed I could reach out to her so quickly if I wanted to, but I stop myself because deep down I know I have not changed yet. While my depression and anxiety are better I still feel best when I am alone and without commitments. A friend to me still feels like too much to handle. Perhaps one day this will change, but for now this painful memory still haunts me.