I have several other items in my head right now that need attention: bills; exams to give, create and mark; trips home to plan (tickets are an easy click away); family dramas (better for another piece); other concerns… I wish I could focus on something else right now. I wish that life made some sort of sense so that this would not hurt the way it does. But that is the problem with hope and that eternal spring… Life often provides you with nothing but cold reality in the form of news that takes the wind out of your sails and crushes your heart.
The Enigma of Ashwin Manor
The ancient manor of Ashwin stood silhouetted against the twilight sky, its imposing façade shrouded in an aura of mystery and intrigue. Rumors swirled around the manor, tales of a tragic past, of hidden treasures, and of a malevolent spirit that haunted its halls. Yet, for young Emily Sinclair, the allure of the manor was irresistible. She had always been fascinated by the stories of Ashwin, and when she inherited the estate from a distant relative, she felt an inexplicable pull towards it.
Basket of Red Flags.
People come and go in life, and that’s alright- that’s part of life. The lessons and experiences we have gained from those people are what matters the most. Not every person you encounter will be a great lesson or experience. That is the whole point of people coming and going?
I am thirty-six years old and yet I feel I have lived several lives in just this one life. I started as this scared, timid little girl who was afraid of her own shadow at times but loved to play and explore. Oh, the hours upon hours I spent with my cousins from both sides of my family, both father and mother playing in the woods or the fields on my great grandparents' farm. It was in those woods and fields that I truly started to learn about myself. It was there that I started to learn I was more than just a shy, timid child. I liked to explore and learn things, I liked fire(yes, I was a bit of a pyromaniac and still am if truth be told), the woods were a great place to listen and to be heard by God, I loved to imagine a world in which things were different from my world and the woods and those fields were my place to do that. Things at home were complicated so I spent as much time as possible with my cousins. My parents had divorced by the time I was three and I honestly don't even remember much about them even being together other than the fighting. My mother started dating and then married my stepfather shortly thereafter when I was eight. My mother and my relationship has been rocky from the very beginning of my memories. It was not all her fault and I know that now. My stepfather intensified her already anal and narcissistic personality even though at the time he looked to me like a savior because he would intervene on my behalf at times. She was also very young and immature and unfortunately did not know better. I spent my childhood with her remembering very few good times and mostly with memories of yelling, arguing, her never understanding or accepting me for me, and raising my little sisters which came when I was eleven and then thirteen years old. It took quite a few years to work through all this trauma and some days I'm still working on it. My life with my father on the other hand was not all that bad. We would hang out, and watch TV, he taught me a love for weather and storms as we would chase tornados every time they got close to home, he also taught me a love for backroads as we would drive up and down the backroads most weekends, a love for cooking as we would cook together and a love for cemeteries as he would take myself and my cousin to all the local cemeteries to see if they were haunted. However, all that fun meant that he was the fun dad and he didn't handle my developing attitude as I got older very well. My snarky, smart-alek comments would be funny one moment; the next I was getting punished for being disrespectful. He and my mother argued and fought all through my childhood and treated me as if I were a rubber band to be played with; I never wanted to disappoint either of them but it seemed that no matter what I did someone always got their feelings hurt. It was a lot of pressure for a little girl. That is one version of me that I don't like to remember. The shy little girl turned into the angsty, resentful, bitter, depressed teenage girl but in that teenage girl, I found out more about myself. Around the same time I turned into a teenager, I also started dating my first love, Jay, and then found my two best friends whom I now consider sisters, Alisha and Mia. I also found a few other friends at this time. They would become my pack of friends and people that would get me through my teenage years which were some of my hardest years to live. I had no clue who I was, all I knew was that I was pissed and I wanted out of my mother's house. This pack of friends and Jay, my would-be lover taught me that I was someone to be loved and gave me a reason to get up every day. I learned that life could be very dark and I saw and learned all the ways it could be or at least I started to learn that. I also learned that my love for God was the only thing keeping me alive and I shared that as best I could. Once again, the woods were my reprieve. Myself and my friends went to the woods just to explore and be ourselves, to love and be loved, and to simply run away from our own miserable lives. I learned I loved to draw and write poetry and songs, I learned that I was fairly good at this and that made me happy. I began to explore my creative side in a whole new way. I learned to lean into that anger but also how to express and release some of it. Since the first thing I wanted to do when I got out of high school was get away from my overbearing mother, I moved in with my grandmother and went to technical school for a year with my cousin Candace. After that, I used Jay as my escape ticket and we married and I had my son within a year after that. Then, my new life as Army wife emerged as Jay joined the National Guard to take care of his growing family. We went through Basic training, AIT training, countless weekends away, and then a year of deployment. I rather enjoyed my life as an Army/National Guard wife. Jay and I tended to fight and argue if left to our own for too long so having him away at times meant that left us with just enough longing to be together that we didn't fight too frequently. I loved his uniform and found it very attractive that he was fighting for our country. It made him into more of a stand-up man and often in the harsh reality of civilian life, he let me down more times than I care to remember. I was left to pay the bills, figure out where that money was going to come from, and take care of the house plus our son. Jay would help out when and if he could and when and if he felt like it. However, when he put on that uniform things were different. He took things seriously when normally he did not, he was proud of his work in the National Guard and wanted to serve his country in any way he could, and he was proud to say that he was a warrior. I also enjoyed visiting all the different Army bases, having to have a military ID, visiting the commissary, and stopping to salute the flag every day when we were on the military bases; it all came with such prestige and I soaked every bit of it up. Soon, all that dried up though as Jay simply couldn't be the man I needed him to be at home and was dragging us both down. Our marriage ended and I was left with a little boy and pregnant with our second, a little girl. I was terrified as I knew I couldn't keep the home that we had just gotten by myself and he was supposed to help me but had bailed so now I had to figure this out alone. Instead, I found another man to help me and although that seemed like a Godsend at first it ended terribly with him just adding more narcissistic trauma to my background. I became a domestic violence victim along with my children of verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. The very things I suffered through as a child. This caused me to take a long, hard look at myself and decide what do I want the rest of my life to look like. In 2020, I started the road to figure that out. I began therapy. I decided that I was tired of being angry and depressed at everything that had ever happened to me and everything that continued to happen to me and I decided that the one thing I wanted and needed most in this world was peace. I also decided to take back some control of my life as I realized through therapy that my life is all about my choices. What do I choose to live with and what will I not accept? I learned about boundaries and enforcing those boundaries to keep my space safe. I learned and am still learning how to go back and reparent myself. I'm giving that shy, scared little girl and that angsty, angry, depressed teenager what she always wanted and needed- love and attention. In every situation that causes me distress, I ask her, what do you need in this moment? We're in this together she and I. It's been three years and we're never going to stop learning. I divorced my abusive spouse in 2022 and have never looked back after that. It took a lot for me to do so, two years of therapy in fact but I did it and I'm still going. I've enforced boundaries in my life with those people who have caused me trauma in my past and will continue to enforce those for my well-being because she deserves this. This is my life and I choose how this story will end.
Just a Little Fever
It started innocently enough – just a little fever. The kind that makes you think a good night's sleep and a few over-the-counter pills will fix everything. Little did I know that this seemingly insignificant fever would unravel into a series of events that would reshape my perspective on life.
Eternal Flames of Love
Introduction: In the heart of ancient Rome, where marble columns adorned grand structures and the echoes of philosophical discussions reverberated through the streets, love found its own place, steeped in tradition, passion, and an enduring sense of duty. Roman love, a complex tapestry woven into the very fabric of society, unfolded against a backdrop of political intrigue, social conventions, and the eternal city's grandeur. In this exploration, we unravel the intricacies of Roman love, delving into its various dimensions and the profound impact it had on shaping the cultural landscape of antiquity.
Along Came Jane
The following is a work of fiction. Hope you enjoy this. Please comment, or engage. I read all my comments. “Hurry up, dear. The ship is going to leave without you. Get your big butt going.” The mature, blond-haired woman's words were partly cut off by a murder of noisy crows squawking in an unrelenting symphony, perhaps to get away from an always ravenous vulture. Her name on the passport was Mabel Steinberg, but she preferred to be called Mrs. Steinberg, even though her husband had died 5 years earlier. She was the kind of woman who still looked good in her late sixties, in a sophisticated Sophia Loren kind of way. She dressed herself in the latest couture and today was no different. Mabel rolled her silver suitcase down the ramp and expertly onto the cabin deck, flicking her chiffon pink scarf over her neck, perfectly complementing her designer cotton white jacket and matching capri pants.
Relationships are so important the most important relationship is the first relationship, that we established at the time of creation.
Have you ever met someone that challenges your mind to another level? A person that makes you think... "I haven't been living life?" I can remember growing up with little but desiring much. It was not until 12 years ago that I began to see more. I'm not just speaking of material things. But many times, we cannot grow beyond our surroundings. I recall my parents having their dreams for me, what they thought I should do with my life. Truthfully, it was a fight even when I conceded to do what they thought I should do with my life. I'm sure many can understand the influence our surroundings have on us. I recently learned that we gain 92% of our knowledge between the ages of 1-5. Research tells us that, what have we been taught during our early childhood years that we are now living out. It's okay to have the best and to be the best version of you. Your environment does not limit you to what and who you can become. Your trauma or life experiences are to be used to shape you to be more and to do more. Your experiences aren't just for you as an individual, it's for the next person you will help. I'm almost 40 years old and just beginning to tap into a greater level of me. Can I encourage you, that anything is possible, but you have to put the work in. You are worth it! You desire the best and so does your family. Please know my first step in my journey is knowing and loving yourself first. You will never find your true identity in another human being. Born to be great! Ride with it.
Annoying habits - if you don't stop doing that I'm going to scream!
The rhythmic tapping echoed through the room, a relentless assault on my sanity. It was a sound so innocuous yet increasingly infuriating, like a water droplet persistently hitting the same spot. I sat at my desk, trying to focus on the spreadsheet in front of me, but the tapping invaded my concentration, demanding acknowledgment.
Can All Hope Be Lost When Trying to Get Your Ex Back?
Introduction When a relationship ends, it's natural to feel a sense of loss and wonder if there is any hope for reconciliation. Many people find themselves asking questions like "I miss my ex, does he miss me?" or "Does my ex still love me?" The emotional turmoil can make it difficult to see clearly and determine whether all hope is truly lost. In this article, we will explore the complexities of trying to get an ex back and provide insights on how to assess whether it's time to move on or if there is still a chance for reconciliation.
The Prompt Explore a moment in your life where you grappled with your concept of identity. The music is "Identity" y X-Ray Spex fronted by the sadly missed Poly Styrene.