Recovery... isn't linear

This last week has been challenging for me and my family.

Deadlines are coming up.

Questions have been left unanswered.

We are still transitioning from a recent change that put us back in survival mode, but we are on our way back to thriving mode.

And, on Wednesday morning, I was met with a strong reminder from my autism counselor in the form of a question: "how have you been doing with self-acceptance?" I felt a shudder... at least internally... because I had spent the past 30 minutes telling her about what I should've done, shouldn't have done, and how irritated with my own limitations I was!

I spent Wednesday afternoon vomiting (thanks to antibiotics...) - and reflecting on my own lack of compassion for myself.

Then Thursday happened...

• I had scheduled too much in one day in an effort to show willingness and flexibility ... because I should be able to handle it.

• I had not scheduled in my sensory needs ... because they just didn't seem important compared to everyone else's needs.

• I had not scheduled in decompression time for myself ... because everyone else's schedule and needs seem to come first, drowning out my own needs.

• I was reminded Thursday morning - during a farewell meeting - of how much I need to write ... which I haven't been doing ... because I have been minimizing my own needs.

• I was reminded Thursday afternoon - during a second farewell meeting - of how much energy gets sucked out of me with "surprise" notifications ... especially when the notification is vague. And that reminded me of why the county I left was inaccessible to me in many ways since I had specifically asked for and was allegedly granted reasonable accommodations including specific, concrete, written instructions whenever feasible. This ... accommodation ... had been ignored by this professional before now too, but... my grief was strong that even on closing, she sent vagueness and generalities to me. Not a need that I had ignored, but one of mine that was side-stepped by those whose job was to help me and my family.

• My last meeting was the one that I had been originally looking forward too, but then ... I was left with so little in my own cup that I did not want to go spend time in the water (one of my favorite things!).

• The last straw was that there was an issue on my commute... causing me to completely miss that last appointment... and the autistic meltdown that I had been holding off ... or ignoring ... hit.

I could've gone to pick up my kids early.

I could've reached out for help. Where? Who knows... but I didn't...

Instead I left my electronics in my car and fled to the nearby creek to attempt to give myself the space to have my meltdown without watching eyes...

I still feel embarrassed by my meltdowns.

I still feel scared by the emotional power that they contain - not for myself, but for other people's reactions to the intensity.

I feel unsafe to have a meltdown around most people and will attempt to hold it back ... which then, often, triggers a shutdown.

I let myself scream.

I let myself ugly cry.

I let my heart be bare before God and nature.

My children were safe. I was safe. Yet, emotionally speaking? I felt completely crushed!

I started my meltdown with the internal voice so many can probably relate to hearing...

• "Stop being so dramatic!"

• "You are just being so attention-seeking!"

• "Just get over yourself!"

• "You can't handle this - who do you think would be able to handle you?"

• "Why can't you fix yourself?"

Yeah ... my internal voice is kinda really mean sometimes...

BUT! As my meltdown started winding down, I noticed that my inner voice was changing before I concisely started arguing with my negative thoughts.

• "You have been through so much ... this too shall pass."

• "You learned to not trust those individuals ... not all social workers, law enforcement, counselors, staff, etc. will treat you that way. These new people could be different."

• "You are strong - in spite of everything that tried to break you."

• "You can share your truth with others... those meant to be around you will stay, those who are not meant for you will leave."

• "You are safe here... just as you are... you do not need to hide!"

• "You are important and will do great things with His help."

• "Keep going - you are building a life that you won't feel the need to escape from - one step at a time."

I was pleasantly surprised with the change in my internal voice - and took a moment to recognize that my autism counselor is right ... I have come a long way since we first started working together with the goal of teaching me how to work with my autism instead of fighting with myself. *smile*

Once the meltdown had subsided, I walked back to my vehicle.

I texted the children's caregiver(s) that I would be a little delayed - and didn't accept any thoughts that brought in guilt because I needed these extra few minutes.

I acknowledged my newly recognized hunger - and procured a comfort food without judging myself as wrong for doing so.

I acknowledged that I had no interest in trying to speak - and simply accommodated my need for rest by using written and ASL communication without considering how others might feel.

I allowed myself to stim while actively rejecting any thought that tried to tie itself to what other people thought or felt about my movements. After all, if they don't like it, they can physically move away from me.

I turned on some of my favorite music and allowed myself to simply relax into the rhythm.

Once home, I allowed myself to take a hot shower... and then... finally... allowed myself a few minutes to write.

After that, I was able to go back to addressing my children's needs (and other's needs) without feeling like I was completely empty.

This week's reframe was mainly done yesterday.

• I am strong, not weak.

• I am capable, not invincible.

• I am deserving of the same compassion I give other's so easily.

• My needs are just as important as my children's needs - and I should be more accommodating to myself.

After all... I really don't want them to grow up like me and feel like they need to prioritize everyone else's schedule and needs above their own. *smile*

And ... I really need to stop actively expending my energy to be more palatable for people who haven't even asked me to do so!

Teaching my body that I am safe ... just takes time - and patience!

Acceptance comes from accepting myself first.

I am an amazing person who is so blessed to have an unique nervous system. *smile*

What are you most struggling to re-frame this week?

Maybe someone else will have a suggestion... or maybe someone else will leave feeling like they aren't all alone after all... sometimes we never know who we will help by sharing our own struggles!

Disclaimer:
This article reflects my personal experiences and perspectives and is not intended to provide medical, psychological, or mental health advice. I am not a licensed mental health professional. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance regarding your own circumstances.

To protect privacy, certain identifying details may be changed, combined, or omitted. This writing is about my own experiences and personal growth and is not intended to diagnose, characterize, communicate with, or make claims about any particular person. My experiences and life are my own and exist independently of any other individual.